My son doesn't want to visit anymore.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m a weekend Dad. For the third week in a row my son has decided not to come visit this weekend as he has “plans” with his friendds.

I guess my son has reached that age where his social life means more to him. You know how teenagers are, hanging out with their buds means more to them than hanging out with their ol’ man.

Am I right by NOT making him come over to my house on the weedends?

I mean, I don’t want to force the issue but still, I think it’s important that father and son hang out together.

Plus it’s just fucking depressing. (Sigh)

2

How old his he? I’m not in your situation and my parents were married, but perhaps the time has come to redefine the relationship. He obviously wants to spend the weekends with his friends - could you book a different time to do something with him on a regular basis? Season tickets to a sporting event, a regular dinner/movie slot, etc? Something that still allows you to catch up regularly, but allows him to spend the time with his friends that he’d like. if that doesn’t work, I’d still call and email regularly so that he knows you’re still there for him. I expect this is a fairly common scenario and one he’ll grow out of. I bet most parents who live with their kids experience this too!

3

I’m not a father, nor the son of a weekend dad, but my gut tells me that you shouldn’t make him come over if he doesn’t want to. That will definitely cause more trouble and drive him away further, in my opinion. My social life at his age (teenage) wasn’t that big, but when it came down to spending time with my parents and time with the few friends I had, I always chose the latter. Chalk it up to his wanting to assert his independence and develop a sense of himself apart from his association with his parents.

Here’s an idea: Would it be out of the question to invite him and his friends over one night, maybe for games or a movie or whatever?

4

Although it’s difficult try not to take it personally a normal teenager is usually going to want to explore social relationships that do not include his parents, and overall this is a good and necessary thing. Although you may get together less often try to make your time together interesting, fun and memorable. Plan stuff, go places do things. Take him places you can teach him stuff. Don’t just hang out.

5

I’m speaking here only as a parent of a teenage son, not as a weekend parent, which no doubt adds a whole 'nother dimension.

It sounds to me like making him come to your house for the weekend would be counterproductive, in as much as it is not likely to result in “quality time” spent with your son.

When you’re the weekend Dad, does he normally sleep at your house? I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect him to come home to your house after spending the day with his buds. (Or maybe you live far enough away from his friends that that’s not workable, in which case, never mind.)

I’d also want to try to find out if there is something else going on with your son. Is there some other reason he’s finding his friends a more attractive option?

ETA: I like statsman1982’s idea of inviting his friends to your house – especially if you don’t really know who these friends are.

6

Howdy, Shakes.

When I was growing up, I was the kid who didn’t go with Dad on some weekends. It’s fairly normal, but if he wants to skip a 4th weekend, I think you should have a talk with him about it and see if there are other issues, or if it’s just not wanting to miss out on stuff with his friends.

Depending on his age, yeah, it’s prolly just his time to flex a bit and start seeing what life is like. Early teens? Gonna happen.

It did with me.

But there was also an undercurrent, a tension, in the relationship between my father and I that ran strong, and because of it (my learning that my father was a liar and a self-centered asshat of staggering proportions), I also was using the real opportunities to spend time with my friends to stop seeing my father.

It took us years to work thru the issues between us, and today I am much happier because of it. I don’t know how my dad feels about it all, as I haven’t spoken to him in over 20 years.

Anyway, my point is that I hope you and your son have a good relationship, that he is merely getting older and exploring the avenues he & his friends have access to, but since you seem to be a concerned dad, you should talk about it with him and make sure you both understand what’s happening.

Ask him what he does with his friends, ask enough questions to be knowledgable about your son’s activities, not just familiar. And don’t be afraid to tell him you miss him when he doesn’t come, to see you, but ffs don’t allow it to become a guilt trip.

Just be honest and upfront, and genuine, and all will be well.

Good luck!

ETA: FWIW, I was absolutely devastated the first time I had to go out to the car and tell my old man I wasn’t coming. My Mom made me do it (she wasn’t going to shoulder any blame or flame for what was solely my decision), and I did, but I felt like a piece of shit for quite a while afterward (days, not hours). I’m fairly sure your son didn’t just deny you and then breeze out with his buds, eh. I’d be willing to wager it took it’s toll on him, too.

