My wife is being sexually harassed. Am I doing the right thing by doing nothing?

In My Humble Opinion
141

I would be willing to believe that she told him because she wants his help. That would be, his help to do what she decides is the right thing and when she decides it’s the right time.

She clearly doesn’t want him to fight this battle for her, fair ball. But she wants something or she wouldn’t have told him, I believe. She didn’t want to tell him for fear he’d over react, perhaps because he is an HR guy.

He should do something. He should, gently and with care, encourage her to please document the events as they occur, please, please. So when the day comes that she has had enough or she feels it’s time, she has what she needs to act decisively. Additionally, as she has let him in on what’s going on, he should inquire, not daily perhaps, but regularly how things are going in this relationship. Simply stay on top of it, and stay informed. At the same time letting her know that he continues to be concerned. (No. Not in an overly parental way. In a friendly way.)

From time to time, he should offer her suggestions, the sort of more reasoned ones being offered here. The one about going to the company lawyer seemed a good one to me. An anonymous letter, without her name but pointing out that what’s occurring is being documented. A one on one discussion with the guys uncle, in private, pointing out that she is not, by nature litigious but is afraid of her life being made miserable should she speak up, she loves her job etc, (again, mention the documentation that’s hopefully being kept.) It sounds to me like at least one other person at her work knows about this, which is a good thing.

Just keep coming up with creative solutions and throwing them out there in an easygoing, “Hey, I was thinking about your situation…”, kind of way, like a friend would. Then leave her some time to think them through and get comfortable with. After a little reflection, and possibly another bad day, she may latch on to one of them. One may suit her, and her particular situation, just right.

Mostly though he needs to not ride her about this, inquiring is okay, grilling is not. Throwing out suggestions is okay, pounding away on the one he thinks is best is not. Mostly though, not being offended that your suggestions are not being acted on, is the more important thing.

I feel she is trying to become a person who can handle this herself. Perhaps understanding that he’s abusing her in this way because he senses weakness there. As an adult she deserves the opportunity to evolve as a person and deal with her own stuff, and in her own time. And her husband should support her in that personal development.

142

When people are helpless to defend themselves, it’s up to those closest around them to do it for them. Skald’s wife has been given ample opportunity to handle it herself and she hasn’t. Non-action is not an option anymore.

Twice in my life I’ve picked up the phone and called out people (one was a stranger to me) for being shits to people that I love. I don’t regret either one. And I wouldn’t hesitate to do it again.

143

Your job is to be supportive of your wife.

You can be supportive by offering suggestions.

My first suggestion would be to show her the numbers on this page and get help - whether that is help lodging a complaint or just help dealing - from someone who deals with this.

(9 to 5 is very good with these issues - or was when I went through this).

If you or she has an ERP (Employee Resource Program), give them a call - they can help her get to a therapist - which I think is really important (although HER decision). It sounds like the company is small, which means a lot of doors are closed - EEOC may not be an option for very small companies (I can’t remember), ERPs aren’t common, small companies do not have ethics hotlines like big ones.

The other supportive thing you can do is remind her she can quit. (It would be better if she documented and quit, but her mental health is more important that anything else).

Best of luck to both of you. Been there, done that and it really sucks. Hating your job sucks. Having a bully abuse you at your job really sucks.

144

She’s an intelligent adult when she behaves in an inteligent adult fashion. Just taking abuse at work is not intelligent or adult.

145

Oh, I think it’s primarily about racial hatred; it just happens to be expressing itself in sexual harassment.

146

Actually, she may not be “helpless” but has simply not decided to do anything yet. I still think it’s her perogative to decide when she has had enough, regardless of how it looks to the rest of the world.

147

Many thanks to all who have responded. I have a few thoughts in response; I won’t bother indicating who in particular I’m replying to because I’m so incredibly lazy.

First: yes, my wife is the former barista who so effectively cock-blocked a potential rival at the library. She’s very bold in some ways–I’d say most ways–but when it comes to things like this, she freezes. I know why, many of you have probably guessed why, but I am not going to discuss it. But she knows that freezing is a bad reaction, and I suspect the part of the reason she is asking for space is that she is trying to get herself to a place where she can react to situations like this in non-deer-in-headlights ways.

