My Telemarketing Script.

[d12]

Hi, Mr/Mrs ______? It’s d12 calling from <Lame Company>. It’s just a quick call. I just wanted to see if you’ve recieved your free sample of our naturally raised beef?

• No

Ok I guess we’ll just bring that by tomorrow but first I have a few questions for you.

Do you have a Deep Freezer? Yes/No
Is it small, medium or large? Sm/Med/Lg
How full would you say it is? ___
How many people do you shop for? ____
Where do you buy your meat from? Grocery Store/Butcher/Farmer/ Other
Do you own or rent the house? Own/Rent
And last you and your spouse are working? Full/Part/Not

Ok so I guess we’ll give you a call tomorrow between __ and ___ and if you’re both home we’ll send that sample by ok?

[grimpixie]

Well thank you!!

[Horseflesh]

“Hi, Mr/Mrs ______? It’s d12 calling from <Lame Company>. It’s just a quick call. I just wanted to see if …”

Thank you, no. I’ve already got 12 of whatever you’re selling, I’m broke and I’ll be dead within the week. Please put me on your “Do Not Call” list. Also put me on the “Do Not Harrass”, “Do Not Annoy”, and “Do Not Bother” lists as well. Tell all your telemarketing friends. Tattoo my name on the back of your dialing hand with the subtext underneath reading “Call this person and assure your untimely demise”. On the other hand, my mother-in-law would love some of your product. Here’s her name and number. You will best be able to reach her at 6 am on Saturdays and Sundays. If she doesn’t answer keep trying repeatedly.

Haveaniceday-<click>

[Inky_1]

Hi, Mr/Mrs ______? It’s d12 calling from <Lame Company>. It’s just a quick call. I just wanted to see if you’ve recieved your free sample of our naturally raised baby meat?

Yes ma’am, baby meat.

No, no, no. It’s not meat for babies (heaven forbid). No, it’s meat from babies. Specifically babies from third-world countries. I understand they have a considerable surplus. It’s very tender, low in cholesterol, and we

Are you okay, ma’am? It sounded like you were choking?

Do you have a Deep Freezer?

[FairyChatMom]

"Hi, Mr/Mrs ______? It’s d12 calling from <Lame Company>. "

Me: Not interested. <click>

Plus, I’d be disturbed if I received an unsolicited meat delivery. (Does that sound dirty to anyone else?)

[blinx]

*Originally posted by Inky- *

No, no, no. It’s not meat for babies (heaven forbid). No, it’s meat from babies. Specifically babies from third-world countries. I understand they have a considerable surplus. It’s very tender, low in cholesterol, and we

You so made my day

[slortar]

“Hi, Mr/Mrs ____? It’s–”

groan
click
Then again, I’m all about free meat. Bring it on.

[wayward]

Hi, Mr/Mrs ______? It’s…

-I’m sorry, he/she died

<click>

[AHunter3]

My sympathies, d12, but I’ve had worse scripts, believe me. As bad as telemarketing scripts can get, cold-call telephone research can definitely surpass it.

On behalf of the planet’s largest soda pop brand:

Hello, <read name>, I’m calling from WeIrritate2NoEnd, a national telephone research company providing telephone research data to companies worldwide, and today we are asking people about ‘soda pop’, or ‘soft drinks’, and if you are between the ages of 18 and 36 and would be willing to spend a few moments answering some questions, we’d like to ask you about your habits regarding the consumption of ‘soda pop’ or ‘soft drinks’, both in cans or bottles or from a fountain, but FIRST…have you been to a ‘film’ or ‘movie’ playing at a ‘cinema’ or ‘multiplex’ within the last 30 days?

AHunter3 to supervisor: "No, they actually ADDED to the first sentence??? Are they NUTS???
*

OK, <sir or ma’am>, thinking back over the last 12 months, and thinking about times when you consume ‘soda pop’ or ‘soft drinks’, how often would you say that you drink diet brands of soft drinks–“rarely or never”, “once or twice a year”, “less than once a month”, “several times a month but less than weekly”, “weekly”, “several times a week”, “daily”, or “several times per day”?

*OK, ‘not if it were the only form of liquid still in existence on this planet and this planet had already finished going to hell in a handbasket’, umm, since we don’t have the ability to type in custom reponses may I assume that would be “rarely or never”? OK…ummm… ::reads:: *

? OK, <sir or ma’am>, how about diet colas, specifically, how often would you say you drink diet colas? “rarely or nev…”

Umm, yes, I would certainly agree that that would tend to follow from your previous statement. Umm, yes, one would think that the survey design would allow for some intelligent skipping, and I do apologize. So did you say ‘rarely or never’?

…

Yes, sir, so you, umm, keep eight 3-liter bottles cold in the fridge and every time the glass is empty you pour another one, so for your answer concerning your fourth drink of ‘soda pop’ or ‘soft drink’ yesterday, you would perhaps again say that it was Dr. Pepper that you drank at that time? That you bought it in a supermarker? That the supermarket had fewer than 8 cash registers open? Paid with your own money? That it came in a bottle? That the size of the serving you consumed was an 8 ounce glass? And that you finished it all at one time? Very good, sir, thank you. And did you have any more servings of ‘soft drinks’ or ‘soda pop’ between noon and your evening meal? <pleasesaynopleasejustsaynopleasepleasesayno>

[d12]

I hate my work. I only work there because it brings in some money. Any Dopers know where I can get a job that just pays me for nothing?