EATA: I like statsman’s idea as well, and Girl’s idea of maybe season tix or something so that you and your son have scheduled time together that’s not just “hanging out on weekends at Dad’s”.

7

Who’s deciding that it’s OK if he skips your visit? If there’s a parent visitation plan that he has to visit you x number of times a year, then it doesn’t matter if he wants to visit or not, he should get his ass to your house. Then from there if he wants to visit friends he can, but he has to go back to your house, not his mom’s. Until they’re 18 “I want to hang out with my friends instead of you” is irrelevant.

Force the issue. You’ve been letting it go, time for action. I like the other ideas other posters put out there for spending time with him.

8

To me, it always seems weird to visit with a divorced parent. Growing up my parents weren’t divorced so I never had to “visit” with them. They were just there–I went home and there they were, so the idea of having to make plans to see a parent would have just been so odd to me, as a kid.

9

Well, if you actually had “weedends” he might come over more often. :smiley:

Seriously though, I’m a weekend dad also. My son is 14 now and has started to skip some weekends but has always made it up by asking to come over multiple weekends in a row. The OP’s situation scares the hell out of me. Soon my son will be hanging out with his friends more often, then with girls, then he will get a PT job after school, then it will be college. Seeing your baby only every other weekend really makes them grow up faster. :frowning:

10

Sorry to hear that Shakes. I was the teenage son who suddenly didn’t want to hang out with his dad. But if its any consolation we have a much better relationship now than we did back then. I know it’s a long way off but when he gets out of the teenage years you can probably expect him to want to reconnect again.

Anyway, buck up old man, it’s a pretty natural thing, albeit painful for you.

11

Some truth here.

I hate the “visitation” terminology, actually, because it leads to the thinking that time at dad’s place is an activity, which can reasonably be canceled or rescheduled to make way for other activities more preferable at the moment.

He’s not “visiting” with mom at other times, right? He stays there, she’s his parent, sometimes he does things with her, sometimes he leaves to do other stuff. Try to make your place like that. You’re his parent, he stays at your place (sometimes). He wants to hang with friends on “your” weekend? Fine, have fun (but you set the curfew time or whatever rules, just as she does when he’s at her place).

Exactly.

12

Can you make other shorter “dates” with him? Take him to lunch, go play handball, stuff like that? I’m a mom so my situation is a bit different but some teen sons are kind of hard to talk to. Not that mine has ever pulled an attitude or been anything but sweet and respectful, but they kind of start getting their own lives at this point and disconnect for a time.

Do you live too far away from his friends for him to still hang out with them some if he does come on “your” weekend? If not, would you have a problem with something like ‘hey son, no problem, how bout you come over anyway, and then I’ll take you to meet your friends for whatever hanging out you were going to do. I’ll make a deal with you, you do that and you and ole’ dad will go to a ball game (or whatever currency works for him)".

Hope that helps.

13

Wanting to hang out with your friends over your parents is completely normal. Yesterday I got a kiss goodbye at 7am and didn’t see my daughter again until I got my goodnight kiss at 11:30pm. School, friends, work, boyfriend - they’re her priorities now. They’re becoming more independent and that’s a good thing, but it’s hard to let go.

It’s especially tough for you because you don’t get even the day-to-day interaction. While I’d be tolerant for a bit, I’d make it clear on occasion that you still want, and need, to see him. So take the others’ advice and make solid plans with him once a month and let him know that you expect him to keep that date reserved for you. If he balks, so what.

I’d also second the notion to make plans during the week to make up for lost time. Invite him over for dinner or take in a ball game – something to keep the connection alive.

Also, let him know that he’s important to you in more subtle ways. For instance, many divorced dads don’t decorate their new houses. My advice is that if you put one thing on the walls, it’s your son’s picture. Ask to see his report card. Go to parent/teacher conferences. Go on college visits with him. If he plays sports, go see him play even if you have to deal with the emotions of seeing your ex-wife.

My final bit of advice is to learn to text if you haven’t already. It’s the way kids learn to communicate these days. I’ve texted my children while they were sitting in the car with me! Just an occasional, “Hi, it’s dad, good luck on your test today.” can work to bridge the emotional gap that comes with physical separation.

