My son has crappy grades - suggestions?

Build his vocabulary.

You can’t get good grades if you don’t grasp what the teacher/textbook is talking about!

One, remember that you have a whole year to fix this. Short of actually failing the grade, grades in middle school don’t really matter. They won’t effect colleges or anything. So you’ve got a whole semester to figure this out.

Now then, you’ve got to use the time to figure out why he’s failing: both the nuts and bolts (bad tests? sloppy homework? no homework? Goofying off in class?) and the underlying reasons for that (doesn’t see the point, is angry all the time, doesn’t think he can be successful, doesn’t want to look like a dork, has headaches). You cannot trust him to tell you these things–kids are LOUSY at self-analysis and will say what they think you expect to hear because they have no idea and so they are looking to you for clues. So you have to spend time with him talking about school in a non-confrontational way. Do you talk? This is the age that kids fall away from their parents. The best way to keep talking is to have some sort of activity you do together–play cards or go jogging or something so that you have the opportunity to talk.

In general, with kids this age you want punishment and rewards to be small, measurable, achievable, and consistent. Draconian measures aren’t more effective and are harder on everyone.

Does he on any level want to do better/acknowledge that this is important? Does he like anything at all about school?

Get with his teachers and find out what they think about his grades. You don’t know what he’s like at school, they don’t know what he’s like at home. Maybe you can fill in the gaps for each other and figure out why he’s not able to keep up, and what they think will help the situation.

purple haze, have you been able to get anything out of him about why *he *thinks he’s not doing well? I’d be curious about whether he’s bored – or out of his depth and a lot more behind than he’s used to being. Has he tended to be a bright kid to whom things come easily so he’s used to squeaking by without much work, or a good bullshitter, or a defiant struggler who really just doesn’t get it, or… ?

Is there any subject (scholastic or not) that he does succeed in? I don’t think it’s unusual for kids this age to get kind of monomaniacal and focus on one thing (subject, hobby, game, whatever) at the expense of others. In that case acknowledging, legitimizing, and allowing the pet subject while still requiring attention to school might be useful.

Maybe school is hell for social reasons? Maybe doing well academically is dorks-only behavior according to his friends? Maybe he doesn’t have school friends? If he’s slightly older than most kids, is he physically taller or have a deeper voice than average, and take crap for it?

Maybe the transition to different teachers for different subjects messed up the way he relates to school? Sometimes when kids don’t have a homeroom teacher anymore, they lose a de facto mentor or monitor, and their discipline falls apart.

None of these are excuses, of course, but knowing answers helps the figuring out what to do part.

Is there any chance he’s developed depression issues recently? Eighth grade was hell for me; the hormones of puberty settled in for good instead of fluctuating all over like they did the year before, and with them came what I know now was serious clinical depression. School suffered some.

Still thinking, slowly, missing edit windows…

Have you met his teachers? I wouldn’t say this to your kid, of course, but it’s entirely possible that he hates some of his teachers because they really do suck. Eighth grade is a hard one to teach well and there’s a shortage of qualified teachers in many places. Again, sucky teachers are no excuse for failing classes, but in that case getting a tutor could be the way to go. Similarly, if your district is using lousy textbooks (and oh my goodness there are some doozies out there!), getting good ones from elsewhere might help. That route’s obviously easier if you know the material yourself.

You mentioned you’d been lenient in the past. May I ask what your thinking was? Did you agree with him that the subject material was boring, or useless, or make-work, or something? Or were you being sympathetic while not agreeing? I mean, do you like any academic subjects?

If his only serious problem scholastically is that he can’t be bothered to turn stuff in (and this was a problem for me at that age), I honestly think you’re in for a very tough time. You can help by finding out what’s due and making sure he does it… which might mean a battle with him every day. I’ve seen that work, but only with parents who are willing to fight the battles all-out. It’s not something you just try for a week or two; it’ll take a while, months or years, to get him used to a new routine, a new standard.

If his problem is not turning in homework, make the strategy that he has to show you the returned homework marked by the teacher - that’s the closed loop. As time goes on, add privileges for better scores on homework. Finish it off by more privileges when the report card arrives for As and Bs.

My daughter can do the homework (we have to hassle her about it, but it will get done), turning it in is a whole 'nother battle.

If the teachers do not return homework, ask them to start. Let them know what is going on and this is how you plan on addressing it.

