Thanks to all of you who have been supportive and for the rest
you’re not telling me anything I don’t already know.
For those of you who don’t know
I moved back here 15 years ago when I was a single mom with a toddler. I didn’t really want to but I was sick, couldn’t work and at the time it felt like the only choice I had.
My mother was going through some shit at the time as well and it seemed like the best solution for both of us.
She and I have our arguments but who doesn’t. I don’t always get along with her bf but hell, nobody likes him anyway.
She travels a lot, she is gone more than she is here so it works out pretty well. She doesn’t have to worry about her house while she is gone and my son and I have the place to ourselves more than half the time.
She is also getting up there (77 in a few weeks) and I think she doesn’t want to be alone, even though her bf lives here too. He is almost 80 and while they both are in good health I know she worries that if something happens she wants someone else here.
At different times one or both of my nieces have lived here as well. My sister let her (then new) husbands change the locks so my nieces couldn’t get in (they were both under 18). His excuse was that he was a police officer and he had a gun in the house and he didn’t want their friends coming in and finding the gun. Even after that incident was resolved, my sister was always kicking one or the other out because they wouldn’t follow her new husband’s rules.
My mother and I live separate lives, my son and I live on one floor, she and her bf live on another and we share the common areas. She has her own sitting room next to her bedroom and her own bath. Our schedules are different so sometimes I could go all day without seeing her. Cooking and meals were kind of hit and miss, if someone cooked we’d all eat together, but there were no guarantees that anyone would cook. We’d try to get a schedule but something was always coming up so it never lasted. There was never any conflict over the kitchen, or the laundry room or whose food is whose. Well, her bf could be a bit of an ass about it but we mostly ignored him. Like he would label the food my mother bought and my mother would tell me to eat it anyway. Or he’d hide it somewhere and she’d pull it back out. If she didn’t he’d forget about it and it would go bad.
Last December my sister and her husband moved in. It was supposed to be for 2-3 months until they found a house up here. We are now in month 13 and they aren’t even looking. They made a show of looking for a short while but obviously they have no intentions of leaving. I don’t know why not. He supposedly makes $150,000 a year but why someone making that much would choose to live here?
He moved in first for his new job. My sister followed a few weeks later after closing up their house in Florida. The minute he got me alone he told me I needed to move out, that my mother didn’t want me here, she was only tolerating me because of my son and it was time for me to move on.
I confronted my mother with this she said it wasn’t true, that he had said something to her about me living here and she said she didn’t want me to leave until my son had at least finished HS.
Somehow that got twisted to your mother wants you out.
No matter what it was not his business anyway and my mother finally told him he is not family and to stay out of family things.
I have had both him and my sister jump on me about living here (I pay rent and my own expenses), how I am taking advantage of mom and *how they were paying for me *to live here.
That is when I found out that they were paying $200 a month rent. I was paying $800, which then got dropped to $400. Then I also found out that my mother paid for the car my sister is driving and that she has co-signed on so much of their stuff that she had to pay cash for her car because now she can’t get a loan.
So who is living off mom?
Don’t get me wrong, when I first came here I wasn’t working and I handed my entire child support over and that wasn’t much. I can’t say my mother has never done anything for me and I appreciate everything she has done. I also know she has helped my sister and my nieces. The difference is I don’t worry about it. I don’t know or care what she has done for everybody else, it’s between them. My sister has lived her when my nieces were younger, both of my nieces have lived here as teens and young adults, my mother helped them buy their first cars, let them live rent free when they were struggling, loaned them money that gets paid back whenever, and paid for a good bit of my niece’s wedding. I never once have told my mother she shouldn’t do it, that it’s not fair, that she owes me because she helped them. I’ve never called one of them and told them they need to get out, that they are taking advantage of mom. I’ve never sat down and added up what she has given to anybody because it’s none of my business. She’s an adult, she knows what she can do, and she has a mouth to say what she thinks or wants.
That is one of the big differences between me and my sister.
The only reason I know anything about what they were paying, or anything else is because I told my mother what they said and she got pissed and started spilling everything.
