It started a year ago. The entire bathroom was refurbished. My family and I said goodbye to our old trusty American Standard and welcomed the newfangled, low water usage demon tank into our home. We were welcoming a pissy portal to hell, if only we had known.
Immediately upon installation, it tried to eat our cat. At the time we blamed the plumber, but that was before we learned it’s sneaky, insidious ways. We soon found out that our toilet doesn’t like crap. My family and I learned to break up our daily movements into smaller, bite-sized pieces. We learned this the hard way.
It soon grew bold and started spitting at us. Pull the lever and instead of the water going down, it would leap up, either giving your crack a goose if you sitting, or spitting on your knees if you were standing. So you would think that we could just close the lid before flushing to avoid the spitting toilet, right? Did I mention the evil pot’s aversion to crap? It also developed an aversion to toilet paper. If you put the lid down to avoid the spit, the toilet, then how can you tell if you kneed to stick your hand in the tank to keep the bowl from overflowing?
Two weeks ago the damned thing started screaming. But only at night. During the day it flushes just like any regular possessed demon toilet. At night it howls like a banshee. The sound is high-pitched and shrill at first, then slows to a low moaning. It sometimes finishes with a few loud bangs.
Does anyone know where I can find a plumber/exorcist?