I’ve been wondering why I don’t post with the rabid flurry of a cat on LSD chasing a laser light across the keyboard the way I used to, when it suddenly dawned on me:
I have nothing to say.
I’ve shared all the interesting (or not, depending on your point of view) stories about my time in the Air Force, the mood jacket, the stuff that went on in my last job, my girlfriends, etc.
Now that I have officially broken up once and for all with my last fiancee (as of February) and I have a completely dull and uninteresting job now (call center help-desk), I have nothing more to talk about. I’ve used up all my good material (or not, depending on your point of view) about 2 years ago. I’ve taken to writing reviews of bad movies, because I have nothing else to share.
So I’ve decided: I’m making a new life for myself. Or rather, I’m making one up. I’m going to pick a new interesting career to pretend that’s what I do. With my new career, I’ll have new wacky and interesting co-workers to talk about behind their backs. I have a new girlfriend, but she visits the boards so I can’t talk about her here without incurring her wrath, so I’ll need a made-up family also.
So what’s a good, intersting job that I can pretend I do? Lion tamer? Ferret herder? Porn store clerk?
C’mon teeming millions, make me interesting again!
Burlesque dancer? International jewel thief? Cat herder? Human cannonball? Cheesemaker? Nobel prize winning economist? TV weatherman? Pimp mac daddy? Brain scientist? Rocket surgeon? International man of mystery? Gaffer? Kangaroo breeder? Lieutenant Governor of the Commonwealth of Virginia? Folk singer?
Nuclear physicist always works for me, when I have to make stuff up.
And can I be part of your made-up family? Can I be the really cool ex-girlfriend who’s gotten on with her life but still likes to touch base and have lunch sometimes, and will provide a good reference to your new girlfriend if you need one?
Either that, or the slightly-off wearing aunt who owns every single Precious Moments figurine and thinks Thomas Kinkade is Van Gogh reincarnate?
Nuclear physicist always works for me, when I have to make stuff up.
And can I be part of your made-up family? Can I be the really cool ex-girlfriend who’s gotten on with her life but still likes to touch base and have lunch sometimes, and will provide a good reference to your new girlfriend if you need one?
Either that, or the slightly-left-of-center aunt who owns every single Precious Moments figurine and thinks Thomas Kinkade is Van Gogh reincarnate?
Interesting suggestions, but it’d have to be a job I can BS my way around any questions, so volcanologist is out. So is vulcanologist, since I have no idea what that is (I figure its related to either tires or Star Trek).
Top runners so far are: Brothel receptionist and international jewel thief.
Wikkit, I was thinking along the same lines of believable but uncommon careers, but I couldn’t come up with any either.
Peresephone, you can be the exGF if we can have the occasionally booty call.
Domestic-particle physicist?
Ikea assembly consultant?
Public-access jigsaw-puzzle completer?
Designer of synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats (thanks, Steven Wright)?
Gas station concierge?
Art director for Esperanto-language rock band (no, wait, that’s my shiny made-up life)?
Independent judge for cola taste-tests?
Streetcar-track aligner?
Tuffet stylist?
Okay, I admit it. My mind’s in a weird place. Must be the fish-oil pills…
It’ll be easy to make stuff up about what you are currently importing and/or exporting. It lends itself to social engagements, travel, conventions…all kinds of cool stuff to also make up stories about.
“So I went to a conference for makers and sellers of Day Timers and things like that. First off, how ironic is it that the hotel was double-booked and we had to find another hotel on short notice. But anyway…there was this sweet young blonde that worked for Baldwin Cooke and she comes over to me while I was sitting in the lounge with another importer and she says, '…”
You get the idea. Man, the importer/exporter is the James Bond of the 21st century!
Things you could be importing and/or exporting at any one time:
[ul]
[li]sex toys[/li][li]illegal animal parts[/li][li]wine glasses[/li][li]Groucho glasses w/ nose and eyebrows[/li][li]joke gum (the stuff that makes your mouth black) - “Why, I am the largest importer of joke gum anywhere in the world. Last year, I moved close to 5 and a half million sticks of that crap!”[/li][li]slightly-damaged picture frames[/li][li]bags of broken glass[/li][li]counterfeit Snickers bars[/li][li]collapsible drinking cups[/li][li]combo - catwoman outfits and Indiana Jones whips (complete with instructions on use…meow)[/li][/ul]
But it’s not reality I’m concerned with (obviously). That at least sounds like it would have more interesting stories I could make up for it. My current job as a help desk tech isn’t even interesting enough for me to pretend it could be interesting.
Brothel Job: Guess what happened at work today? Samantha, the hot red-headed $300/hr hooker, gave me a hummer for free cuz she thought I looked cute in my new shoes! Bertha, the $2/night hooker, only gave me crabs.
Current real job: Guess what happened at work today? I answered the phone and helped someone get their dsl running, but the person was Henry Kissinger!
I mean really, that’s about the best I can do with the current job.
And it just dawned on me that I may have to explain this line later if she sees this thread.
Front runners: Brothel receptionist, international jewel theif, importer/exporter
Of those three, I’m leaning towards importer/exporter since brothels are slightly illegal in Missouri and the whole international jewel theif is totally unbelievable to anyone who’s seen me IRL.
I still like importer/exporter, not the least of the reasons being that I suggested it. But…to further support my suggestion and to help you to adopt and adapt, I suggest that since you are from Missouri you must most certainly feign to be members of these organizations:
Mid America District Export Council (MADEC)
601 East 121th Street, Room 635
Kansas City, Missouri 64106
(816) 426-3141
International Trade Club of Greater Kansas City
920 Main Street, Suite 600
Kansas City, Missouri 64105
(816) 221-1462
Ooh! You could even be Past-President (1994-1996) of the second one.
I was. Imported flowers, exported coolers and freezers.
It sound cool, though, to be waiting for the broker to call and say that your shipment is in.
'I was sitting in this little dive near the airport, waiting for the last plane in from Mexico City. There was a real blowhard sitting down the bar, hassling a girl that was at a table. I walked over and asked her if she wanted to dance.
“Mister, I got enough man troubles as it is. I don’t need some on-the-make pilot dogging me.”
“Cool down, little lady. I’m an importer/exporter, just waiting on my broker to call and let me know my shipment’s in.” I knew I had her then, if we could only get away from the guy at the bar.’
See? Lots of scenarios, lots of things to import and export.