I’ve told her repeatedly if she wants me gone just say the word and I’ll be gone and if she doesn’t she needs to set them straight because that is what they think.
So she did, sit both of them down and told them like it is and she said my sister got all pissed off because she likes to think she has done everything on her own.
I didn’t know the half of what my mother has given her.
My sister came here with 2 dogs and a bird.
The minute she walked in the door with her dogs her number 2 dog attacked my dog. I put it down to excitement and nervousness. Her number 2 dog and my dog now get along.
Then her number 1 dog started attacking my dog, twice splattering blood everywhere.
The whole time my sister is screaming at me that my dog is bad and starting the fights when my dog is just laying there minding his own business.
My dog is old, he’s been half blind since a pup, he couldn’t start shit if he wanted to.
So now my dog and dog 2 are good together and my dog and dog 1 ignore each other.
Then she got dog number 3. My sister had to have her and she wouldn’t let up until my mother gave in, but she told them they would have to pay another $100/month for the dog. She thought they wouldn’t go for it, they did and she regrets letting them. Dog number 3 is aggressive and a bully, to the point that my mother said get control of the dog or get rid of her. Somehow this is my fault.
She attacks my dog every chance she gets, she has come after me, and gone after my mother. I said if the dog attacks my dog one more time I will deal with her and I will make damn sure she never attacks again. My sisters idea of training her is to tell her she’s bad in a sing song voice and move furniture to block her in one room. This means we have to move the damn furniture to walk through the house which I think is bullshit and it doesn’t stop the dog anymore anyway. She just finds a way around it, or over it, or knocks stuff over.
It’s totally fucked up that in the time it takes me to step across the hall to the bathroom, that fast her dog is speeding around the corner from the dining room to attack mine.
And yet, somehow according to my sister it’s all my fault and my dog is starting it.
Which to me is so stupid in the first place because dogs are like kids and they are going to fight, and instead of pointing fingers we should be fixing the problem, but all she wants to do is stand there screaming at me that my dog needs to be put down because he is so bad.
This is what started the last fight between me and my sister. Her dog came running to attack my dog, I swiped at her dog to block her path and my sister went off, screaming at me that if I ever touched her dog she would beat the fuck out of me. I told her to fuck off and she went off, threatening me, threatening my dog, getting in my face, telling me she wishes I were dead and she will do whatever it takes to get me out of here. I told her if she wanted to hit me so badly just do it, then I will file charges against her, get a restraining order, and she will be out. So she spit in my face.
In the meantime, my mother tells me my bil is still bitching about paying $300 and how it’s not fair to charge them an extra hundred for the dog, only now they are paying $400 because the water bill doubled and my mother caught my sister rewashing clean dishes in the dishwasher (she want a bowl washed and didn’t want to unload the dishwasher so she took one clean bowl out and out the dirty one in), and has caught her washing 1 pair of pants at a time, 1 sheet at a time, etc.
WTF??? I wasn’t even bitching about paying $800, around here that’s a damn good deal. He supposedly makes $150,000 and thinks $400 is too much!
My mother has told him repeatedly if he doesn’t like it to move out.
She tells me she’s raising it on them again, and every time she raises theirs she lowers mine, so I guess they are doing me a favor…
Or maybe it’s some kind of weird strategy to get me to leave?
The way things are going, soon they will be paying my share of the rent.
I asked her why she was charging them so little to start with and she said because it was only for a few months and it would cover their utilities.
They have not stopped bitching about anything since they moved in.
They are like two big fucking crybabies, everyday it’s some new bitch out of them.
It’s like dealing with two fucking 4 year olds.
My bil bitches he has to park his Lexus in the street, he thinks he should get the driveway because his precious car might get hit.
