Difficult Workplace Situations - how have you handled them?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I have a co-worker who is making my workplace unpleasant. We are part of a team of four people, and the other two people agree that Rhonda has singled me out to be the target of her rudeness. All three of us have reported this to HR and to our Union, but with no luck - their perception is that since three of us get along, we are “ganging up” on Rhonda. So even though three of us are reporting the same incidents, HR and the Union are discounting our reports because her behaviour cannot be proven.

Frustrating to say the least! I was considering recording her on a little handheld digital recorder, so that her words and tone can be undisputed, but I am uncertain of the legalities of this in Canada and certainly don’t want to get myself in legal trouble!

I’m curious how other Dopers in similar situations have handled the stress of being someone’s “target”. She has been there 8 years, I have been there 2. Before I joined the team, she had another “target” whom she picked on so much that that person ended up leaving.

Leaving this position is not an option for me - it is very high-paying for my field, and other than Rhonda, I love the job and the work that I do.

2

I see you’ve reported it to HR and your union, where is your boss in this? It doesn’t seem like Rhonda is your boss, is it one of the other people in the team or someone else entirely?

3

Take her for what she is…a bully…and ignore her. Just do your job. She’s not your supervisor, you don’t have to take direction from her. Let her comments roll off your back. Don’t give her the time of day except where required to get the job done.

4

I was in a situation like that a long time ago. When I’d had enough, I brought it up to a supervisor. It took a while, but the offensive person was transferred to another location. She was later fired for unrelated reasons.

5

Is HR aware the other person left because of this? Is the union? And if not, does anyone have contact with the other person so that they could be made aware? Seems like repeated behavior might be taken more seriously.

6

Canada requires that one party of a conversation consent to the recording, so you could record a conversation with Rhonda that you’re having without notifying her. If you can do it without her knowledge it would certainly help providing information.

7

What is the seating situation? Can your co-workers hear her every time she starts?

If so, ask them to silently walk in and stand behind you facing her each time she does it. None of you say anything in response - just the silent knowing stare response to all bullying or rudeness.

Keep repeating to yourself “Do not respond to inapprpriate behavior.” You simply can not hear her when she speaks rudely. All you can do is stare in the direction from which a noise came - the noise you cna not quite make out.

Respond immediately and cheerfully any time she speaks politely to you.

8

And doing it with her knowledge might just shut her up.

9

I had a work bully a couple of jobs ago, and I handled it by talking to our supervisor, then ended up quitting because I just wasn’t interested in being her verbal punching bag any longer. The talk with our supervisor resulted in her bringing both of us into her office and asking what was going on - I said one thing, she said another, and it resulted in nothing changing. I think I could have handled it better by just telling my bully, “Knock this shit off. If you’re having a bad day, don’t take it out on me.” I ended up quitting anyway, so I had nothing to lose.

After I quit, I did receive Employment Insurance after describing the hostile work environment; your next step might be your local Ministry of Labour. It appears they frown on companies allowing bullying to go on.

10

In response to the questions …

Our team all sits in the same large room, we each have our own desk and workspace, but there are no cubicle dividers or anything like that (although HR is proposing that as a possible solution :rolleyes: ). So yes, the other 2 people can hear everything Rhonda says.

Our manager works in another building. She is well aware of Rhonda’s behaviour - Rhonda yelled at me once in this manager’s presence. The manager started with the company at the same time I did, so the history of Rhonda harassing this other employee to the point of quitting is something that we have both only heard about. My manager has told me point blank that she finds Rhonda intimidating and is afraid of her.

Our team is composed of three employees (me, Rhonda, and Kim). The 4th person is a team leader, but she is not empowered by her job description to do anything with regard to discipline or inappropriate behaviour. Her position is mainly to co-ordinate the workload and deal with our internal customers.

HR and the Union are both well aware of Rhonda’s history of harassment and intimidation. Under our Respectful Workplace Corporate Policy, employees are not permitted to be disrespectful or make the workplace uncomfortable for others … blah blah blah. HR told me in a joint meeting with the Union and my manager that the Policy is essentially impossible to enforce since any such behaviour comes down to one person’s word against another’s.

I have worked on ignoring her and taking the high road in terms of not getting dragged down to her petty, passive-aggressive level, but a couple of weeks ago I could feel myself slipping, so I took time off to regroup and find some perspective and some new coping mechanisms. Although I was mainly able to ignore her and not rise to her insults, I internalized much of it and THAT is what I need to learn how to deal with - not only how I act outwardly, but how I handle it inwardly, so that I’m not letting it affect my health and my mental well-being.

11

Have you considered inviting her out for a drink to try and settle your differences? Then, when she shows up, jump her in the parking lot and beat the crap outa her.

This approach worked for me once, but I’m a guy and maybe y’all handle things differently.

ETA: N/M, I see you are in Canadia.

12

Mentally play back what she says to you, but in Goofey’s voice.

