There’s going to be a memorial service for my uncle the last weekend in August. Why not sooner? Because no one especially cares; no one was in crisis or in immediate need of support following his death. That was the first weekend all the surviving siblings could get together without changing their current summer schedules.
Sad as it is in it’s own way, I have to say I find the idea of such a conveniently scheduled funereal service strangely attractive. I will never have children, I may never be married, though I’m not completely severed from my family ties. Still, I’d hate for people to miss out on something the’d planned in advance because of an inevitable, though inconveniently timed, death.
His body was found yesterday. He was 65, apparently died of natural causes, but wasn’t found for an estimated 2 weeks after death (in Chicago).
I haven’t seen him in probably 30 years. He never married, never had kids, never even moved out of his parents’ house. In fact he lived his entire life in that one house. He was the family recluse: once his mom (my grandmother) died, he pretty much cut off communications with the whole family, and apparently everyone else on earth. The Chicago police had to search his house pretty extensively, they said, to find ONE phone number (one of my cousins).
He didn’t attend the funeral of my mom (his sister), nor any other family funerals in the past 20 years. None of his siblings like him. None of his nieces or nephews know him. He’s going to be cremated, and his ashes buried in his parents already existing side-by-side graves – I didn’t know you could do this (odd detail – it costs about $500).
wow. how utterly amazing. he made himself an island unto himself.
this is a bit unnerving for me. i’ve lived in the same house, same room all of my life so far. not married, no kids. hhhhmmm.
i’m sorry for the passing of your uncle. it is sad that none of you knew him and that he didn’t try to know y’all. i’m glad that his siblings will have a memorial service for him.
I can only hope that when I die, and if I do it alone (most likely), that it isn’t in summer, that I’m found before 2 weeks have gone by, and that whoever is left t’ carry on goes for the discount body disposal deal.
Must remember to ask the lawyers to add that as a note in th’ will.
How sad to die so utterly alone. It sounds as if he was all but dead to the rest of the family for years anyway. Does anyone know why he broke all ties? Sorry if that’s too nosy a question. I just can’t imagine becoming so reclusive.
On the other hand, I agree with you about not wanting to inconvenience people for a funeral. I just as soon have my remains given to a med school that wants to study a woman with half her innards removed, and then later have anyone who misses me get together for a party to say nice things about me. No muss, no fuss.
I don’t know. My own dad (who died in January) cut us off from most of our family (his and my mom’s siblings) when we were kids. He was always getting into arguements, storming off in a huff, and never renewing contacts. Our generation of cousins has been getting back in touch over the last twn years or so, due mostly to funerals of the older folks. :rolleyes: Even so, it led to some good things. We organized a reunion for the 5 brothers on my dad’s side last summer. It was the first time they’d been in the same place since my grandmother’s funeral in 1978. And since last summer, 3 of the 5 have either died or been immobilized by illness, so I’m REALLY glad we did it.
And when we were kids, the older generation never alked to us about their problems with each other. Maybe I’ll learn something more at the memorial service,
All I know about him was that he was an auto mechanic who retired a couple of years ago. He had some kind of chronic “heart condition” for many years, but whatever it was, it wasn’t enough to prevent him from working.
Some places let you “double up” if the remains are cremated or if there is an infant’s casket. ie/ If both of my parents were cremated, they could share a single plot. My grandparents and great-grans all share headstones anyway, as would my parents so it wouldn’t seem odd.
Anyhoo… I have a cousin who is just as isolated. Or at least he will be when my aunt and uncle die. He lives with them. He has always lived in that house. Has no friends that anyone knows of. As far as anyone knows, he has never had a girlfriend (he’s mid-30s), not even the goofy, hand-holding kind in highschool. If by some miracle he answers the phone (he often won’t if he’s the only one home) he’ll only utter monosyllabic responses.
“Hi, is Uncle Anonymous there?”
“No.”
“Do you know when he’ll be back?”
“No.”
“Can you tell him is favourite niece called?
'Yeah.”
“Hope everything is good with you.”
“Mm.”
“Well, then talk to you later.”
“Yeah.”
“Bye now.”
“Mm.”
I dunno, not to be too Middle School about this, but the Silas Marner and Boo Radley aspects of this story can’t be overlooked.
For those Dopers who have responded by saying " I’m gonna wind up that way", etc- I’d ask you to stop and read this thread again.
To steal from my new fave movie, Minority Report, if you know what your future holds, why won’t you do something ot change it? Even if it cannot or does not include some miraculous reconnection with family, life doesn’t have to hold nothing but a future of desolation and isolation.
No person is an island. It takes a solitary act of humanity to bring any of us back into a community. Or, to introduce one of us to a new community. If you know someone who has created barriers, try to help them ease them down. If you are someone who has barriers up now, and see in this thread a bleak future, then do something.
I hadn’t thought of literary analogies for this. Now that I do, a couple of Beatles songs come to mind:
**ELEANOR RIGBY DIED IN THE CHURCH
AND WAS BURIED ALONG WITH HER NAME
NOBODY CAME
FATHER MCKENZIE WIPING THE DIRT FROM HIS HANDS
AS HE WALKS FROM THE GRAVE
NO ONE WAS SAVED
ALL THE LONELY PEOPLE…**
And:
**HE´S A REAL NOWHERE MAN
SITTING IN HIS NOWHERE LAND
MAKING ALL HIS NOWHERE PLANS FOR NOBODY
DOESN´T HAVE A POINT OF VIEW
KNOWS NOT WHERE HE´S GOING TO
ISN´T HE A BIT LIKE YOU AND ME**
Neidhart, I don’t know you and so to argue would be disingenuous to a degree. I will say this to you, a stranger- I’ll bet if you stepped outside of your self, and looked at the things you think about, or your career, or the hobbies you have, there is something you have inside you to offer to the community you live in. It could be ANYTHING- but it might very well be something that would connect you to people you are not related to.
I mean no offense by this, merely a supportive suggestion.
Is it worth 10 minutes to try to do that? I’d bet it is.
yojimboguy, I’m sorry for your loss. When I was fifteen, I lost my paternal grandmother, who I’d barely known. She lived about an hour’s drive away from my family, but for various reasons, I’d only ever seen her for a few hours, once a year all my life. It was hard for me to know how to react. Now I just feel sorry I lost the opportunity to know her.
All these posts have made me think of my own family, and how lucky I am that we’ve stayed so close. Surely it’s worth making an effort with the people who are close to you, and putting up with their faults and peculiarities, so that you can support each other, and not end up alone. The more I think about it, the more I think other people - our families and friends - are the best and most important thing any of us can hold onto.
OTOH, I DO know you, Neidhart, and I know that there’s no need for you to be alone when you do head into the twilight. You’re smart, alert, and have a lot of intelligent commentary to offer. I could easily see you sitting about with the other gaffers in your declining years, playing dominoes or checkers, commenting on the sad state of the world and offering advice to the young whippersnappers. All you’d need is a general store, and you’d be an instant community icon.
I’d bet it is.