[LordVor]

You all forgot:
<long pause>
“Hello, Mr./Mrs ____”
<click>

And d12, depending on the amount of money needed, selling your plasma really isn’t that bad.

-lv

[d12]

How exactly go I go about selling my plasma? Sounds like an interesting new business venture.

[RadioWave]

d12,
Whatever you do, do.not.sell.your.plasma! Sell other people’s plasma. I personally can highly recommend Inky brand plasma because it’s low in cholesterol and tastes vaguely like strained carrots. Horseflesh’s mother-in-law’s plasma is also a good bet.

[heresiarch]

I sold plasma for a couple months when I was a poor college student. Not something I’m proud of. I seem to recall that you can go about twice a week.

The money was basically chump change. Enough to buy a case of beer or a week’s worth of Ramen and Mac and Cheese. Not enough to pay rent.

[Sunspace]

And an approach I should try sometime:

<long pause>

“Hello, Mr./Mrs ____”

"Hej, stultulo! Mi ne havas edzinon! NENIU alvokas min per “Mr or Mrs”!!! Kion vi pensis? Cxu mi estas familio tuta?? Cxu vi havas edzinon? Mia hundo estas rugxa, kaj mia kato estas flava. Mi kredas, ke la BlueJays fartas suficxe bone por la mezo de la ludperiodo cxu ne? Cxu vi scias, kie estas la gxusta biblioteko por pruntepreni DVD-ojn? Mi sercxas Angoroj de iu franca. Estas en IMDB sed mi ne scias, cxu gxi haveblas en Nordameriko. Cxi vi scias, ke la Kolekto Judith Merril–unu de la plej grandaj poresplora kolektoj de science-fikcio en Nordameriko–estas en Toronto? La DVD-sistemon povas trakti tri apartajn ciferecajn son-sistemojn. La venonta UK okazos en Svedio. Mi scivolas, cxu la bela francino estos en la buso morgaux? Kaj kiel mi elamikigxis shin? Okazon venontsemajnfine sciencfikcia kunveno cxe la Metro Convention Centre. Cxu vi volas iri? Kio estas via hejma telefonnumero? Mi volas telefoni vin dum vespermangxo kaj gxeni vin per pridiro de miaj propraj aferoj… estas nur gxusta, cxar vi gxenas min. Mia komputilo povas sxpuri vin. Mi scios vian numeron. Kaj mi sciigos la policistaron pri vi…

<15 minutes of breathless talk without interruption snipped>

…sed mi kutime purigas miajn vestajxojn kuke, sen apartigi la kolorajn. Sed mi ne uzas varman akvon: to estas la malsimileco. Poste mi iris al filmo por renkonto belulinon. Sed sxi ne volis resti kun mi. Do mi iris hejmen sole. Kiam mi revenis, mi malkovris, le estas malbona odoro en mia apoartamento. Mi trasercxis la tutan apartamenton, sed trovis nenion. Kaj poste mi subite eksciis, ke estis mi! Do mi min dusxis…"

<click>

[Joyfulgirl]

I worked for a telemarketing research company for a summer when I was 17. I was desperate for money, and it was flexible. But some of the scripts they had us read… it was horrible.

One of the worst was a customer satisfaction survey we were doing for a car insurance company. These people had all been in some sort of accident within the last 6 months. Some of them were happy with the service… until they took our survey. We had to ask them around 40-50 questions, depending on their answers, most of them VERY long-winded and personal. We weren’t allowed to hang up on anyone, prompt any type of answer, or respond with anything other than the pre-approved script lines. We also had to get a specific answer from them, so I often had to ask the same question twice.

I remember one man crying on the phone for over 45 minutes to me, because of his injuries and the fact that no one had returned any of his calls about his claim, and me not being able to respond in any way out of the script. It would’ve been funny if it weren’t so sad.

“I haven’t been able to work since the accident <sob> I can’t do anything now, I feel worthless, I’ve called you over 10 times, and nobody’s responded! How would you like it if I treated you like that? How would you feel?”

“So overall, sir, would you say your experience with <company name> has been positive or negative?”

“What do you think? It’s been negative!”

“We’re sorry you aren’t happy with the quality of service you recieved, and we are very concerned with our customer’s satisfaction. Because you’re dissatisfied, would you agree to let someone from <company name> contact you and review your case?”

“<Choke> What have I been asking for?”

I still have huge amounts of respect for cold callers, though. Everyone I talked to had a connection with the company in question, and were usually pretty nice.

Joyfulgirl
(As god as my witness, I’ll never telemarket again!)

[d12]

So how do I sell my plasma?

[Joyfulgirl]

Never done it myself, but I found an article about the process here. It’s pretty easy to find a center near you, but qualifications can vary from center to center. These people seem pretty good.

$15-$25 a go seems pretty small for the effort, though. Instead, may I recommend becoming a human guinea pig?

[d12]

Darn. I’m under 18. This plasma bit sounds fun! I can go get Hep C vaccinated and then $60 a week?! Thats like $10 less than I make for roughly 20 hours of telemarketing. Now I can’t find any places around Ottawa, Ontario

[Sunspace]

I’m not sure that selling blood, plasma, etc is legal in Canada…