13

It would help to know what kind of rudeness you’re dealing with–is it directed at you personally? Like she accuses you of smelling bad or not caring about her? Or is she trying to professionally undermine you in front of your shared boss? Does she view you as incompetent or competition?

Some general advice: if she’s just a co-worker, I can’t see why it’s required that you interact with her beyond anything except essential work questions. She isn’t your boss so she has no “power” over you. Try keeping all of your requests to her in writing. Stick to email, or instant messenger, or leave post-its/memos on her desk (she can’t be rude in written communication without leaving a paper trail, and my guess is she doesn’t want to do that). Go out of your way to avoid speaking to her. Chat with your coworkers and have a blast with them, then stay stone-cold silent when she talks to you. --This is where knowing more about your situation is handy. Is it possible for you to go written on your communication with her? Or are you both like… collaborative design artists who have to argue over paint colors, or something?

If your two other team members are behind you on this, try to conduct as many collaborative sessions as you can without her. Make it clear to your boss that her rudeness is making it impossible for you to work with her (I have the best boss in the world, honestly, but I don’t understand why your boss wouldn’t take a complaint like this seriously when it’s coming from the entire team). Don’t validate her verbal rudeness with ANY response.

14

The rudeness is stuff that mostly sounds petty, especially in writing, where it’s so hard to convey her tone and her attitude.

She butts into personal conversations, for example, a co-worker and I were discussing panhandlers when Rhonda interrupted to say that I have no compassion, and that most of those people are not hire-able, and she has someone in her family who is mentally ill, and how dare I judge that person and blah blah blah. (She is not a linear thinker or speaker, it is often very hard to follow what she is saying!).

Another situation was a couple of weeks ago when I asked a question about a job that came into our office. Again, I wasn’t talking to her, but she butted in to say “Just do the job instead of complaining about it. All you do is complain. Just do the work!”

Some days she will be fine and pretend to be pleasant, but part of the trouble I have in dealing with her is that I never know when she is going to attack me (dramatic word, but that is what it feels like). Even if my team leader or my other co-worker speak up against her, she ignores them and continues on her rant against me. Then she “shuts down” and freezes us all out for the rest of the day, or even the next week or two.

She is menopausal, I believe she is an alcoholic, she has a very unhappy home life, she was abused as a child … there are many reasons she has to be an unhappy person; however, I believe by choosing to come to work, she is choosing to be in a place where she needs to behave professionally.

To respond to rachelellogram - we sometimes do need to discuss certain jobs, and work together on things, but for the most part, we work fairly independently of each other. For the past two years I have done everything I can to avoid anything but absolutely necessary interactions with her. However, in HR and the Union’s eyes, this can be seen as “excluding her” and validating her claims that I am the problem.

15

Hell, do it out loud. Mockery is a potent weapon against bullies when physical conflict isn’t on the table.

16

Zeriel - I was actually thinking of literally laughing it off … and then resuming my conversation. It would enrage her, but it might be fun. Although then I guess I would be considered “rude” - another thing she has accused me of. Apparently I am the “rudest person she’s ever met!”. :smiley:

I’ve read a couple of books - The No Assholes Rule, and Dealing with Difficult People. One thing that was suggested - I think in DwDP - was to acknowledge the comment with a neutral “Hmmm maybe I am the rudest person in the world.” or “Maybe I have no compassion.” and then carrying on with the conversation. That makes sense on paper, but I just don’t think I could give her the satisfaction of even thinking that I agree with her - the subtlety of the “maybe” might be lost on her.

17

Why can’t you just turn to her and say, “Rhonda, we were not speaking to you. Please don’t interrupt.”

and continue.

Or, “Rhonda, that was inappropriate for the conversation…” or something like that?

That way you are not bullying - just being abrupt and keeping it professional.

18

I’m starting to like a variant on TruCelt’s idea – when she says something obtuse, just stop and stare at her. Say nothing. Do not break eye contact. Have “Excuse me?!?” written all over your face. Don’t stop until she tucks tail.

19

Poysyn - I’ve tried a couple of times to say something reasonable yet firm to her. The problem is, she then escalates the attack, which leaves me flustered and speechless. She does not care what people think - in social situations (this is a small enough town that I know people outside of work who know Rhonda) she is equally rude and clueless as to proper social behaviour.

tdn - I love that idea too except she is so rude that she says 99% of her insults with her back to the room - so a good old “WTF?” stare would be totally lost on her.

20

Have you tried something like: ‘Please stop attacking me’ or ‘What you are saying is hurtful.’? I mean, how can that not make her look bad?

Granted, that’s the wuss way, which is my way. :wink: (Or not saying anything…which is how I’ve handled work bullies in my personal life. I wait until they move on to other jobs. And it works! Each time the bully has left. Once, in a delicious twist, the company she left for went under and I felt so…evilly happy when I heard…)