Having been the kid in the OP’s position, I’m telling you that removing privledges and using bribes do not work. At that time for me, I didn’t give a rats ass about the homework. Didn’t care about the bribes or privledges, or the sit downs with my parents and teachers either. I would put my assignments in my desk and leave for the day. I understood the work, but had zero interest. Failed the 7th grade actually. The principal offered that if I could redo the 1st quarter of next year, only then could I advance to the 8th grade. In hindsight, I’m glad I was given the opportunity to make it up, however I still barely passed the 1st quarter to advance to the 8th grade, but I did.

What worked for me I believe, was me getting a job (paper route) and I feel it was pivotal in my improvement in school. I may not have known it then, but I’m thinking having responsibility with a job meant that I would have some money to buy my own video games, clothes, etc… I went from D’s and F’s to B’s and C’s for awhile. Improved even further in my Sophmore year, as I get an even better job, and enjoyed it. The job was entry level datacenter work (damn lucky for 15yo), which I feel also helped me be more analytical outside of work, and I was good at it. Which gave me more confidence as a result. Finshed high school with A’s and B’s… but that’s just my story. Zero interest in college though. Even though I improved, I never felt school was that important, and still don’t, unless it’s for something you need to know, like engineering, medical, business. Otherwise… nah.

Former tutor chiming in

What kind of role models does your son have? What kind of friends? These factors are a big part of why he may be struggling. Some kids feel hopeless, that getting an A in a class is ‘impossible’ either because its never happened, they don’t get along with the teacher, etc. This kind of attitude can make them cynical and unwilling to really buckle down.

I’m also curious as to what your son does when you take away his privleges. That tactic actually worked well for me when I was in middle school- I was most movitaved when my parents conveyed that I really needed to get my shit together. However I’m not your son.

As others have said, you need to micromanage his time, see what he is doing with his time, how much work is he turning in, etc. and try to find a way to make it a cooperative effort and not a war. As a tutor, my ‘success stories’ were generally kids and parents that learned to work as a team.

I can only chime up and express my concern at the number of people saying that as long as the answer is correct, using the teacher’s methodology does not matter.

Not only is there the ‘piggybacking’ issue already raised, but more and more exams are expecting children to show their workings - which are then marked seperately, so it’s quite possible to get the problem wrong due to a simple arithmetical error but still gain marks for using the correct working.

Now, this might not be the case for your son’s school/area/class, but it doesn’t seem worth the risk to me, and might explain why your daughter was getting so upset.

Put it all on him and make him responsible for his actions.

“You have lost xxxxx privilege due to bad grades. When your next two consecutive report cards show grades of C or higher in all classes, this privilege will be restored. If the grades fall, the privilege will be permanently revoked.”

Then help him achieve the goal. Establish a schedule with him for study time and help him stick to it, something like: Let’s say the hours from 6:30 pm to 8:00 pm are reserved for studying. That studying will be done at the kitchen table (or wherever) so that the parents can keep an eye on you and help as needed. If the computer is needed for research, one of the parents will sit with you at the computer while the research is done. No music, no radio, no TV while studying is being done. If you finish early, you have to show the completed assignment to the parent monitoring you and be prepared to answer questions on it.

Yeah, it’ll be rough. But it is necessary.

Well here’s what my Dad started doing for me when I was in about 5th grade and continued throughout high school: for report card grades I got $10 for each A, $5 for each B, nothing for C’s, owed him $5 for each D, and owed $10 for each F.
Considering that I am now a senior in college studying civil engineering I would say that it worked out pretty well. I would say that those amounts would have to be adjusted to suit today’s value of a dollar, but you get the general idea. At that age you don’t care much about college, but enough money for a new video game or two in your pocket at the end of the semester is pretty good encouragement.

Yeah, when I was a kid everybody else got money for grades. I didn’t because “school is your job”. I also didn’t get any trips to Disney World for grades either.

Did your parents not get paid at their jobs? :wink:

Well I’m going to disagree with the flow here.

Time for a few harsh words. First off, your child is not special. If you think he is, he is not. He is made up of the same parts and pieces as every other monkey out there, and that means that he has his strengths and weaknesses. Some kids aren’t college material either. In today’s world that doesn’t mean much anyway. Unless your degree is in a technical, or medical field it is pretty much useless anyway. Don’t sweat it.

