olives I’m so sorry for your loss. Your family and you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Like others have said, being there for your grandparents is the best thing you can do.
I really appreciate all of your support. I had always figured responses in a message board thread would be small comfort in times like these, but your words of advice and caring really have made a big difference in my ability to deal with this. I was worried I might be ‘‘doing it wrong’’ and it’s lovely to know that it’s okay to feel whatever I feel.
I had a tough time sleeping last night worrying about all my family and still feeling so stunned. It is really strange to have someone who is such a huge part of your childhood suddenly vanish.
I spoke with my grandparents today and they need some space to make the funeral arrangements… funeral will be Wednesday and he is going to cremated. They have an appointment to go identify the body today and a lot of other details to take care of. Grandpa told me they are all doing pretty well, including the children, and just have to get some things settled before we get together. They think Tuesday will be a good time for me to head over and spend some time with Grandma and my Aunt. There’s a decent chance I’ll just go into work tomorrow and just take Tuesday/Wednesday off but I haven’t decided yet. I’m still crying off and on, so we’ll see how well I can focus. This hit me a lot harder than I ever would have guessed. My bosses are being very understanding so I think either way they will be supportive… I have several paid days off I can use however I want.
For some reason whether I take Monday off or not seems like the Most Important Decision in the World right now. I guess in the grand scheme of things, not all that important. I just really want to be with my family right now but I also understand my grandparents’ need for space. They know I’m here whenever they need me, and I guess that has to be sufficient for now.
Again, I really appreciate the support.
I’m sorry to hear about your loss, olives. I am very close with my uncle on my mom’s side and I can’t imagine how’d I’d feel if something like this happened. My thoughts are with you and yours.
Oh, Christy, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve had the misfortune of having to deal with death from a very early age and can tell you that it sucks no matter when or where it happens. To lose someone this young is very painful for everyone involved. I know your loss and I know that you and your family will get through this sorrowful journey. Godspeed to you and yours. Know that you can PM any time or my email is in my profile.
Well, this is actually turning out to be harder than it seemed at first. There’s something kind of beautiful about people coming together to grieve, I guess. This is impacting us all in ways we couldn’t have guessed, making us grieve for him as well as our past. I know it sounds weird, but my Aunts and Uncles are all like brothers and sisters. We grew up together, and then things happened that divided us all, and now we just all feel this need to go home and be together, like before.
I need to be with my family, and today I was finally able to communicate that need to my grandmother. It hadn’t occurred to either of them that we might actually want to be there, for us as well as them, but now they know and I’m going home for a few days. It really is my home, the one place that’s always been there.
Tomorrow me, Grandpa, and my Mom are going to break the news to my other Uncle. He has not been told yet because he is mentally ill and very unstable. I’m not sure how he is going to react, but it’s just one of those things you have to do. So I am going to take off for a few days and go home and just be with the people I love. I never really got the meaning of family until now, until I realized that I could ramble on about this until I am blue in the face but it wouldn’t successfully explain the way this is impacting us, and what Jacob was in our lives and the way things used to be one way but then became so different and now… different still.
We very frequently disagreed with one another but I loved him. I loved him and I looked up to him so much as a kid and it’s very painful, surprisingly painful, but I feel safe now because I am going home to be with my family.
Thank you so much for all your kind words. You have helped me through a very foreign and surreal experience and I am learning to find my way through it. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future but in this moment, at least, I have my family and we are going to find our way through this together.
This makes me smile. No more profound words could be said. It’s all about family, isn’t it? Family isn’t necessarily blood relation either. I have “sisters” that are closer to me than many of my blood relatives. Good for you, Christy. Hang in there with your family and let us know how it goes.
Oh, this is awful to hear, I’m so very sorry for your family. Take care of each other, you’re on the right track even though you didn’t realize you knew what to do already.
Call or PM if you need anything, at all.
I’m sorry for your loss, Olives.
Just thought I’d update.
Monday we broke the news to my schizophrenic uncle, who took it the way a little kid would I guess, first crying, then getting distracted, then crying some more. Parts of it were kind of bad for personal reasons, but he was really happy to see me and my Mom… it had been a long time.
It was then my Grandpa told me that though the autopsy results were not back in, he’d been basically told my Uncle died of a drug overdose. My uncle’s 29-year-old sister got a call from him the night he died, asking if he could come over, and she said no in order to protect her kids from his drug use. Guess how she’s doing right now?
The funeral was Wednesday. I spent three straight days with my Grandmother and my cousins trying to get things taken care of for the funeral. Their house was trashed, and I tried to work on it, and also the mother of my uncle’s son, who had been MIA from drug rehab in Florida, came back unexpectedly planning on staying with my grandmother. My grandmother didn’t handle that too well, as they never got along and she’s part of the reason he was into drugs in the first place.
