My wife and I just had our first post-honeymoon argument. Opinions, please.

In My Humble Opinion
21

Even if she drops out now and gets a job, usually you have to work for a while before benefits kick in. 3 months is typical, so you would still be working at your job for a while if the objective here is to keep medical benefits going.

There is no “right” solution here, you two need to learn how to discuss your options together and come to a solution that is ok with both of you. Neither one of you should play martyr, be careful that you are not doing that. The goal is to get both of you what you want. No one wants to be the source of their spouse’s misery - would you want her to work in a job she detests for you? How would you feel when she came home miserable every day? Imagine the roles were reversed. The spouse who has the horrible job can’t complain about it to the other, because that makes them feel guilty for putting them in that situation. The one who is benefiting can’t ever complain either, lest it turn into a “you think you have it bad? What about me…” situation.

Try coming up with a solution that has a definite timeline on it. Say, you will work in this job but only for X more months while you continue to look for something else that you like better. If you can’t find something in that time, she will get a job. Or something like that. I think you will both feel better if you just have a plan in place that makes you feel like you are getting somewhere, not stuck in this job indefinitely.

22

One thing to add - have you considered looking for a better job before you quit? I think it is easier to get a job if you have one already. Definitely get out, but making progress in doing so might improve your disposition.

23

  1. Is there anything stopping you from looking for another job right now? Obviously you wouldn’t be able to put as much time into it as you would if you quit first, but you may very well find something else without too much trouble. And it will probably make you feel better because you are taking a positive action to get out of the situation you are in.

  2. Your wife can help by getting a part-time job. She can work and go to school - it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. As a full-time student, she should be able to get some sort of health insurance and/or prescription assistance through the school too.

Sit down and discuss the options. Decide something together. That will allow you to both have a stake in the direction you take.

24

[QUOTE=Cat Fight]
This sounds like one of those fights where you’re both ‘right’- or at least your hearts are in the right place.
[/QUOTE]
I agree. And arguments like this escalate, typically, because one person or the other (or both) feels as if the other person isn’t entirely acknowledging this fact, that they want to do the right thing, that they want to make the sacrifice.

Have you said, explicitly and at length: “You’re absolutely right, you want to contribute to the marriage, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that and how much it makes me love you even more,” as part of articulating your position? Even if you follow it up with, “Nevertheless, I believe that in this situation it’s better that you push forward with your degree and get a leg up, and that I knuckle down in the short term and put up with my job in order to make it possible for you to do that, because in the long run that’s best for both of us,” you have to start with the profuse recognition and appreciation. And you have to mean it, too, and not do it with a sense of manipulation or condescension; otherwise, yeah, you are infantilizing her.

The thing is, it seems to me that there’s a compromise here, something to the effect of, “Dear, you have a few more months to go, I’ve been working for years, I can tough it out for a little longer, and then when you’re ready to enter the job market, I promise I will quit and take a few months off and let you be the sole breadwinner while I reassemble my head.” AKA, it’s a problem we have together, we need to solve it together.

And even if that compromise doesn’t turn out to be acceptable, the important part is, it at least has the advantage of being offered in the spirit of acknowledging the fact that she’s an adult and she wants to hold up her end of the marriage. Whatever you do, you can’t lose sight of that.

25

What’s a “relay operator”?

IMHO, I think you ought to look long-term at this: School for your wife is an investment in both of your futures. Sadly, part of the “investment” also includes time spent, by you, at a job you don’t like.

Not wanting to get into some deep discussion about depression, mental states, and etc, you should try to learn how to not take your work baggage home with you. That’s the optimal solution.

And/Or try to find another job. Or hone your writing skills even more, so you can have breakaway Stephen King-like success. :smiley:

Again, all this is IMHO. YMMV.

26

Yeah, I’m another one ignorant of the nature of relay operation.

But from your OP you sounded to me like somewhat of a baby. You took on this somewhat undesireable job for specific reasons - to bring in cash and bennies while your wife completed school. But because you find it boring, you are whinging around the house, taking longer to get out the door each day and then bringing the work home with you.

In my book, that is YOUR fault, not the job’s. You aren’t the first person to take a job they don’t love to put smeone through school, provide bennies, what have you. As you no doubt have realized, there seems to be a shortage of potential employers willing to toss tons of cash at folks to do exciting, fun, rewarding jobs.

Don’t quit until you have something else as good or better. Otherwise, suck it up for 4 more years until she gets her degree. And quit being such a baby.

27

[QUOTE=Scarlett67]
I’ve more than paid back my “debt” to him.
[/QUOTE]

I had been making more money than Mr. Neville for the past four years of our marriage. And I still felt shitty for not being able to contribute to our marriage in the couple of months I was between jobs. It’s not entirely a rational thing, and what Skald’s wife is feeling may be something similar.

Going to college for the first time is scary, too, especially if you’re not one of those people who automatically think they can do every new thing they try (do they actually exist?). She may be toying with thoughts of ditching it to go back to doing something she knows she can do. Or she may just be feeling dumber than her classmates. Asking her about how things are going at school and how she’s feeling about the whole experience wouldn’t be a bad idea. Skald may think she’s brilliant, and she may even be brilliant, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she feels like she’s brilliant.

