My toilet is possessed

It started a year ago. The entire bathroom was refurbished. My family and I said goodbye to our old trusty American Standard and welcomed the newfangled, low water usage demon tank into our home. We were welcoming a pissy portal to hell, if only we had known.

Immediately upon installation, it tried to eat our cat. At the time we blamed the plumber, but that was before we learned it’s sneaky, insidious ways. We soon found out that our toilet doesn’t like crap. My family and I learned to break up our daily movements into smaller, bite-sized pieces. We learned this the hard way.

It soon grew bold and started spitting at us. Pull the lever and instead of the water going down, it would leap up, either giving your crack a goose if you sitting, or spitting on your knees if you were standing. So you would think that we could just close the lid before flushing to avoid the spitting toilet, right? Did I mention the evil pot’s aversion to crap? It also developed an aversion to toilet paper. If you put the lid down to avoid the spit, the toilet, then how can you tell if you kneed to stick your hand in the tank to keep the bowl from overflowing?

Two weeks ago the damned thing started screaming. But only at night. During the day it flushes just like any regular possessed demon toilet. At night it howls like a banshee. The sound is high-pitched and shrill at first, then slows to a low moaning. It sometimes finishes with a few loud bangs.

Does anyone know where I can find a plumber/exorcist?

Move your bowels in a hole in the ground.

Toilets are insidious devil spawn.

If you find a plumber/exorcist let me know.

As bizzar as it sounds I took today off to battle my toilet. For the past few months its been clogging. A quick plunge will cure it. WELL… the female I live with CLAIMS she only PEE’D in it yesterday and it clogged. She then says she plunged it and the only thing that happened was that it pulled up shit out of the pipes.

Indead upon checking this out the toilet is FULL of shit. SHIT. I plunged and plunged and plunged and only succeded in pureeing, mixing and thickening the soup. After a couple of hours the water level slowley drained and I was left with well… shit without the water.

I gets a bright idea!! Liquid Fire! Or as its more commonly known, concentrated Sulfuric Acid. I don safety glasses and pour half a bottle in the toilet. What I didn’t think through was the amazing effect of concentrated acid on shit!The shit bubbled and fizzed and SMOKED!! OMG ACIDSHITFUMES!!! A deadlier combination there has never been! Very very very very very pungent let me tell ya. I let the witches brew cook for about half an hour before pouring water into the bowl expecting it to just go right down.

No luck. In about an hour when the stores open I shall purchase a snake.

Wish me luck.

Lose the little 1.6 gallon tank. Get a black market Canadian 5 gallon one, or send Houseman to Toronto to get a real one.

Thanks so much for sharing Whammo. I really need that friggin’ mental image the rest of the day :smiley:

Biggirl, not all low flow toilets are the same I recently replaced one for my parents. The old one required an additional gallon of water poured into the bowl on flushing to get rid of even a minor bm. I replaced it with an Eljer 1.6gpf model that’s a turd flushing bastard. The performance is so good that I don’t think I’d be physically capable of overloading it.

I’d never thought of myself as an evil spirit, but I do possess 3 toilets. And a dog.

Band name!!! I’m thinkin’ some kind of symphonic group oughta trademark that.

Snake no work… need to call a plumber.

How can I call a plumber with my toilet full of shit?!!?!

I don’t think I can convince my landlord that the tank we now have is possessed and we need to change it. And the spitting and howling is quite unsettling.

Whammo, plumbers are used to acid eating shit. Some probably collect the more virulent specimens in jars and display them in private Plumber’s Museums of Quirky and Unusual Fecal Matter.

Wheeew, It took me 4 times reading that to notice the word ‘tank’ at the end of ‘stick your hand in’. For a moment you were on the ‘remember not to shake hands with’ list.

I cannot listen to people argue about toilets anymore. The low-flow toilets in my company’s building are incompatible with the old pipes and we are now considering smuggling old-fashioned water chuggers in from Canada. We have discussed buying toilets over ebay. Jokes have been made about digging a privy in the parking lot. The word “deposit” have become entirely disassociated from the concept of banking.

I want to go home now. <whimper>

I think I’ve mentioned this somewhere on the board before, but my toilet sometimes flushes itself. While I’m in another room. And only at night.

Common sense says this is a water pressure glitch, not the devil himself stopping for a nice sit down in my bathroom. It is only my clinging to that thread of common sense that keeps me from packing-- hell, skip packing, let’s get straight to grabbing my keys and getting the hell out of here.

Biggirl, if your landlord won’t accept the possession hypothesis, I think you have to consider that he may in fact be in league with the devil. I’m pretty sure mine is.

Don’t touch my knee either. Believe it or not, I previewed that post. Do you think the devil got into my computer too?

I hate our new toilet. First of all, it doesn’t have the good Manly flush as described by Al Bundy. Second, it hisses randomly. Only it doesn’t seem so random. There’s nothing scarier than walking into a dark bathroom at 3 AM and hearing “FAWIISH!” eminate from the toilet. It sounds like it is flushing, sorta, but isn’t. Pretty damn freaky if you ask me.

Well, our toilet hates our sink. When ever we turn on the faucet on the sink, the toilet makes a sound with the water that sounds like it’s hissing. Creepy.

Pressure assist, baby! Get it at the Home Despot. Uses 1.5 gallons and can flush a grapefruit. (Don’t try this at home, kiddies)

Well, then you obviously didn’t get a Ferguson…

Plumber came… his snake wouldnt work either… Know what he did? He sucked the clog out with a shop-vac. I kid you not. My brains not smart enough to come up with that on its own. In 20 minutes I was $60 lighter… coulda bought a shop-vac for that.

Oh yeah… the clog was a grapefruit wrapped in paper towels. Don’t ever flush paper towels.

Well, you coulda bought a shop vac, but then you’d have…a shit-filled shop vac…and a toilet that won’s flush it. Whattinhell ya gonna DO with it?

Wait a sec. You’re saying the problem was the freakin’ paper towels? I suspect they’d be ok if they weren’t wrapping a GRAPEFRUIT! Sheesh.

Biggirl, you forgot the most important one: Which way does your possessed toilet spin?