I was a teenager who didn’t want to go see his dad. Part of the reason was the new wife the dad had, but I think there was a fair amount of resentment there too. And I really didn’t just want to go and hang out there, I can do that at home.
I’d echo the others that recommend making specific plans, like a movie, ball game, or just dinner. I wish my dad did more of that with me, he was always working.
Shakes
I second this, teenagers are glued to their friends, and on the weekends - they want to be with their friends - 24/7. My guess is that your weekends with your son to him seem more like an excursion away from his friends & social life, rather than your place being his weekend home.
Treat the weekends less like a weekend exclusive date with your child, and allow him all the privileges of home, including having guests, going out to see friends, and even going to a friends for the night. Also maintain every rule you would have if your were the weekday parent, such as homework and curfews.
Let him know that your home is his home on the weekends and he can not skip weekends.
Given you’re not far from his weekday home, I agree with the votes to insist the weekends occur but support his outings with his friends and other activities.
Note: This does not mean you must or even should say yes to everything he wants to do. When you’re a weekend parent you’re still a parent.
When I got to about middle school, I started freaking out at the prospect of going to my dad’s house on the weekends. No particular reason why, I just didn’t want to and it caused me anxiety for no particular reason.
I remember my mom dropping me off at my dad’s office and me sitting at the bottom of the stairs in the lobby, sobbing for 20 minutes before I cleaned up my face and went in to the office.
Was I terrified because my dad beat or abused me? No. Did my dad live in some shit hole with rats? No, it was much nicer than my mom’s house. Did I sit around with nothing to do at dad’s? Nope, we’d go swimming and hiking and biking and play tennis at the country club and fun stuff. We’d go eat at my favorite restaurants and rent my favorite movies. I had a room with my own computer and whatever I wanted. Dad’s house is about 10 minutes from mom’s, so my friends would come over and have slumber parties, hang out, etc. I still cried.
Why? I don’t know. I was a teenager. It happens.
My point is, the kid will get over it. In the mean time, find some really cool activity he might be interested in- sports, hiking, whatever he’s into. Woo him, sir!
If he’s 16 and just started this, then I’m betting you’re a really good dad! At that age, kids don’t want parents of either kind. They want to be adults and make their own decisions and do their own thing. They also have a comfort zone at home base. They need that stable base to deal with their otherwise out-of-whack selves. But they also need to maintain a relationship with both parents, and the father-son bond is really important.
Maybe it’s time to go to every other weekend-- he gets a part of the decision-making, but still needs to maintain ties with dad. If he’s comfortable having friends over your house, and you’re ok with that, that will probably help.
Unfortunately, I think we, as parents, are the last things on a teen’s mind! I have to basically force the issue with my 16 year old daughter. I don’t make her go often, but I do make her go. She can still go out with her friends and, despite her dramatic interpretation, she will not die from spending a weekend with her father. It gives me a much-needed break and keeps him somewhat in the parenting loop. He had been living out of state for the last few years, so he’s missed quite a bit. Time for dad to get back in business!
The message you send though, when you keep to some kind of schedule and make sure you’re still on the list, is that you do care, you are his father and there is stability in his life. He may fight it, but looking back, he’ll be able to see that you were always a part of his life and there for him. That’s more important than he knows or understands right now.
I wouldn’t force him Shakes. He’s at that age where he wants to hang out with his friends more, it’s natural . He’ll come around when he gets older don’t worry. At least your there for him which is more than I can say for my father.
I think that’s the issue right there. Son does not view dad’s house as “home.”
I started resisting visiting my noncustodial parent around age 10, but that was because my evil stepmonster preferred to use her husband’s children as free manual labor. They’d promise trips and treats and activities, but when we got there, it was nothing but chores and no reward for pitching in to help with those chores. “Oh, yeah, we ran out of time, maybe next time, sorry.”
Even at 10, after the held a carrot out and snatched it away a couple of times, I pretty much learned that the promises were all bullshit and they only wanted us to visit so my stepmonster wouldn’t have to clean her own house. :rolleyes:
I am not implying in any way, that I think the OP’s situation is identical to mine. I think it’s more because the kid views dad’s house as a place to visit, not as his other home. Does he have his own room? Does he have to pack bags to visit, or does he have a complete set of clothes and toiletries, etc. at dad’s house? If he’s got his own stuff and his own space at dad’s house, that might go a long way toward him feeling like dad’s house is home too.
