My Uncle Died

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I just got the call from his mother, my grandmother.

He was 31, and nobody knows why but he was found by a friend slumped over a chair early this morning.

The best way I can describe him is as an estranged older brother. We grew up together, oftentimes living in the same household, and fought constantly. He was the sort of person that could make you laugh and feel pissed off at the same time. My childhood is absolutely filled with memories of trying to impress him and his older friends (and failing.) He’s always struggled behaviorally, even as a child, but as he got older it became a deep depression and drug addiction. That actually softened my feelings about him a lot, because I can relate to depression and saw how his pain motivated his actions. Over the last several years we’ve really only seen one another a few times a year, hence ‘‘estranged’’ … but still, he’s a big part of me in a weird way.

I have never had anybody die before so I’m not really sure how to handle it. Am I supposed to send a condolence card even if I spend several days with my family in support? I wasn’t even sure who I’m supposed to talk about it with, and when. I’m really confused and very un-expert at this. I wanted to drive to see my grandmother immediately, but she didn’t want me driving in the dark. She said tomorrow will be more difficult because she has to go to the funeral home.

This is an absolute shock. When she got on the phone I thought she was going to tell me my grandfather has passed. I am extremely close to both of my grandparents, they are for all intents and purposes the people who raised me and gave me unconditional love. My grandmother is a self-sacrificing saint who suffers from fibromyalgia and is in pain and depression every day. She was very, VERY close to her son – at times the only one who would defend him. This I can honestly say is the worst possible thing that could happen to her. Even from the bottomless pit of her grief she said to me, ‘‘You have no idea what a blessing you are to me and your grandfather. You will never be able to imagine.’’ That is what an amazing person she is, she is ALWAYS thinking of other people. I am getting all emotional just thinking about this again.

He leaves behind two children aged 8 and 6. My grandparents will be raising my cousin Nick from now on. In a way, they already were. You couldn’t fathom the trauma that child has gone through. Nobody even knows where his mother is right now – she lost custody of him when she disappeared from a drug rehab clinic. Grandma said the hardest thing was telling him – he thought she was playing a trick on him. My heart hurts for them both right now. And for my Aunt, who is 30 and was also very close to him. It’s so hard to know so many of the people you love are in such pain and be unable to do anything about it.

I’ve talked to my Mom and Grandma and they seem safe for the night, so I guess we’re just sitting tight until tomorrow. I’m sorry for babbling. I really don’t know what I should be doing right now. I’m lucky I lived to be 25 before experiencing a death but it really has come as such a tremendous shock. We are moving out of state this August and I really didn’t want to abandon my grandmother in the first place, but now I just can’t fathom it.

Thanks for listening,
Christy

2

I’m sorry for your loss. Sending supporting thoughts your way.

3

I’m sorry for your family’s loss.

I’m of the opinion that there is no “right” way to respond to grief; there are no rules of what you should do. Your feelings, and those of your family, will come, and they will be natural, so nobody has to apologize for how they react (some will cry. For other’s, crying won’t come readily. For both, it’s perfectly acceptable).

One piece of etiquette I have heard, though, would be to send a food basket to your grandparents (or bring it with you when you go to visit). They will be stressed and distracted, and it will be much appreciated for you to provide them sustenance. Plus, food is, IMO, life-affirming (you have to eat to live). Just an idea.

4

To coin a friend who got sick of “I’m sorry for your loss”

Well that just sucks, don’t it.

I wish I had some pearls of wisdom to offer since I’m going through something similar but there’s not much I can say.

I wouldn’t worry too much about the “rules” of grieving. Don’t think they exist anyway. My advice is just be with your family and remember the good times. Do what comes natural. And if you ever want to talk I’d like to listen.

((((olivesmarch4th))))

5

I am sorry for your loss Christy. That is really sad that he died so young.

It never hurts to send the card, but the important thing is if you can help them out in the next few days. I imagine there will be a lot of work setting up the funeral and wake. The more that you can do to help your Grandmother with the arrangements, the better it would usually be.

I am sure it will be a great help that you will be with her for the next few days.

Jim

6

I’m so sad to read this. I’m sure it will be a great comfort to your grandmother if you can just be there to help out. Bringing food is always good, or going out to get whatever is needed. As for the card, I’d do whatever feels right. If you think your grandparents would appreciate a card, then send/give them one; if not, then don’t (or send one later after everything’s quieted down).

Lots of good thoughts headed your way.