My grandma asked me to go through his things and get them out of his son’s room so that my cousin’s Mom wouldn’t take them. So I sorted through this trashed bedroom and got all his personal affects, including journals he’d written which were so self-hateful and violent and miserable that I ended up really losing my shit. It’s hard to be strong for others when they need you to be. Thank God my Aunt drove in from New York to keep us all sane.
Of course, it wouldn’t really be my family if there wasn’t a ton of drama, so the funeral was marked not only by an overwhelming number of people, but lots of hurt feelings, some screaming, a terrible fire-and-brimstone sermon, and watching my grandmother collapse into fresh tears every time a new person came up to talk to her. I will look back on that 3-4 hours as quite possibly one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life. It was pure hell.
Then yesterday, my Mom and I got into a fight. Why not? Miraculously, we managed to resolve the issue, but the pain of feeling all the old family drama resurge during this hellacious week was just too much.
So I’m home now, taking the rest of the week off to try to feel normal again. My husband is taking two half-days working from home, so he’s going to help me with this. And this weekend we’re going to see the Dalai Lama, which I would otherwise be completely ecstatic about. At the moment, though, I’m just hoping it helps make things feel normal again.
I got through yesterday for practically an entire half day without collapsing into tears, but then I spent the evening writing him a letter and poring through his MySpace searching for something… I don’t know what. He’s gone, and any chance I had to reach out to him is gone. Right now I feel nothing but regret – and still, shock. The one good thing this has brought me is closer to my bereaved Aunt… we’ve been chatting online to work through this and sharing more with one another than we have in years. Actually, there’s been other good things – my cousins, the children. It’s been so healing to take care of them.
I really do feel like I have lost a big brother. I never in one million years imagined how hard this would be. I’ve never been touched by death. Every time I cry I think, “Okay, that’s as bad as it’s going to get.” But then it just gets worse. 
However, the last two days have been better. So I went ahead and contradicted myself.
I’m really sorry for all the times I’ve let other people’s experiences with death fly right over my head. This changes everything forever.
On a more hopeful note, I want to share a beautiful quote I found which has been helping me to deal with this.
When I feel angry, I will accept it. Panic, terror, confusion, grief, jealousy, regret, sadness, irritation, relief, whatever – I’m just going to let it be. I know that nothing will make this situation worse than rejecting my own feelings, whatever they are. So it will be a learning experience. Thanks for listening.
All the people close to me who have died, have gone in very ‘quick, out of the blue’ fashion.
I know several people who have lost loved ones slowly over the course of years. They get to have those last moments with their loved ones but then again, it is really hard as well.
I still flash back to my brother’s funeral and think of things I wish I had said or music we played and that was back in '99.
You’ll probably never ‘get over it’ so much as you’ll ‘get used to it.’
Take it easy on yourself and those in your family too.
Sounds like you need another dose of internet hugs. I’m glad to hear you could support your family even though it sounds harrowing.
I hope that things go well for you this weekend.
It’s nice that you could be strong for you family when they needed you to be, especially your grandmother. Now it’s time for you to let other people be strong for you, if need be. Let yourself feel the way you do, and don’t worry about letting others take care of you a bit. I’m glad you got to reconnect with some of your family. Maybe you’ll be able to keep some of that connection with the ones you want. Above all, be gentle with yourself and let time do its work. In the meantime, we’re here, and lots of good thoughts are going out to you. I hope seeing the Dalai Lama will help. I know you’ve been looking forward to it.
{{{olivesmarch4th}}}
olive you did the best that anybody could.
And we’re here for you.
Olives, what a heart-wrenching time. You stood up for your family when it was very hard, you should be proud of yourself.
At times like this I think of my favorite translation of the Kaddish “May the father of peace bring peace to all who mourn. Amen.”
Peace to you and yours, Olives. And hugs from the Typo/Zappa family.
I’m glad you updated Olives. I’ve been wondering how you’re doing. It sounds like it’s been Hell, but you’ve gotten through it and honestly, it sounds as though the worst is past.
My condolences, olives. Take it easy and take extra good care of yourself for a while, as much as you can. Grief can really do a number on one’s physical well-being, not to mention emotional.
Take care, Olives It’s never easy to loose someone that you love, but it sounds like you are doing as well as you can. Family drama is tons of fun, in’it? HUG
Take comfort in having a close family. An aunt of mine died a day or two before her 90th birthday last year, and no one thought to send me word for five months.