Sure, after I’m done with my current research. I wrote “immoral,” though.
Is there any other way for her to pay for school? Student loan, line of credit, little help from the parents? If she’s only 20 or 21, then she is surrounded by people who have found ways to pay that (most likely) don’t involve their older husband paying for them.
Please don’t take the above as snark, it’s just that I’m in college myself, and I can’t think of a single young person I know who has a money source like that, but there are always ways.
I let this post sit from before I went to dinner, so I don’t know if the thread has advanced. But I feel Velma had some real insight - if you stay in your respective situations, a time limit is a fantastic idea. It makes it more bearable for both of you. Also, HelloKitty pointed out that not all relay centers are alike - I had a friend who did that job for a while and it wasn’t bad at all, she made tons of friends and seemed to enjoy it.
ETA - when my friend did the same job, they had extensive training on how to deal with stuff like phone sex without laughing! And to continue with the above theme, aren’t there some combs she’d love to put in her long, flowing hair? 'Cause 'tis the season and all.
Exactamundo. And really, though others have pointed out that your age difference is probably a factor, here, to me that ain’t necessarily so. She could be exactly three days *older * than you and it would still sting to have a partner who doesn’t seem to want her help (yet insists on helping her). I’ve seen this dynamic play out in friendships, in work relationships, you name it. It’s never good. But it’s probably worst in a marriage.
That’s not to say you’re wrong; as so many others have pointed out, your heart’s in the right place. But just as it won’t kill YOU to keep getting your soul sucked out, it won’t kill HER to miss a semester of school, especially since she nearly missed out on school altogether.
And BTW, now that I know what a relay operator is, it actually sounds kind of interesting to me. But I guess maybe I’m imagining really juicy conversations . . .
<<Gratituitious sarcasm deleted in obeisance of the OP’s request>>
Seriously though, with the age difference (I know you are probably getting tired of hearing that one) I have to agree that it is something that is going to come up from time to time.
It could be “You’re treating me like a child”
Or it could be “You’re acting like a child”
There are three ways we communicate:
Adult to Adult
Inner Child to Inner Parent
Inner Parent to Inner Child
When you hear a “You’re treating me like a child.” you must be able to recognise that this is her inner child rejecting your inner parent. It is important at that point to not be drawn into being the inner parent.
Keep your cool, maintain your adulthood, and approach things as Adult to Adult.
As for the school vs. sucky job issue, you have to make the decision that is best for you and she has to make the decision that is best for her. If you each do this then the decisions you make will, in the long run, be the best for the relationship.
If she leaves school (or goes to adult school or part time school) to help with insurance and finances she can always go back later (I went back at 38). If she stays she has an increased chance of securing a nice job with decent benefits so this is a win-win situation.
If you leave the sucky job for a better one you will both feel better, there is more to life than earning money or benifits in a job you hate. If you stick around for a while and tough it out there could be a brighter future for both of you after she graduates. So this could be a win-win situation as well.
Keep your perspective and patience and good luck to you both.
Waits with baited breath…
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Don’t full-time students get the benefit of Health Services, where they can pay next-to-nothing for medical care, prescriptions, etc?
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Did you have this 2nd job, to provide your own health care insurance, before you got married? It seems to me that regardless of whether you are married or single, you’d need to have health care insurance.
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I always thought it was “infanticizing” not “infantilizing” but now that I think about it, the former, if it was actually a word, would have a much more sinister meaning than the latter.
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The best marriages, IMO, are balanced. Given that Skald is older than his bride and already has an established job, his own home and car and 401k (one hopes), there is an imbalance already. That probably hurts Mrs. Skald’s pride and she wants to do something to equalize things. That is a good thing. Lord knows we’ve all read other Dopers’ horror stories of spouses who are content to be freeloaders.
So I can definitely get why Mrs. Skald wants to leave school and get a job. However, IMO, quitting school now would be taking a huge step backward for her, and their marriage. It’s well documented that people who lack college degrees do not earn as much as people who do. Armed only with a high school diploma, her career path would be very limited. There are no children to take care of now. And there will be no better time for her to concentrate on her education. “Quit now and return later” is much easier said than done and I have plenty of friends who took that route and never returned.
NOW is precisely the time where they should be focusing on getting her through college, because if something should happen to Skald (either death, disability or divorce), *she will be able to take care of herself. * Being able to take care of oneself is essential for her, and essential IMO for a healthy, balanced marriage.
My advice? Skald needs to either suck it up and quit complaining about his current job, or get a new one. Mrs. Skald needs to find out if she is eligible for the student health insurance plan at her university. And she needs to get a part-time job if it will help restore some of the imbalance in the relationship. But quit school? No way.