I’m a slave driver and a mean mother because I expect my son to do chores, then I’m a bad mother because he doesn’t do enough. I took too long in the bathroom and they had to walk downstairs to use the other bathroom. I put a dirty dish in the dishwasher and it’s not fair because I never unload it, but I’m a mean mother because it’s my son’s job to unload it. Just the other day they were in and out all day and I get a call from my mother who was away asking me to tell my son to bring in the trash can. Yes, they called my mother up while she was on vacation to tell her my son didn’t bring in the trashcan, yet they as two adults walked past it at least 3 times each and neither one of them brought it up to the house. It’s all due to me being a BAD mother and my son being lazy and irresponsible.
This is every fucking day, every day, not stop.
My sister has taken pictures of a dirty glass in the sink and sent it to my mother while she is on vacation. Then my mother calls me and says can you please take care of the glass and I’ll be WTF? and she’ll say never mind.
They are two of the most miserable, unhappy, judgmental, petty assholes on the planet.
Personally I think he is lying about how much he makes, and I think they are so overextended on their credit they can’t move out. I think they lied when they moved in and I think their constant put downs and criticisms of me and my son is their way of deflecting their failings onto me. Every time my sister accuses my SO of beating me (he has never laid a hand on me in anger) it makes me wonder what is going on with them. Every time they down my mother’s bf and my niece’s husband (and they are trying to break up both of those relationships) it makes me wonder just how happy they really are.
And no I don’t like this drama.
One day my niece and I were talking teacup piglets and my sister just jumps in and starts screaming at me that I’m not getting one, and I’m not bringing it in this house. I’m LIKE WTF? Nobody was talking to her. When my SO fixed a part on my old truck she jumped in and asked me who paid for the part. I said he did and she right away called me a liar and said that she knew I paid for the part and he was just using me and he’s nothing but a n^%%#$ and can’t be trusted and that she knows all he does is sit around drinking beer all day and lives off me.
I don’t even know where this shit comes from.
This is the kind of irrational bullshit that comes out of her mouth.
Every day.
I have been doing my best to avoid it, avoid my sister and staying away from them to the point that I only come out of my room to use the bathroom or kitchen - and even then they bitch. Or my sister will stand out side my bedroom door screaming for her husband to come to dinner, or make her dogs bark when she knows I am working and can lose my job if there is too much background noise.
She told me when she came here her goal was to get rid of my mother’s bf, and I heard from my mother that she also intends to get rid of me.
She is already doing things to make my mother feel incompetent, like telling her she is too old to drive herself to the store or pointing out how forgetful she is. My mother is fine, quite capable of driving and no more forgetful than anybody else. The stress sure isn’t helping her.
I really think my sister’s goal is to isolate my mother, and take control of her finances. My mother says she can’t because everything is already locked up in a living trust but like I said I already see it coming.
So to follow up,
I told my mother I am moving out.
She said it’s not right to move my son in his senior year and I said yeah, it’s a shame he has to but I’m not putting up with anything more and it just shows what selfish assholes my sister and bil are to hurt my son for what they want. I said it’s no damn wonder my bils (adult) kids don’t even talk to him or acknowledge him as their father, and don’t want anything to do with either him or my sister.
I told her I feel like I have no choice but to leave because the situation is escalating, I didn’t create it, she is allowing it and she can say all she wants that she will handle it, she isn’t doing it.
We got into a huge argument, with her telling me I can’t leave and I pointed out she can’t stop me. She says I’m not taking my son with me, once again I pointed out that she can’t stop me. She threatened to take him from me and I said how?
She said all this tension and arguing is hurting her health and I said what do you think it is doing to mine?
I think she really doesn’t want me to leave because I am the only one who doesn’t try to control her life and she needs me as a buffer between her and her bf, and her and my sister.
She knows I mind my own business and leave her alone, but I am the ‘fixer’ in the family since my father died.
Some people take my attitude as not caring, it’s not that I don’t care but I don’t interfere unless someone asks.
Anyway though, my mother created this situation when she let them come here, I didn’t and it’s going to be on her to fix it. If they screw her over I can’t help it and who knows maybe I am wrong and they are just trying to help her.
After all she is almost 77, maybe she is too old to be driving, and bowling, and traveling, and having ::gasp:: a love life. Maybe she should be sitting in a rocker with a afghan over her lap, staring at the TV all day and acting like a proper little old lady.