GT

7

Oh, Olives, I’m so sorry. Early deaths are never easy.
Atomicktom is right on, though. There really isn’t a protocol for close family when something like this happens. It’s all just fly by the seat of your pants. My guess would be to make yourself physically available and emotionally open to your grandmother and close family. That’s what I did for my Dad when my stepmom died. That was worth more to him than anything.
Food is always good, too. Of course, I come from big eaters, so that’s a given.
((Olivesmarch4th))
If you want to talk, I’m here for a pm.

8

I always stay out of ‘‘my _______ died’’ threads because I had no experience or wisdom to impart, but I did read about what happened to your friend Faith and all the difficult times you’ve been having and wanted you to know you’ve been in my thoughts. It means a lot you would come in here so raw from your own grief.

I talked to my boss, he was very understanding having recently suffered a loss of his own. It’s weird because in one instant you think of the past, the present, and the future and it can feel kind of overwhelming. But it will be okay.

9

olives – no advice here, since as you may remember, the only way I know how to deal with the death of someone who means a great deal to me is “very poorly.” I’m especially bad when that ‘someone’ is too too young and the death is completely unexpected.

Unfortunately, I also happen to deal with the deaths of other people’s loved ones poorly and the best way I can think of to word my condolences to is unfortunately a cliche: you’re my favorite poster on this board and so I’m very, very sorry for your loss. I know you’re a tough cookie and you’ll think of a way to deal with this positively. I hope your heart stops hurting very soon and I will definitely be keeping you and your cousins and other family members in my thoughts, in the hopes that my good thoughts being sent out into your general direction will make dealing with the death easier for everyone who is grieving.

rae

10

I’m so sorry. Death sucks. There’s good advice up thread - take care of your family and yourself, don’t worry about protocol.

I’d say you don’t have to bring food. Food gifts are to saved the bereaved the trouble of preparing meals. Just be there for your family as best as you can, now and in the long term.

Supportive hugs beamed your way from the Typo/Zappa family.

11

I’m so sorry. I can’t say anything to ease your pain, but know that I’m thinking of you and your family, sending good thoughts your way.

As for what you can do, just be there, talk, listen, give hugs, and maybe run the little errands that always come up. The nicest thing my husband did for me when my mom died was to make some phone calls, so I didn’t have to tell people. When my dad died, some years before that, my siblings and I tried to take care of some of the details so Mom wouldn’t have to deal with them. It really is a thing you play by ear.

Don’t be surprised if your young cousin doesn’t react the way anybody expects. Kids sometimes have a little trouble figuring out just what the whole thing means, and they don’t have traditions and duties to fall back on.

Again, my thoughts are with you. Drive carefully.

12

My condolences on your loss. There really is no protocol on what to do. The best thing you can do is be there for your family emotionally. Crying seems to help, so if you feel like it do so.

You may take food for the family but it isn’t a requirement and different families and cultures do different things.

13

Olive, I also stay out of the death threads, because I don’t deal with the subject well. I also don’t think the ‘right thing to do’ rules are much good. Your grandparents will remember your being there, not any card or specific words. In actual cases of emotional trauma or grief, I try to fade into the background and be of vague utility. Afterwards, I’m thanked for what a big help I was. ( I was? I mostly trying to stay out of the way.) This tactic doesn’t translate electronically, but go with what feels right, and you’ll come through.

Let me know if I can help. I’ll be over there…

14

Christy,
I am so sorry for your loss. I avoid these types of threads for the same reason as you. I never know what to say or do, and I am trained in grief. I wish you the best. If you need to talk you can PM me. All I can offer is you will get through this and there are many of us here for you.

SSG Schwartz

15

Just adding my support, olives. I can;t say anything that hasn’t already been said better by others in this thread.

16

Te acompaño en el sentimiento (I share your feelings) is a line that always struck me as idiotic, until Dad died. The feelings are complicated and, as Atomictom said, there’s no right way to deal with mourning.

The etiquette way says not to send a card since you’re going in person, cards are for those who can’t go.

17

olivesmarch4th–I am sorry for your troubles.

First, you are family. Therefore, the only thing you need to do is hug the stuffings out of the people who loved him, & perhaps help with cooking & cleaning of those too stunned to do it themselves.

18

{{{olives}}}

19

Hey Christy, I’m so sorry to hear this! Please take care of yourself and the rest of your fam. You (and all of yours) are in our thoughts over here.

-kev

20

I’m so sorry, Christy. There are no “rules”. The best thing you can do is be there emotionally and physically for your grandmother and family. Bring or prepare food. This is important because with everything that will be going on, no one will think about it. It’s much easier to have something there.

Run any errands that need to be completed. Offer to drive them anywhere they need if they need to complete the errand in person.

Mostly, just listen to the stories, feelings, etc of your grandparents. They will appreciate this more than you know.

Hugs.