I am so sorry wmulax93. An almost identical thing happened to me an my wife about six weeks ago (down to the age of our first child being the same as yours) and it really does suck. We were reminded by our doctors that almost 1/4 of pregnancies in the first trimester end in miscarriage, and that it doesn’t mean anything is actually wrong, just that this one didn’t work out.
Be there for your wife, stay strong yourself, let yourself mourn a bit, and play with your little one as much as you can. It helps.
Here’s my experience w/ grieving a m/c; I pictured the baby as I’d been doing for the few weeks I knew of their existence, conjured up the hopes I had for their future and ours and told them all goodbye. Nowhere for a funeral for not much of a person yet but I needed to gather something to let go of. I lit a candle at the same time, it felt somehow right to have some ritualistic action.
Oh, there was sobbing. There will be sobbing. Try to avoid making plans around when the due date would have been if you can.
My best thoughts to you both as you navigate this new and painful place.
My wife had a miscarriage over Memorial Day weekend this year; it was the natural kind, not a D&C, but beyond the feelings of loss and grief, what made it especially awful was the fact that we knew it was coming after the sonogram & betas, but it took a couple of weeks.
She’ll be pretty torn up for a long while- to her, it’s the same as if she had the baby and it died, even if it doesn’t seem quite so real to you. Just be there for her; she’ll be pretty hormonal for a while afterward; it takes women’s bodies a while to get back to normal.
Stuff like this didn’t bother me much before I had a kid. Beyond, knowing and acknowledging that it sucked, it just didn’t seem all that real, or all that awful, to be honest. Now it’s just gut-wrenching. I’m so sorry, wmulax.
If your wife wants to remember your baby, wants to consider herself as mom to one on earth and one with wings this is very normal and should be honored. At the same time if she wants to be sad but let the idea of that baby go quickly and quietly that is very normal as well. My losses have gone both ways - there are some that I never think about and some that are still with me most days.
For many families, one of the hardest parts of having a miscarriage is that to you this is a major event where you’ve lost out on what was going to be a whole new area of your life…and after the first few days people you know will barely register it, and will never ask you about it or treat that baby as important.
If your wife wants to, please let her talk about the baby to you. Even if you think she is dwelling, or is obsessing, or is being repetitive, let her talk to you about it. If she is in the space of wanting to think and talk about the lost baby, you are the only one who will be willing to listen, and just having someone to hear and to talk about the lost baby as important and as really having happened and mattered can be helpful for many women who have had a miscarriage.
Finally I second the idea of the various online forums, both the ones for pregnancy and parenting that have miscarriage forums and the ones that are fully dedicated to loss. She’ll find a kind and empathetic sisterhood that wants to hear her story, and who can help her find guideposts through her grief.
My fiancee started bleeding yesterday around 5pm. She went to bed by doctors orders by 7, I took care of the house and our beautiful daughter that night and when our daughter went to bed I googled “I think my wife is having a miscarriage”… this blog came up, I read your experience… and I had the exact same thing happen to me.
We landed bleeding in the parking lot of her OBGYN, running to get into a room…bleeding the whole way we started crying…realizing this is a miscarriage. So many fucking thoughts go through my head thinking about this experience.
The doctor does his business, and then she faints and has a seizure, it is the saddest day in my life seeing her like that. I felt like an asshole just because she was going through everything and I couldn’t understand it.
We’re in the hospital right now, overnight… we both are just looking for normalcy.
My thoughts are with you. Although you feel isolated, as you can see by this thread, miscarriages are unfortunately not uncommon. You have a lot of support from people here and elsewhere.
Take care of yourself and your fiancee. You’re not alone.
Wmulax93- I didn’t see this thread until now. I’m so sorry for what you and Bgsufog are going through. More than a few people I am very close to have experienced miscarriages, and I know it is devastating. I feel like anything I say will just come off as lame in the face of so much pain, but all the same, I wish you both the strength to help your partners through this, and courage to get through your own grief.
Stay strong, bgsufog. My wife had a miscarriage a couple of years ago, fortunately not as physically traumatic as the above experience sounds, but it does hit hard. We were (very) lucky and had a beautiful baby girl just 10 months after the miscarriage (almost 10 weeks early).
As low as you are feeling at the moment, try to remember that the human body is a pretty clever piece of machinery, and in many cases a miscarriage is nature’s way of dealing with something not going right. Things will get brighter.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. In the two years since I originally posted this, my wife had a second miscarriage (much earlier in the pregnancy and much less traumatic), and then gave birth to our second daughter in June of this year.
The night of that first miscarriage is still one of the worst nights I’ve gone through. Seeing my wife like that and not knowing how to handle it was rough. It took a few weeks to snap out of the funk I was in after all of that.
Take care of yourself in all of this, too. Taking care of your fiancee is important, but you do her no good if you’re out of commission.
Also, welcome to our message board. I don’t post here often, but it’s a great place for getting relevant, coherent advice in times of need like this. People here are pretty level-headed and supportive, and it’s been a good place for me to get help for the past decade.
I’m so sorry, bgsufog. And sorry for your losses too **vmulax **- so glad you guys had a successful pregnancy in June.
I had several miscarriages when I was younger, three of which landed me in the ER. Very difficult, and many people don’t recognise it as a loss. But it is.
bgsufog, take care of yourself, your wife and your daughter. And welcome, this is a great, and very supportive, board.
Be understanding of yourselves if normalcy takes a while to settle back in, and if it’s not permanent.
We lost our first pregnancy in October, at 8 weeks. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through physically and emotionally. I’m mostly okay now, but sometimes something will trigger the sore spot in my heart and I’ll be down for a day or two. So far, the monthly anniversaries of the loss have been difficult. Maybe soon only the annual one, and the expected due date, will hurt.
See if the OB’s office offers counseling for miscarriage. It may not - mine didn’t. But ask around and get referrals to a counselor or support group if you need it.
It happened to us twenty years back. It was, of course, rough on my wife, but what I never anticipated was how rough it would be on me. Emotionally, I was a basket case.
When I was a teenager my grandmother told me she’d lost her first pregnancy, at about the first trimester. She told me it was hard, but that it was harder when she lost a child at birth.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I never had children, so I can only imagine what you are going through. Just follow doctor’s orders for food and rest, keeping the body strong will help emotionally. I will pray for your family.
I’m saddened to hear about your losses, wmulax93. I hope that your wife is healthy and fully recovered from her loss and that your children are too. Best of luck and God bless.
Well, yes. He, not she.
And someone else (bgsufog) whose wife had a miscarriage rehydrated the thread and since the OP jumped right back in, and it’s an evergreen sort of topic, it seems that support is appropriate.
Yeah, I think bgsufog could use the happy vibes more than me right now. His loss is far more immediate, and I know that those first couple of weeks were rough.
Thank you all for your concern, though. I sincerely appreciate it.
I hope that your wife is healthy and fully recovered from her loss and that your children are too. Best of luck and God bless.