BTW, my company allows part-time employees to buy into the health insurance plan at a discounted corporate rate (currently $500 for family plan) if the spouse is not eligible for health insurance or does not work. I’d imagine most of the larger corporations offer something similar and it may be a way to kill two birds with one stone.
This is a really, really good point.
Of course they exist. I’m one of them! 
It’s not that I think I can do every new thing I try, it’s that I take it as a matter of faith that, if I try something new, I will eventually be able to do it. In other words, my position is “I am capable and I am able to succeed”. Now, obviously there are physical and practical limits to it (yes, I’ll make money out of thin air!), but I don’t concern myself with them.
Now then, the topic at hand. I would be insulted if an SO said something similar to me. This part, specifically: I don’t want her losing momentum. She’s brilliant, and she belongs in school.
My gut reaction is “Who the hell are you to tell me what I’m able to do? I’ll decide on my own whether or not I’ll ‘lose momentum’.” and “The only place I ‘belong’ is where I want to be.”
In other words, both of those statements seem, to me, like you’re disregarding my desires in favor of your own. You think I belong in school. You think I can’t take a semester off without ‘losing momentum’. Both of those are your opinions of my abilities, and neither of them say you think I can handle the problems that could result.
Skald, not to criticize but it sounds like she is right. These are things my Mother said about me when I was her age. You are treating her as if she were your daughter not your wife (at least in this instance). If she is adult enough to be married then she is adult enough to decide for herself what she needs to do.
She is being proactive in trying to keep you and your relationship together happy and healthy. It sounds like she is simply trying to be good wife - let her.
I hate being the first post on the second page, so I hope someone gets in before me…but…
Having been without health benefits before, when my children were younger, I can tell you that if your wife thinks you are depressed and moody now, tell her to wait until you quit your job, she drops out of chool and picks up some part-time, barely over minimum wage job without any benefits (because believe me, companies will do anything possible to not hire people they would have to pay bennies to) and one of you trips and falls and breaks something…or gets assaulted like my son and incurs $40,000 worth of bills for a relatively minor injury. You want to see depressed? She’ll see depressed then! I remember still the soul-crushing despair of not being able to take my child in to the doctor to see if they really had a broken nose or just a bruise, because we simply did not have the cash, the insurance, or the ability to pay future bills. So have her think about how she would feel if you weren’t selling any writing, she’s barely covering the bills and the choice is buy the medicine at full-price or suffer long-term harm by not taking it.
You two need to sit down and discuss the financial repurcussions of each choice…she isn’t talking about dropping out mid-semester and losing all the money she’s paid for these classes, is she? And you need to start looking for a new job, before quitting your old one. So much easier to get hired when you are employed. And I also think you need to suck it up a bit in the attitude department so that she doesn’t get depressed and distracted by your moping. Mope after you leave the house. Tell the deaf people you won’t arrange anymore heroin deals or whatever it is that they are asking you to do that is immoral. And remember that sometimes, as adults, we do things we don’t like to do in order to attain a greater good…like staying healthy and medicated and fed.
I’ve been thinking about this. The problem is not what you want (your wife to stay in school), but how you’re talking about it (“You belong in college. I don’t want you to lose motivation"), which does sound patronizing. If I were your wife, I would find it much more palatable if you phrased it as, “We can reach our shared goals (buying a house, traveling, moving to X city, whatever) that much more quickly if you can finish school in 4 years.” Thinking of the situation like that treats your wife as an equal partner who is contributing to your marriage by finishing college quickly, rather than as a brilliant child whom you want to put through school.
And if your wife, for the sake of her pride, needs to get a job and contribute to the household income, be supportive and gracious. She’s a grown woman, and it’s her choice to make.
Sorry I misinterpreted “soul-numbing” as boring. I guess we’d need to know the specific acts you term “immoral” to express any informed opinion of your assessment.
And I wasn’t making any personal attack. Sorry that I lack your awesome vocabulary, but when I read your OP my strong impression was “What a baby!” You sound immature and unwilling to grow up and face the fact that if you want to do “grown-up” things like being married, having reliable health coverage, and maintaining a decent home/lifestyle, you might actually need to make some sacrifices such as working at a job you aren’t thrilled with because that is what someone is willing to pay you to do.
When you whine about “taking … longer and longer to get out the door each morning”, you sound like an unrealistic child, rather than a mature adult. You sound as tho you are acting out for whatever reason, whether you want some responsible adult to “make everything better”, are essentially taking it out on your wife, or any number of other undesireable motivations whether conscious or sub.