Your job at this point is to let them know that you’re there for them. If you can do that, they’ll eventually come around and want to hang out with you again. At least I hope so. :frowning: :slight_smile:

14

Some pertinent info would go a long way— how old is he? How far away do you live from each other? How does his mom feel about it? How often have you typically spent the weekends with him up to this point? What does mom do when son is at your house? Is there a specific order for visitation?

I’m the custodial mom, and am a stepparent, too, and have some definite opinions on this from my perspective, but I’ll hold off pending answers to those questions since there are so many different possibilities.

15

THIS

“invite him and his friends over one night, maybe for games or a movie or whatever?”

Worked with my daughter - helped that I lived on a small lake w/a pier perfect for sunbathing, and minutes from the beach…

16

Tell him to bring his friends with him next week, he’s entering the writhing mass of adolescence.

17

My SO has full custody of his 3 kids (ages 8, 10, and 17) and his ex-wife has “reasonable visitation”. A couple years ago, that meant that they actually split the week in half, 3.5 days at one & 3.5 days at the other. Well, the ex-wife’s life started sliding down and we ended up with the kids full time for a couple months. After she got her stuff back together, she began only taking the kids Saturday morning to Sunday afternoon and that hasn’t changed in the last couple years. Except one part, the oldest one started to fight going there.

We asked her why and she had a couple reasons. The first one was that she was bored over there. She had the same stuff here as she did there, a TV with cable, internet, food, and the same social life. Then she started being embarrassed (her words) about how her mother lived her life. So there became mini-fights trying to get her to go to see her mom. She would start having sleep-overs at friends’ houses only on Saturday night and find other excuses. We tried to explain what was going on to the ex-wife, but she wanted to remain woefully oblivious to what was happening. Our daughter didn’t want to her mom’s feelings by telling her the truth, so when she was confronted, she lied and said she was just busy with friends. (Then the ex-wife yelled at my SO for lying to her :rolleyes:)

The worst part about it, in my opinion, is that the mother just rolled over and let her daughter slip away. In the last two and a half years, she’s stayed once at her house. If she needs a ride, she’ll call up her mom and use her for that. But that’s about all the contact they have. It really bothers me that the mom doesn’t try to take her out for coffee during the week, just to keep some connection going.

A couple months ago, her mother was giving our daughter and her friend a ride to a movie theater. Our daughter, sixteen at the time and had been already grounded at our house once for smoking, asked her mother for a cigarette. Her mother, who wanted to be “cool”, gave it to her. She had such little contact with her daughter that she felt that she couldn’t say “no” and be a parent. When the ex-wife relayed that story to my SO, she begged him not to say anything to the teenager so the ex-wife would still be in her good graces.

My point for oversharing is that a bigger effort is needed on the non-custodial parent to make more than just appearances in their children’s lives. Teenagers want their independence and will sometimes fight ridiculous battles to get it. But they still want and need to feel wanted. If I take the younger two to Chuck E Cheese, I know I HAVE TO invite the older there. She hates it there, but she would rather be invited and reject it on her terms than not be invited at all. Teenagers are a pain in the ****. but what you do or don’t do now will affect your future relationship.

18

I will add my vote to the “make time to see him outside of weekends” plan. If you’re geographically far apart, even picking up an online game the two of you can play together is an excellent bonding exercise.

19

When he wants to do something else, try to to trade the time. Dinner on Wednesday? Meet youa t the library, I’ll bring my book, and be there to help with that big paper you’re working on? Have the guys to my place for brunch on Sunday after the sleepover? (Do boys do sleepovers?)

You get my drift. but no, forcing him at this point is a no-win IMHO. Take a good long look in the mirror, and ask yourself why he doesn’t want to be there. If he’s just growing up, great shoehorn yourself in as necessary. If your gut clenches and there’s an issue you need to address; address it.

20

I second the idea that his home is you on the weekends. He can go hang with his friends from your house, and come home from his friends in the evening to your house. Meet his friends, too.

This will annoy him and crimp his plans, but that’s what parents do.