Second: while Mrs. Rhymer hadn’t explicitly told me what was going on at work before her friend told me specifics, she did let me know that she was unhappy with parts of her job; I think the phrase she used was “95 percent Lothlorien, 5 percent Mordor.” But she also asked me to wait till she could talk about it.

Third: Yeah, there’s a big age disparity between us, which is part of the reason that mrs. r. is hesitant to have me ride to her rescue. There’s enough of an inevitable father-daughter vibe to the marriage that we don’t need to encourage more.

Fourth: If I were going to attack the guy with a blunt object, I wouldn’t announce it on a message board, as that would be stupid. So my veracity in disclaiming any intention to do so is something you’ll have to take on faith. That said, it seems to me that, even apart from legal issues, doing so when she’s asked me to let her solve the problem herself would only make her feel more helpless.

I will post more as more occurs to me.

148

Sorry, zweisamkeit, but we really don’t want posters sharing accounts. I appreciate crazyjoe wanting to help out the OP by giving advice, but he’ll have to refrain until he either renews or free posting gets here. Sorry.

149

If you don’t mind my asking, what race(s) do you, the wife, and the dickhead identify as?

150

With this situation, I don’t see you as riding to her rescue. You’re not the sheriff who is going to come riding in guns blazing, you’re the guy handing her a phone and telling her to call the sheriff.

Ultimately, she is the one who has to go to HR, she is the one making the complaint, and HR is the one who will have to take action to fix the problem. You are merely a source of experience who can help her organize her complaint so that it sticks.

151

Well, I identify only as human, as a matter of principle, but in the eyes of the Census Bureau I’m black.

Mrs. R’s mother is black and her father white, again in the eyes of the Census Bureau. If you met her you’d think she was white; if you asked her she’d say she is black.

The dickless wonder is white.

152

Jesus christ. The woman would rather cry in her car than accept any sort of consolation from her husband. I don’t think it’s hard to understand that there’s a depression issue going on. She’s content to be a victim, she’s content to be passive, to accept abuse. She NEEDS help. She’s not going to do it herself.

I would consider it a breach of husbandly duty if Skald DIDN’T take some sort of action. What, he’s supposed to let his wife wallow in some sort of mental condition because she wants to be left alone?

I agree that this would be a relationship dealbreaker, just as if my husband or SO were suicidally depressed and refusing to see a shrink, or an alcoholic and refusing to get help, or a drug addict, etc. This has nothing to do with the fact that she’s female. I would expect the same of anyone else in a marriage or a partnership situation.

153

He’s not really dickless. It just *seems *that way, comparatively speaking.

:wink:

154

There may be depression issues or other reasons she’s chosen to block her husband’s involvement in the issues. If he wants to discuss the underlying issues for her lack of action, that’s within his bounds. However, going to her employer, or the offender, without her consent is out of bounds as far as I’m concerned.

155

I agree 100%…though I don’t blame anyone for engaging in some wishful thinking while venting over something like this. I’ve been reading this thread for a while, and gotten angrier and angrier- and I’m not even involved!
There has been a lot of talking past each other here, but it seems as though the crux of the argument (as far as we are concerned) is how upset this husband is allowed to be over his wife’s situation. I, myself, am infuriated on principle; I can only imagine what it must be to have to sit by as it unfolds to someone I love.

For me, this situation is a relationship dealbreaker. I’d not go busting heads or slashing tires, but I’d be hard-pressed to not give my wife some sort of ultimatum/timetable for resolving this- either through official channels or quitting. It that fair? No, and I understand that. But neither is what he is going through due to her inaction.
As a married couple, what hurts my wife hurts me. When we got married, one right she did give up was the right to engage in self-destructive behavior (and inaction in the face of abuse counts as such) without thinking of how it would impact our relationship.
Maybe the OP’s wife simply doesn’t consider how damaging this can be to her marriage in addition to her herself. And, of course, I project my own notions of ‘damage’ that the OP may not share- he may not feel as though this strains their relationship at all, and is only concerned for his wife’s situation.

156

Nashiitashii had some very good words of wisdom as well as Chimera & a select few others.

