So I get this call during supper…
ring ring
“Hello?”
“Yes, I’m Dick Wadley, senior account auditor at Pacific Bell…”
(Holy crap! senior account auditor!)
“Uh… is there anything wrong?”
“Oh, NO sir! We just audited your account and found you can save 32% on your phone bill if we upgrade you to a superscam account.”
“What are the details of this account?”
“Well, you only have to pay 7 cents a minute for long distance, any time you call.”
“How much am I paying now?”
“Well, sir, that’s on your phone bill.”
“I don’t have it on me. How much am I paying now?”
(pull a few teeth, get a few answers… after much effort, I find out my current rate.)
“You’re paying 10 cents a minute for long distance, sir.”
“Oh, sounds good. Send me an information packet and I’ll think about it.”
“Well, I can’t send you an information packet.”
“How do you expect me to sign up for this account if you don’t give me any information on what I’m signing up for?”
“Well, sir, the account has blah blah blah blah”
“I’m eating supper. Send me a packet and I’ll look into it.”
“Well now, sir, I can’t send you a packet.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m not a salesman or a telemarketer or anything…”
(At this point I should have revealed to Dick that I’m really Napoleon II…)
“… and since I’m not a telemarketer, I’m only an account auditor, I can’t send you any information. I can only sign you up for the new account.”
“Forget it. I’m not signing up unless I know what I’m signing.”
“Well, it’s a good account, sir. It’s got blah blah blah…”
“I’m trying to eat supper.”
“blah blah blah”
“Look, I have a cold, and I feel physically ill right now.”
“Well, sir, if you’ll wait a minute, the superscam account has blah blah blah blah…”
“Wait a minute- could you repeat that? Did you say that all calls, long distance AND local, are 7 cents a minute?”
“Oh, yes sir.”
“How much am I paying per minute for local calls now?”
“Why, I wouldn’t know that, sir.”
(Didn’t you just say you were an account auditor?)
“Look, I’m not interested.”
“But the superscam account has blah blah blah jibberjabberjibberjabberjabbajabbajabbajaaaaaaaws-”
(Dick, you are the weakest link…)
“I am not interested. Goodbye.”
"But wait! Blah blah blah"click.
In a way, telemarketers remind me of Clarice Sterling and Hannibal Lecter, in those scenes where she was questioning him in his cell. He wanted to hurt her, but he couldn’t touch her. All he could do is talk to her, and his only hold on her was the fact that she wanted something from him. I wonder how many people tell the telemarketers that they’ll seriously consider buying the product- but only if the telemarketer reveals bits of deeply painful personal information.
-Ben