My stepmother is a vandal and a theif

The BBQ Pit
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ratty, it sounds like you’ve overcome a lot, and I’m glad that you have the insight you do about your childhood.

And I thought I was going to argue with you about this last part, but re-reading it, I’m not so sure…because I agree with pretty much everything you’ve said. See all the italics I added? That’s my belief, right on the button. And that’s the point–treating kids like KIDS is different than treating them like adults.

My only contention is that it is possible to limit your kid’s right to privacy and also be respectful of his needs. One way of doing this is to be up front about it: my kids know the rule, and they know the consequences–at most, a sit-down with Mom to figure out how to handle a big problem. I’d never use anything I find to humilate or hurt them, or throw it back in their faces later. In most cases, they never even KNOW I’ve read anything in their room, because all I do is read it–not throw it out, not crumple it up, not write messages on it, nada.

I respect my kids a lot. They speak their minds politely, they’re fairly honest, and they behave appropriately in any situation they find themselves. They know that if they don’t agree with me, they can say so without getting chewed out. Their opinions aren’t shot down as juvenile or childish. They can dye their hair, pierce their noses, wear love beads or three piece suits, I’m cool with it.

Being IN CONTROL of what happens in your home is not the same as being OVERCONTROLLING. Privately reading a journal left on a dresser is a hell of a far cry from forcing a teenager to read her love letters out loud in front of the entire family, you know? Authoritative parent vs Athoritarian parent…it is possible to be one without being the other.

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Just wanted to say I agree completely with your post, bodypoet. You put my own views on parenting much more succintly than I could have done, despite my rambling several paragraphs. I suppose all I really wanted to communicate is that every situation is different, and that there is a huge amount of grey area in parenting, where you can be in charge, but not overbearing, and a friend to your child, but not overly permissive.

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Hell, I’d write shit that wasn’t true, just to catch them on it.

How can I ask my future children to treat others with respect, if I don’t respect them in turn?

Well goody for you. That makes it SOOO much better, doesn’t it?

:rolleyes:

No, but not being able to trust sure is.

What the FUCK is your deal? No one said anything about being your kid’s buddy. All we said was, if you see a journal sitting in your child’s room, that doesn’t give you the right to read it. Unless you have other cause to suspect some serious shit going on.

I’m glad my mother respected me, because I can go to her and trust her and ask her advice. If she didn’t respect my privacy, I wouldn’t trust her and I’d be fucking sneaky.

Um, hello, self-fulfilling prophecy?

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I got news for you Guin, if you had a journal out where it could be seen, your mom read it. No doubt about it. She just didn’t tell you.

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I guess this would be a really bad time to point out that my children have physical an online journals which are TOTALLY unprotected and I regard those journals as being none of my fucking business unless and until I have substantial reason to believe my children may be in danger - in which case I will and I HAVE in the past gained information which has enabled me to protect my children.

I have no inherent right whatsoever to read my child’s day to day writings. I feel privileged when she shares them with me (and some of them have been fairly “dark”), but I have no right whatsoever to see and pass judgement on every single word she writes.

FWIW, my children feel totally comfortable bringing to me their poems, pictures, other creative works which express violent or suicidal ideation. At the weirdest of times, I’ll be asked to look at a particular picture or read a particular poem.

I came into this thread feeling that the OP was a pretty selfish, immature bitch. The more responses of hers I read the more I was convinced that her current living situation was an “option of last resort” for both her and the household where she is currently living.

I believe that the OP is genuinely in need of practical help. It’s kind of sad that she had to post a “my WSM is a bitch” thread than having enough faith in us as a community to post a “oh fuck, I don’t know what to do next” thread.

Until this moment, I’ve regarded the forum divisions as being fairly arbitrary and fairly irrelevant. This is one of the very few instances in which I think that some of us responded more in the “spirit of the forum” than to the content of the OP.

I know that this subject is way too close to my own heart right now for me to continue in this thread.

I wish you the best lola. If ever you need people to talk to, my email addy is in my profile as are the email addresses of many of the other parents who’ve posted here.

I can’t say anything more than I hope your life works out in a happier way in the near future. If you need a hand in making that happen, then I know this amazing messageboard where you might find the odd (sometimes VERY odd) person who’d feel privileged to accompany you at least part of the way to a vibrant, fulfilling future.