You asked for opinions, and that is mine. Either do something about your situation, or quit whining.
The problems most relay operators have, have to do with the fact that all they are allowed to do is relay.
So if a person, say via Internet call, is running one of the many versions of the Nigerian lotto scam, (or some other fraud) there is nothing a relay operator can do but relay that call and thereby become a participant in the scam. There are no long distance charges for Internet Relay – so a lot of these people are not hearing impaired at all, there is as far as I know no control on it.
There have also been problems with obscene phone calls being made by Internet Relay.
I’ll third this. You do sound like you’re trying to be her parent when you say “She’s brilliant and belongs in school”.
It’s not your job to figure out what she should do with her life- it’s hers. It’s not your job to figure out how to best develop and use her brilliance- again, that’s her job and her choice.
She does need to consider how her life choices affect you as her spouse, but you don’t get to tell her what to do. You don’t get to tell another adult what to do unless they’ve asked you or you’re paying them. You’re not paying her (even if you are supporting her- there’s a difference, and there’s a difference between supporting a spouse and supporting a child).
Oh, and don’t tell her how she owes it to herself or everybody else to make something of herself because she’s so brilliant. You don’t want to know how uncertain and bitter that sort of thing can make someone later on, when they get a job that pays well but they wonder if they owe it to themselves or to society to do something less mundane because they’re so brilliant…
You need to suck it up and stop being such a mope when you get home. Let her finish school and then find a kick-ass job that supports you both. You can then look back on this period of your lives with fondness when she is changing your diaper.
My heart goes out to you, Skald – I had a job just like yours once (customer service in a call center.) I spent my entire day waiting for time to pass.
Here’s how I got through it:
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I found a hobby I could pursue that I really enjoyed (you could substitute your other job) and used it to relieve the stress of the job I hated.
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I posted a photo of my wife, our house and our dogs in my cubicle, to remind me every minute of why I was where I was.
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I talked with my supervisor; although she was unable to make the job any less onerous, she did a lot to keep my spirits up. She constantly reminded me how good I was at the job (I was, but let’s face it, it didn’t take gobs of skill!) and how much my efforts were appreciated. It really did make a difference.
I don’t know if this is in any way helpful, but there it is.
I’ve come to this a little late, but I followed your posts a while ago, about an older woman (well, woman your age) you were sort of interested in, and a barrista who was much younger (but according to you, old for her age). Is this the same girl?
The posts which amount to “quit your whining, sucky jobs with benefits are part of being a grown up” really irritate me for some reason. Note: Some of these posts are more nuanced than that, some of them aren’t. But since Skald seems willing to believe that working this job won’t kill him, and his wife is the one urging him to quit, it bugs me.
Sadly, I lack better/alternate advice.
But, Skald, if you haven’t read olivesmarch4th’s thread about her threatened breakdown, I suggest you do so.
In it, Olives is given some advice about separating her job from her non-job life, reducing stress, and encouragement to quit the job to protect her mental health.
Now, granted, your circumstances are probably as different as can be, beyond the sucky job which pays well/provides good benefits part. But it is a different perspective on one of the issues being discussed in this thread. Chiefly, is there a job so sucky that the pay/benefits deal does not adequately compensate the worker for the suckiness of working the job?
Well, whining isn’t part of being a grownup. A grownup would do something other than whine.
- Find a different job that is less sucky and offers benefits.
- Seperate work from life and - yep, suck it up.
- Quit and decide ‘you know what, I’m a content and happy person without that medication for my family.’
I’m not a fan of #3, myself, but I know people who are perfectly comfortable living with no benefits. However, it doesn’t sound like Skald is one of them, which means he or his wife need to do one of the first two.
My own two cents - Skald’s wife sounds like she’d be happier financially contributing. Have her start night school part time. There is no rush for someone who is apparently barely 20 years old to finish a degree in four years - and it doesn’t seem likely to happen if both of them are stressed out. If she can get a job with benefits, that would remove some of the stress from Skald. Meanwhile, Skald - if he hasn’t already - needs to start looking for employment that he doesn’t find soul damaging. Maybe turn his freelance writing into a salaried job. Or perhaps join a professional organization for freelancers (if one exists) that will allow him to purchase benefits and focus on the job that is giving him the majority of his income and job satisfaction.
I have a lot of friends who did the relay job. It isn’t a great one.
He does need to stop treating her like a child with potential and start treating her like an adult he is married to. If she chooses to live to her potential, that’s cool. If she wants to go back to barista work, that needs to be cool, too.