Even when I lived with my dad and stepmonster, I never felt at home there because she could never be bothered to clear out the closets and dressers so there was no place to put my stuff. I had to get rid of a lot of my stuff because her stuff was cluttering every single storage space in “my” room. No choices about wall colors, linens, comforters; I wasn’t allowed to personalize “my” room to make it feel like *my *room.
That really, really stinks, Dogzilla. 
I spent weekends with my adoring grandmother when I was little, and it was just paradise for a young girl. When I reached my teens, I turned surly, uncommunicative, and decided spending time with my friends was much more fun. (Fun? Sitting behind the fire station listening to a transistor radio and smoking. Woot.) But that was the age when I began to really notice boys and start dating, and that really just totally took over my mind and emotions… So I stopped going to grandma’s and years went by and in the course of things she got older and feeble and died. It was only years later that I began to kick myself for being such a sullen ass, that grandma offered me more love and acceptance than any boyfriend, and I would give the world to go back and spend one more day with her…So, OP, it is natural, and I doubt your son has turned against you, it’s just that he’s growing up, other things are taking up his time and thoughts. Keep trying, at least someday he’ll think of you with love and fondness!
I say your son should be with you on your weekends. I would not let it slide–it’s too easy to let it slide all together as the weeks slip by.
Can you engage him in other ways? Who is helping him get his hours behind the wheel, for one example? What about inviting him to bring a friend with for a sleep over one night?
Does he have chores to do at your place? Does he have his own space there as well? Is there some activity you both share (video game, working on cars, music or whatever)?
I can see letting one weekend go or being flexible, but at some point, you must set limits. That is your role. If you allow him to continually not come, he will begin to think that you don’t care enough to “make him”.
That’s my take. I never really saw my dad as a teen; there was no formal visitation schedule. We did not know one another when I became an adult, which made some things very difficult (like parenting and grandparenting). I’d be happier with the lack of weekends if there was some activity that you share and both enjoy. The connection is the most important thing, not how many hours he spends in your company (although there must be some minimum for there to be a shared connection). Does he email or Skype you? What about FaceBook? Find an alternative way to connect, if the weekend thing isn’t going to fly for now.
Just my 2 cents. Plus, I’m a female, so the whole teen/father dynamic is completely different.
:::SIGH:::
This thread bums me out. I did my weekends at Dad’s, too. However, when I turned about 14I started skipping most weekends to go out with my friends instead. This went on for a couple years and then, suddenly, Dad lost his job and had to move halfway across the country to get a new one. I felt like such an idiot and deeply regretted taking that time with my father for granted. We still kept in touch after he moved and we visited often, but I felt like such a dumbass for squandering that time I could have had with him.
Eh, I don’t think it would be a good idea to force him to come over. Nobody ever had fun when they were being forced to do something. I think the OP should maybe plan a real special weekend with his son, tell his son he’d really appreciate it if he’d ditch his friends for a day or two because he has something important he wants to tell him, do some fun activities together, and then have a heart-to-heart and tell his son just how much the weekend visits mean to him and how he wants to spend as much time together as possible. I wish my dad had said something like to me when I was 15 or so. It would have helped me realize that my family was more important than my friends.
I know this thread is kind of dated, but I wanted to offer **Shakes **my sympathy. I was a non-custodial parent living in another state until my son was about 16, so I got summers and every other Christmas (except I didn’t get Christmas because it was unaffordable to put him on a plane twice in one year). When he was 13, he wanted to go to basketball camp at home as opposed to coming up to stay with me for the summer. I didn’t force the issue, reluctantly agreed to have him stay at home that summer, and spent the entire summer depressed and missing him. It hurt like hell. The next summer he was with me and I seem to recall being told that he didn’t ever want to miss another summer.
Now that he’s grown, we’re very close. I still don’t get to see him much since he’s back in Florida and I still miss him like crazy, but I don’t regret giving him the opportunity to spread his wings and make his own choices, without forcing our relationship. I hope we’re closer today because I didn’t put my needs before his.