I definately would not advice interferring with office politics or even sending a note to the wife. Sending a note only lowers yourself to his level (though fanatasizing about it and the meanest outcome could be a minute of fun). Calling the owner or anything else most likely would cause even more problems - especially if you are not a part of the network (but if you were a golfing buddy and put a bug in his ear, well…).

So are you supposed to do nothing but let her cry on your shoulder? Let her deal with it her own way - which could amount to nothing? yes, and no.

Being there for her withut taking action only goes so far. She does not want to involve you but are her reasons justified - or are they excuses to avoid whatever is really going on? Being a woman, I could play Devil’s Advocate and plant seeds that may or may not be valid in regards to the situation - all I will say is “There’s always more than one side of a story” and every side leaves out key information, or their side is portrayed to be the TRUTH.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again - I am a key advocate for counseling. That is the step you can take if not for your wife, but for yourself. Sometimes we all need advice from a professional on human nature.

157

I don’t think some people here really understand the visceral reaction a situation like this produces in men. The fact that a lot of us would like to pound this clown into a photon doesn’t mean we or you actually would.

If you don’t mind my asking, has this situation affected your marriage? If it has, do you think she would be open to discussing it with a third party, with or without you there? Maybe if someone neutral agrees with the very reasonable HR-related steps you suggested, it would help.

158

What a mess of a thread. Couple of things come to mind here.

First, I think we all need to separate thoughts from feelings and both of those from action. skald can feel anyway he likes about this. I am a bit :confused: re the racial bigotry being expressed via sexual harassment, but find I’m not too interested in digging for Asshole’s motivation.

Clearly, Mrs skald is not coping well (who would?) with this situation. She has turned to the OP for support, but has stated she will solve this herself. She is seen to be taking steps that direction, but this is where it gets tricky.

I think skald should (and this will not be easy. It will be very hard indeed) just witness this with his wife. Abide with her. If she wants to talk, listen. If she wants to rant, rave, kick shit, and cry; listen. Be very patient, very. She may well need more help and support than any husband, no matter how loving, can give. I suggest a good female therapist.

What I think may be going on (and it’s speculation on my part) is that there has been some abuse or issue with this type of situation in the past. As oogie (is too a word) this is with non-traumatized people, it is like entering the depths of hell for those who have shit in their past that revisits them when Assholes strike. (I do not speak from experience here–just 20+ years of nursing and seeing a lot of people pain).

I think Mrs skald is attempting to gather and garner her strength in order to confront this guy. I think she is afraid to move just yet because she doesn’t feel ready and she is scared, deeply scared. This is more than just the job to her–she has some demons to face here. They are hers alone and the hardest thing skald has to do is to just abide with her as she fights this battle. Abide–not judge, not solve the problem, not enable, not rescue, not condemn.

It will be very difficult, which is why I say bring in some ancillary help, ie therapist. Perhaps just short term, but Mrs skald needs a safe place where she can unload this stuff as she processes it. skaldman is safe, but comes with expectations and issues of his own.

I hope someday she does confront Asshole. I hope she sues the company for everything its got and wins. I just feel that she might be feeling crushed by all things she knows she SHOULD be doing to solve this, while she is also being consumed by all the things she wants to go away. She must be in a very private hell right now. I wish her well and hope she isn’t there long.

159

Believe me, I understand. My husband actually DID go to an offender’s place of employment and told him that his face was that last thing he’d ever see should he choose to speak to me again. But I asked him to intervene. Therein lies the difference.

160

I am guessing (I could be wrong, and it doesn’t really matter) that he is playing off the whole “black men are well endowed” stereotype and harassing her about that. Showing her that kind of porn and asking why she married him, why she likes being with him…it must be because he is big, blah blah blah.

My thoughts - if she is working up the courage to do something, that is fine and should be supported as she feels comfortable. If it is her intention to do nothing forevermore, that is not fine. I would not be supportive of my spouse’s intention to do nothing. I would not do it for him though, but I wouldn’t let it go either. If she is considering coming forward, or deciding whether she should quit, or confront him, or whatever, that probably takes some time to sort out her options. Either way, she should be documenting everything.