I heard my mother chewed my sister a new asshole. I didn’t hear it because I don’t listen to other people’s conversations, but I heard about it. I don’t know what she said but my sister is being very quiet and following my mother around like a sick puppy. Dog number 3 is being kept in their bedroom or they grab her if I walk into the room. My sister and bil are both staying away from me, as in, if I walk in the room they leave. This house is so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
I’m still going, I’m just not telling anybody.
I’m not going to fight about it.
I’ve checked out a few places, and I waiting to hear back about one. It’s a little out of my reach but maybe with what I have in savings they will work with me.
I’m going to try to get something here so my son won’t have to switch schools, and maybe I’m being selfish but I’m not leaving him behind. I suppose I could let him stay here and I could go, but that sucks too. He did want to move, now he doesn’t. I know no matter what he is not going to be happy about it. He asked me to wait until he graduates. I think as long as I stay in the area he will be okay.
I think it is totally fucked up that it has to be this way.
I don’t want to move right now, I’d rather wait until my son graduates.
I thought I’d be here until my mother passed away, I figured it is why she wants me here so as she gets older someone is here to help her. I think she trusts me more than she trusts anyone else to do things the right way.
Here we were just living our lives, not bothering anybody, and two selfish assholes come in and fuck it up.
My real life friends think I’m crazy it I move out, but they aren’t the ones living here in the insanity. I spent Friday night at a friend’s house and the SO and I got a motel room yesterday to get away.
I saw a nurse (a friend) about my BP, she told me to settle down and try to relax. She felt that I didn’t need to go to the hospital but I needed to watch it and see my doctor.
It was 139/76 yesterday, today it’s 142/74.
I think I’m okay.
When I can step back and out of it, it is kind of fascinating to watch.
My mother doesn’t like my bil, my sister and bil don’t like my mother’s bf.
My mother’s bf goes out of his way to be super nice to them, even making over their dogs and he hates dogs.
My mother’s bf and my sister are both control freaks and they both want my mother all to themselves. Watching their little battles for control and sucking up for my mothers attention is weird.
Sometimes I sit back and watch all the phoniness going back and forth, everybody being super nice to each other while they are just waiting for the chance to stick the knife in each others backs.
I wish I could detach myself and just watch.
Ultimately I feel like if I leave I am letting her win and that is a stupid reason to stay.
If she takes advantage of my mother that is between the two of them, I hate the thought that my son and I will lose out on the on our share of the inheritance but my sister thinks she should have everything and I’m sure she and her husband will do what ever they have to do to get it. She has already told me she’s going to make sure I don’t get any of it because I don’t deserve anything.
It really, really pisses me off that my sister would do my son this way, especially after I was so good to my nieces.
I’m so sorry I ever did anything to help my sister in the past, I’ve pulled her ass out of the fire so many times.
I feel like no matter what I do my kid is the one getting hurt, but who knows, maybe once we are out he will be happier anyway. He doesn’t like my mother’s bf or my sister.
I think my sister is just a freaking miserable nut case.
I don’t get where she is coming from and like one of my friends said, do I really want figure it out. I’m probably better off not getting inside that head.
I don’t know what all the jealousy and resentment come from, I don’t know where all the hate comes from. Believe me if you saw her eyes when she gets in my face, it is pure hatred. When she says she wants me dead, I know she means it. I don’t know why she tries to be so controlling or why she can’t mind her own business and why she downs my SO. It’s not him personally, she’s done the same with past ones, when she wasn’t trying to screw them, or even when she was trying to screw them. She’s always tried to screw in my life and has always tried to ruin anything I have.
I’ve never wished her dead, but I’d sure like to see her living halfway across the country again.
At this point I don’t love her, I don’t hate her, she’s just a big pain in the ass that needs to go away.
I just got a call to go see an apartment tomorrow. I hear bad things about the complex (noisy, bugs and vandalism) but I’ll see what it’s like.
There’s a condo I need to call back on.
I know this is long and rambling but it is what it is.