Firstly your son is old enough to handle a frank discussion about life. He will be embarrassed and try to weasel out of it. He will roll his eyes, he will huff and sigh. You must remember that your are the bigger person and ignore this. Explain to him that everyone is good at something, and that while you do not expect A’s and B’s in all his classes, you expect to see C’s with at least one B thrown in there somewhere. Explain that C means average, and that’s an OK thing to be in a subject that you find difficult or completely uninteresting. Don’t TELL him what he is good at, let him find it on his own.

I disagree also with micromanaging. NOBODY likes that, and it causes too much stress. Make it a simple cause and effect relationship based weekly. Most teachers are willing to do a weekly progress report. If you can do this via e-mail and bypass him, all the better. If he does c level work and turns in his assignments, then his privileges are restored or continue for the next week. If he slips they go away.

Help him to find something constructive to be interested in. Video games are fun, but they are like TV, or reading for pleasure- a leisure activity. As long as his interest is either healthy or constructive, support it regardless of your personal level on interest or approval. You have to let him build confidence in himself, you can’t do it for him. Too many parent make this mistake.

Not a parent, but I do remember 8th grade quite well. Everything was ‘stupid!’

How about telling him about some of the stupid things you have to do at work?

I think it is stupid I have to fill out an electronic time sheet as a salaried professional, but I"m required to do so. I have to sit through idiotic human resources presentations and I have to spend a certain number of hours attending ridiculous continuing education classes. What? I"m not allowed to trade sex for a promotion? If someone wants to pay for their stock trade with a briefcase full of $20 bills in the parking lot of a convenience store, I should report it? Never would have crossed my mind.

Send him to a labor pool for a day. He’s obviously too young to actually work for one, but watching someone sweat at a miserable minimum wage construction job that might not even be available the next day is awfully motivating.

This is a bit more difficult, but… if the sister is in the house, it would probably work wonders for him if she weren’t. I looked up to my brother (similar age gap) in ways I never understood until I was in my twenties, and I’m absolutely certain that if he’d done badly in school, I would have too. Chances are he’s treating his sister and his friends as his yardsticks, and if he’s doing poorly, chances are his friends are too- and as your daughter did.

A small solution but…make sure your kids are happy at school.

I got bad grades in grade/high school and my parents ran the gamut with me in groundings/punishments.

I was literally grounded an entire school year because of my bad grades, but they never really got better because I was absolutely miserable at school; I hated the teachers, the other kids, the schoolwork and everything so I essentially stopped caring.

Make sure your kids are actually happy with themselves/school…because actually caring about it will go a long way.

Ugly Truth Time: you may have to face the realization that your children are stupid, lazy, or foolish. Or some combination of the three.

Fortunately for me, I had my aunt (my Dad’s half-sister) and three cousins as good counter-examples. They lived welfare-check-to-welfare-check. The best meal they could afford was Hamburger Helper for Sunday Dinner and XMas. Their Section 8 House was always cold and drafty in the winter, and hot, muggy, and smelly in the summer.

The slept on matresses on the floor (they couldn’t afford box-springs and even basic bed frames), on unwashed sheets that had probably started life as a particular color, but had long since turned a grayish brown from sweat and body oils and not having been washed in several years.

My oldest cousin, who was slightly older than I, dropped out of school in his sophomore year of H.S., and graduated to dealing pot, going on to earn his Masters in meth, and he was in-and-out of first, juvie lock-up, and then state; he was never smart enough to graduate up to federal-level attention. And before someone comes in and points out the folly of the War on Drugs and the stupidity of locking up someone for dealing a few joints, Oldest Cousin went away for multiple accounts of murder and attempted murder, while being caught with enough junk to keep a suburb in a medium-sized city happy and high for a month. I was told the D.A.'s Office, as well as the local narc squad, drank Champagne and danced on their desks when the jury returned “Guilty, All Counts” on oldest cousin.

He’s dead now. He died in prison of pneumonia.

Middle Cousin is slightly younger than I. He graduated HS, but with Ds and Fs. He works day-labor construction. He’s an alcoholic, a meth addict, and he beats his wife and children (when they’re home; they leave-and-come-back like a yo-yo) because his life is so shitty. He’s early 40s, looks like late 50s. His hands and body are gnarled from years of hard manual labor in all kinds of weather.

Youngest cousin graduated high school, with about a C average. He worked at restaurants, and displayed some skill for cooking, which his employer recognized, so his employer sponsored him for a culinary school, which he passed with high marks. He’s now head chef at a nice hotel out West, pulling down good scratch.