28

You kids are so cute.

A telephone relay operator is a person who facilitates telephone communication for the hearing impaired. They have to type what they hear from one end and read what is typed from the other. I assume this is what the OP is talking about.

But I really think you should both save your (mutual) desire to sacrifice yourselves on the altar of the other until you really need it. That day does come. No point in using it up now.

She can look into insurance/medical care options for married students, which are likely to exist but have to be closely asked about. She can also work and go to school at the same time, she would hardly be the first ever. Any job she gets for a semester or two is unlikely to solve the insurance problem anyway.

You can look for a new job you don’t hate without quitting the one you do hate. And you can try to manage your moods more carefully, you are by no means the first either.

You can both try very hard to start analyzing your problems in terms of what we want for us in the long term instead of what each of you wants for/from the other in the short term. This cuts down very greatly on foolish guilt related issues.

29

I am pretty sure by “relay operator” he is referring to taking calls from the deaf. The operator types back and forth with the deaf person then verbally relays that side of the conversation to the other end. Yeah, I can see where that is soul-numbing as I take calls from relay operators all the time working in customer service. (and I bet you hate hearing the words “Go Ahead”)

So if you are a relay operator you work in a call center, right? And I know there are alot of call centers in the world, I’ve worked at half of them myself it feels like. Just saying that maybe there is a less soul-numbing call center job out there in your city that will offer the same, similar or even better benefits than you have now.

Or since it sounds like the main concern is the benefits are you now working full time or part time? Can you reduce hours or even take a leave of absence to try to regain some of your soul?

I’m sure you’ve covered all of this, just things that came to mind reading the OP.

Good luck to you…I am in the same type of situation with my SO right now, where one of us (ME) is the main bread winner…he is supportive of me and I of him but it is difficult all the way around.

30

[QUOTE=Carson O’Genic]
No comment on the apparent topic of your argument.You say,“first post-honeymoon argument”.
Is it the first argument,ever?
Views given upon answer.
[/QUOTE]

I added “post honeymoon” because we’ve had arguments beore.

31

[QUOTE=Dinsdale]
Yeah, I’m another one ignorant of the nature of relay operation.

But from your OP you sounded to me like somewhat of a baby. You took on this somewhat undesireable job for specific reasons - to bring in cash and bennies while your wife completed school. But because you find it boring, you are whinging around the house, taking longer to get out the door each day and then bringing the work home with you.
[/quote]

Oh, the job isn’t boring. The problem with the job is that it regularly requires me to engage in activities I find immoral, and that disturbs my conscience. I can’t escape the fact that, to be “ethical” by TRS’s rules requires me to abet immoral acts on a regular basis, which is why I am looking for another job.

You can keep your personal attacks to yourself, by the way.

32

I think you should suck it up and sell your watch.

33

[QUOTE=Tenebras]
I think you should suck it up and sell your watch.
[/QUOTE]

There will be a place for you in the Official Snarkery Office when I am god-king. :slight_smile:

34

I can see where she’s coming from. You have a problem, she wants to help you, and what she’s hearing is, “I don’t want your help.” It’s tough to feel like you’re not pulling your own weight in a marriage, and I imagine it’s that much harder if you feel like your partner doesn’t even want you to pull that weight.

What is she studying? Is it something like accounting, where the sooner she finishes school, the higher your household income will ultimately be? Or is it something like history, which is fun and enriching, but not particularly tied to future income? (I say this as someone with an MA in history.) Lots of folks work and go to school part-time. Why shouldn’t she do that? It sounds as though she prioritizes her spouse over her schooling, which, IMO, is as it should be.

35

I haven’t read more than a line or two of the OP. I have been with my wife for nearly a decade, and I don’t need to read the whole thing.

You were wrong.

At least, if you’re asking for advice on how to navigate this with the greatest likelihood of paving the way toward peace in the near future, that’s how you should play it, regardless of what you may or may not actually think.

36

First, I’d say with an older/younger relationship the issue of feeling treated like a child, etc. is going to come up and the converse – whatever that is – by the older.

But beyond that and specifically, I suggest you quit your job, get another one that you can handle better but is part time and lets you focus on your writing more without totally disengaging from the “real/boring” world of a regular job; and use that part time job’s money to buy your own health insurance (I do that, and it’s not prohibitively expensive).

To the extent that doing so would mean having less money all the way around with the PT job, then you’d both be sacrificing together in the resulting less money.

And you’d still have your meds.

37

Being more of a practical person, I would tell my wife that I am going to find another job. Give me 6 months to look. If at the end of 6 months I haven’t found something I like more then we’ll revisit the issue.

38

Why not keep this job until you find another job? Then, when it is time to change over, if you are going to have a gap in insurance coverage, have your wife get a part-time job (while still going to school) to help cover the cost of COBRA.

39

Well said Q.N. Jones. I should have included that in my post but for me it’s self-evident. Never quit your job until you have another job.

40

Now I’m curious about the amoral acts you must aid and abet in.

Any details?