I wouldn’t do a wire (illegal in some states) or try and get proof. And I wouldn’t worry about deviousness. A guy like this has a history - you know he does - and he has very little interest in a public scandal. A firmly worded “I will turn this into a sexual harassment case” will very likely be sufficient. And while the sexual harassment case won’t “yank off his epaulets, strip him of his buttons, break his sword and send him marching away in disgrace” it will be taken seriously by the administration and - while every effort will be made by the administration to keep everything confidential - will be general knowledge at the school within five days. Any effort to say “he’s blackmailing me” is going to be seen by the administration as a weak defense (hell, in SH cases where the ‘victim’ is lying, its bad for the person she accuses, and he is treated like he did something. I worked for a guy who left a firm after his career was mired in tar from an obviously fabricated sexual harassment claim - they fired her, they didn’t fire him, but it was obvious that his career there was dead - not fair, but that’s the way the ball bounces - the company’s take - he made the mistake of hiring her to start with, bad judge of character) And that may make some of his previous victims step forward - and if anyone who is a student EVER felt harassed by this guy - its that last thing he needs.
If Sampiro gives him an out via a cease and desist, he’d be stupid not to take it.
I don’t know, that seems a bit wishy-washy to me, and by sending up a flag, management is going to wonder what’s going on. It might be better to come out with it all up front, none of this, “I have this friend” scenario.
[A slight hijack]: I may be in the minority here, but as a straight up heterosexual female, I an not in the least interested in anyone else’s sexuality at work except in the most abstract way. This is not only a gay thing (although there may be others who would have an added layer of discomfort for whatever reason because of the gay-ness; I understand that), but any display of overt sexuality at work squicks me out, big time.
Re the harassment. I don’t think it’s ever about sex, no matter the gender or the orientation. I think it’s about power–I think you’re right: he is enjoying your discomfiture. All the more reason to report it. I am thinking he is using his authority as prof and counsellor to mess with some vulnerable kids’ heads. This is just as bad (but no worse) than hetero harassment. Let him hang.
I do have a scenario playing in my head, though. Can you try this? He comes over and does his thing. You go very still, and look up (not stand up, not move away, just go still and move your eyes to meet his) and then say, very quietly, very menacingly, “cut the crap, old man.” If said with deadly intent, he probably won’t giggle and lisp and go all coy. You might make him shit his pants. Just a thought. No reason you can’t do that AND report him. Good luck.
I would not send him a letter. As others have said, he could use this to say you’re trying to blackmail him. What he needs to understand is that what he’s doing is unwelcomed and needs to stop. So, Sampiro, I’d let him know that and that if it ever happens again it will be reported as sexual harrassment. He should know better. He does know better. Also, let him know that you have documented date, place and time of all prior incidents.
Let me reiterate what a couple of others have said. If he were to be fired over this, it would not be your fault. It would be his fault. He did the wrong thing. You would be doing the right thing.
I think you’re saying two contradictory things here. Sending a letter is something to make him “understand that what he’s doing is unwelcomed and needs to stop.” Sampiro has tried to do that by his cold responses to the creep. At this point he has to communicate it clearly and directly. Sending a letter does that, where a verbal confrontation is much more risky.
I don’t see how a straightforward cease and desist letter could be considered an attempt to blackmail. The letter we’ve been batting around doesn’t demand anything of value or other consideration, nor does it threaten exposure of a secret. Rather it says that if he doesn’t cease, Sampiro will take appropriate action in the college judicial system. It’s not extortion.
If, however, Sampiro confronts the creep face to face, it will be very easy for him to say Samprio made some sort of extortionate demand. Instead, by sending a letter and keeping a copy, Sampiro will be able to document exactly what he said and that it was a proper and non-extortionate demand.
My other recommendation is that Sampiro write up exactly what happened, with dates and places. He can essentially rework the OP, taking out the flourishes and the discussion of QPPs, but leaving in the details of what was said, what physical things happened and why he found it all offensive.
I agree with keeping a written record including dates and times. My worry with the letter is that QPP could go to the administration and say that Sampiro is threatening him and present the letter as written proof. I still say confronting him and letting him know in no uncertain terms that what he is doing is unwelcomed and reporting QPP’s behavior to HR or whatever is the appropriate place is the best course. IMO, and that’s all this is, the best way to handle anything like this is through the proper channels. Just my .02.
One thing I’d start doing if I were you is documenting what he says/does, when, where, who else was there, etc. Your going to need some ammo, and the better documented your case is, the more of a chance you’ll have.
FWIW, I’d spend some time documenting the incidents, then file the complaint. Having (possibly) been rebuffed, it’s possible he might try to get you fired at some point. And if he’s doing it to others, they may step forward.
He could, but he’d be stupid to do so. People accused of sexual harassment - even when innocent and the victim of blackmail - are unlikely to find that to be a successful tactic. This is one area where - unfairly or not - you are guilty until proven innocent. Which is great for true sexual harassment victims. And sucks for those unjustly accused. Which is not the case here.
I really don’t see him going to management with a phony extortion charge- I think he’ll want it buried. I have no reason for saying this other than a hunch, but I’d bet all chips this isn’t the first such incident he’s pulled (probably the first one where we work now since he hasn’t been here that long, but I don’t think you suddenly turn creep at 70ish).
It’s super easy to document the dates and times and place- I only work with him every other Saturday and for times I just need the one hour break between his two Saturday classes (which was the first time) and the second was near closing time (4:30).
Sampiro, I don’t have any advice for you better than you’ve already gotten here, but I hope you won’t do the whole, “Oh, I don’t want to make trouble,” “He’s really a sweet old thing,” “I’m sure he doesn’t mean any harm,” routine. Women do that all the time and we are only very slowly learning not to (witness Skald’s current thread re his wife’s situation).
Don’t make excuses just 'cause he’s gay, or older.
True, but in my case, I was asked if I felt comfortable telling the harrasser in no uncertain terms that his attentions were unwelcome. I did. It stopped. If it hadn’t, then they would have had a stronger case to go after him.
When I made my sexual harassment complaint, the harasser tried that tactic, and it took one phone call to his former secretary to get confirmation that he’d done it before. Which they made (they actually called a bunch of women who had worked for him and got varying degrees of yep from “but he doesn’t mean anything” to “what an ass, someone finally turned him in!”)