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Guin, you can’t meet my kids, so maybe you can take my word on this one.
My kids feel trusted, respected, and accepted in my home. They have normal, everyday, teenage problems–they don’t like chores, etc–but overall, they’re pretty healthy. They don’t have the anger that you’re projecting here, and they aren’t sneaky, and what’s more, THEY RESPECT ME AND OTHER PEOPLE.
My home is not a police state. It’s just a home where I expect to be the parent. I have privileges and rights that they don’t have at this time, because they are 12 and 16 respectively. As they get older and more independent, they’ll have more privileges, and those privileges too will be somewhat dependent on the decisions that I make as a parent. For instance, my son will be able to drive soon, and that’s fine–unless he causes an accident, gets caught without a seatbelt, or otherwise shows he’s not ready, then he’ll lose his license until I get the impression he’s mature enough for it. He knows this, and every time he gets in a car, he’ll make choices based on that. I think that might be a good thing.
Kids don’t get screwed up to the degree you imply just because Mom reads their stuff if it happens to be around. Trust me, they don’t. If I combined stuff-reading with ridicule, belittling, name-calling, screaming, and other types of abuse, THEN I could expect to have some untrusting, furtive, sneaky, writing-shit-to-upset-that-meddling-bitch kid on my hands.
But I don’t. In most areas, I’m a very laid-back parent. Want green hair? Have at it. Want to go into auto repair instead of engineering? Okay by me. Piercings? Ouch, but it’s your skin.
I worked with troubled teenagers for 10 years, and I know for a fact that things could be a hell of a lot worse than having a nosy mom.

Back to the OP, Lola, you still with us? I’d like to hear how things are going.

187

Lola:

I’m not a parent, so I guess I have a different view than many in the board. I feel that some comments to you here were a little harsh. Sure, there were some signs of frustration on your part, perhaps saying things you don’t necessarily mean (I assumed that with the comment about inheriting the house, it was a frustrated comment, not a wish for death.) But nothing that seemed to make you a ‘selfish, immature bitch’ as your described ACTIONS are very mild. shrugs The crime that you’ve committed is very small, and the punishment by the mother in law rather strict…that I can understand why there is a certain amount of frustration on your part.

I understand how hard it is to ‘move on’ sometimes, how hard it is to know what the right decision is. I myself still struggle, an example being my current job. I’m not sure if I should stay because I’m not happy, but there are so many factors keeping me here. If you need to talk, please feel free to email me. Basically, I don’t think you have behaved horribly, I think a trust has been violated, and I understand some of your feelings. hug

Wishing you the best Lola :slight_smile:

Viv

188

Wow, I had to spend the week away and now I have to clarify a few things:

  1. When I meant that I would get 50% of a house, I meant my mother’s house, which she has told me would go to my brother and I upon her death. She has made arrangements for this.

  2. The “giddiness” remark was not a comment on the subject of becoming an orphan, but just a statement of my mood at the time when I posted.

  3. My mother had to smuggle the futon up because my stepmom has declared that my mother isn’t allowed in the house. My father couldn’t give her directions to the house so that she could drop off some furniture on Easter weekend. My mom and stepdad were camping in Gatineau park as part of their trip to Gaspe, so I met them after work, directed them to the house, then dragged the futon inside the house and down the stairs myself so that Mom didn’t have to set foot inside, as per stepmom’s wishes.
    Dad was putting off moving my furniture up because he wanted the chance to paint first (and it’s easier to paint an empty room, duh). After that, every free weekend he’s had has been spent at the cottage. He hasn’t had time to take a day to move my stuff up.

  4. It was stepmom herself who invited me to move in about a year ago. Dad has been dangling an offer to stay in this house in front of me for years now; he kept on telling me I should go to high school in Quebec during the school year and work at Upper Canada Village during the summer.

  5. I try not to be a sponge; I never make a mess and when I do I clean it up, my objective is to make it look as though I was never there. I rarely ever eat their food and I NEVER use the computer or television when the fam is home; only when they’re away, so that it is always there for them when they want it without me standing in the way. I do my own laundry, I wash my own dishes and I scrub the toilet if it looks like it needs it.

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Also, I would like to add that I am living with my Dad and stepmom because there were no jobs where I was living before and there are plenty here.
Also, the offer to live here wasn’t “until I got myself on my feet”; I was invited to share the house, which is why I can’t understand why stepmom is so angry that I am there, especially when it was she who offered it to me seriously in the first place.

I have already explained that my stepmother is an angry person. All through her courtship with my dad, I can remember her sulking in her room and him pleading through the door with her to come out and talk. I know now that she is prone to door-slamming, sarcastic comments and lots of firey, Old-Testament-style judging of other people.
You should hear her rant about Alanis’ Thank U video - she sees it as porn - she cannot concieve that nudity can mean anything other than sex.

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Lola, I don’t know how much it will help, but what you’ve said here is very important, I think: Your stepmother is an angry person. It’s very likely that she is not really mad at YOU at all–something else in her life is pissing her off, and she is taking it out on you (and probably on other people as well.)
I remember when my mom started acting like she hated me…the very sight of me was enough to set her off during my senior year of high school. It was miserable. It wasn’t until a decade later that I found out she had been going through menopause and all the attendant hormonal stuff, AND she had found out that my father was having an affair.
I’m sure your sm’s circumstances are different, but keep in mind that you, your journal, and your behavior may not be the cause of her anger. It just may be the target.
I still think it’ll be good for you to get out, but I bet I don’t have to tell you that, eh?
Best,
karol