I would say show your kids the “downside” of life without education, using my experience and family as a guide, except I get the strong impression from your OP that they, like millions of other American kids, won’t believe it can happen to them that way, because, well, it just can’t. In this regard they are no different than the kids of the previous generation, or even further back.

The difference today is that a lot of good-paying, (essentially) unskilled jobs are going away, and not coming back, so the downward slope to shabby impoverishment is steeper, and more slippery, than it has been in a good long while.

So my advice is to get used to failure kids who go on to be failure adults, drifting in-and-out of your life as they rebound from one loser job to the next, dragging their squalid little families with them.

Because I have learned, from painful personal experience, as well as eyewitness evidence of failed family members, that the study and work habits formed during those teen years are crucial to success later in life. And while it’s not impossible to learn these habits later in life, it is much more difficult when you are distracted with a lousy commute in a beater car, a crappy job, worries about rent and groceries, and how you’re going to pay for the kid’s medical on your crappy, no-health-insurance-job. And the scary part is, those are the people who are getting by.

Just.

But they are one missed paycheck away from eviction; one major auto malfunction away from losing their job; one major illness or injury away from job loss and possible disability. The margin of survival at that level is pretty damned thin, and with trillion-dollar-deficits looming in the near future, I wouldn’t be too ready and willing to count on Uncle Sugar for that social safety net.

But kids don’t think that way, more is the pity. Unless you can figure out how to make them.

While I don’t normally preach the advantages of benefiting at other people’s expense, if your church (or a local church) does community outreach, it may be a good way to expose your kids to the poor, unfortunate wretches they are in danger of becoming.

There’s nothing unethical about learning from other people’s mistakes. It is better to learn from a bad example than to be one.

First of all sit down and honestly evaluate the work. Is it too hard for your kid? We view children as an extension of ourselves so we say “I can (could’ve done) do it, why can’t he?”

Is he hopelessly lost? For instance in math you can’t progress to the next step without a good grasp of the last, but schools do this. If you haven’t mastered divison you can’t move on to algebra or geometry, yet schools do this. They give the kid a “D” in division and expect next year he magically learned everything and start him in alebra. Then a “D” in algebra and now he’s in geometry and he’s hopelessly lost 'cause he can’t really work divison.

Is the material presented properly. Some teachers just suck. I had teachers in my high school that literally just read out of the book. I had other teachers that would say “OK pay attention this is on the test.” I just wrote down whatever he said when he said “This will be on the test,” and fed it back to him.

Is he miserable? Is he being picked on? Teased? Have his own inner deamons like acne, homosexuality, dating, sex or lack of , OCD, anorexia? Often parents write these off as cute quirks.

Assuming that all is fine then you can move to the next level, getting him to do something. If you can afford it get a tutor. Simply removing all his fun won’t make him learn, if anything he’ll sit there and do nothing just to prove you were wrong.

The basic thing is this is NOT a POWER struggle. It doesn’t matter if you or the child is winning his future is what counts.

Think of it like if your son fell down and broke his leg, you might say “how did you do this,” but you’d get the problem fixed without any regard to how it was caused, then you’d revisit that after he was OK.

Finally you really have to force yourself to look at your kid how he IS not through a mother’s eyes.

Only then can you make decisions that will HELP him not punish him.

Have you taken him to see a psychologist/psychiatrist? This was my EXACT problem in High School. Is he doing the work? What happened to me is I did the work but had some anxiety issues and wouldn’t turn them in because of some nebulous, stupid, unexplainable "fear, so I’d be doing A work and getting C’s on the assignments because I’d turn it in two weeks late (even though i had it done on the due date). Once I got some counseling (and for a little bit some medicine) I got better my senior year (until one small part where I crashed from stress, which brought all the issues back for a little while, but that required a lot more than just school to happen). If this does end up being his problem get help NOW. What happened to me is the stress of getting yelled at and doing bad in class compounded until I went into what was basically a BSOD until I got help. The compounding was so bad I started throwing away tests I missed one question on because I “was too stupid to get any points,” I ended up passing Trig by 1 point, I aced almost all the tests but didn’t turn in the eighteen-bajillion 5 point homework assignments that were graded almost entirely on effort because of my issues and even my test grades couldn’t get me out of it.

Edit: I should add, though, that while I may have gotten the odd D it was mostly A’s and B’s, so your problem seems a bit worse.