I suppose you could say “Excuse me?!?” out loud in that case.
That is definitely a wussy way, but it has the nice effect of calling her out on her bullshit in no uncertain terms. You’re not arguing with her, you’re stopping her in her tracks and forcing her to acknowledge her bullying.
Or a simple - “Well, that was rude!” Then return to the conversation/task at hand. whatever you pick, it has to be the same every time and as many people as possible doing it. Try to talk them out of riffing on it.
I think you hit on it earlier when you said that your main problem is how to deal with this internally. Like any bully, she continues to pick on you because she can see that she is getting to you.
I agree that you need to stop internalizing her negativity. If this is not something that comes naturally to you, it can be very difficult - you may need to change the way you look at other people and the world. You may need to take a long look at your own self-confidence and self-esteem.
What she says is really about herself, not about you. You already recognize that she is unhappy and is making herself feel better by picking on you. My first rule of dealing with difficult people is “don’t take it in”. That is, don’t make it yours, when the problem is hers.
If this sort of thing were happening to me, here are some things I would do:
When she interrupts a conversation, stop talking until she is finished, then continue on as if nothing had happened. If you start out with “as I was saying, …” it wouldn’t hurt.
When she says things to you that you can’t ignore, I would say “Really? Well…” and then go back to the business at hand, or back to what I was doing. Be noncommittal, don’t engage, don’t disagree.
When you have to speak to her on business (this can be one of the most difficult things) behave as if there was never anything wrong. If she starts in on you, do one of the above two things.
Good luck.
Roddy
“I wasn’t talking to you, Rhonda.”
“This conversation has nothing to do with you, Rhonda.”
“Pay attention to your own work, Rhonda.”
Or “Mind your own business, Rhonda.”
Progrssively snottier reply each time. It should work.
Laughing out loud, like a maniac if you can manage it, has the added benefit of making yourself feel better. It basically forces your brain to see the absurd in the situation.
Here’s a major part of your problem.
“My manager has told me point blank that she finds Rhonda intimidating and is afraid of her.”
It’s his job to step in and he isn’t doing it.
Your union says you need proof of harassment. Asked them exactly how you’re suppose to document that ? I have a feeling they aren’t going to be very helpfull at all in this regard.
Do you feel comfortable with raising it up a notch when she does this ? Meaning get in her face basically conveying her behaviour is not acceptable and your not going to be her punching bag ?
It works for men most of the time but I know when it comes to the office dynamics between women this may not work out so well and very may well escalate the crazy on her part.
Or you can try and get a transfer perhaps to another team?
Actually ignore my advice of confronting crazy it probably won’t help. I like other peoples advice of dealing with crazy by reacting crazy though.
My sympathies, she sounds like a real bitch.
Hrm, she’s been there 8 years, and you only 2? And this behavior has been going on a long time and hasn’t been addressed?
Well in the thread title you asked what would I do about it. Honestly, I would judge whether in my specific situation there was anything which would improve things, and if not, whether I’d be willing to deal with things being like that forever.
If your manager won’t do anything, and HR also won’t do anything, and nobody’s done anything for a long time, then your options are pretty limited. Deal with it, or quit. If neither of those options are acceptable, there does exist a third option…but you must be strong. You may want to practice, train hard for months, before attempting. Retaliate in kind, but escalate things drastically. Be an UBER bitch back to her, and make it personal. Call her out on things like hygiene and lifestyle, work ethic, and her pisspoor attitude. Mock her grammar and sentence structure. Tell her that her shoes are evidence of her poor upbringing. Mock her parents for making such a terrible person. She’ll either stop or quit herself or you’ll get fired. But at least you can go to bed at night knowing you won’t stand for that kind of petty bullshit.
Or punch her in the vagina *outside *of work. (do not do this) 
I dont suppose singing help me Rhonda, help help me Rhonda, would help , specially if all three of you start singing it at the same time, when she is starting one of her intrusions.
Declan
Except that you have three people’s word against one.
And you have your manager’s witness to behavior in front of her.
Time to repeat all of this to HR and then ask what specific evidence and documentation you will be required to provide before specific action will be taken to stop a violation of company policy, or what other actions would be required before the company as a whole will take steps to enforce it’s policies.
Thanks all.
Basically NOTHING that I do seems to affect how she acts - whether I am meek and mild, pleasantly assertive, or downright rude. So knowing that, I will continue to work on not internalizing her behaviour and trying what Roderick Femm (and others) have suggested - if she interrupts, just continue the conversation as if she hadn’t spoken … if she says something rude or condescending that requires a reply, I will neutrally say “Really? Hmmm…”, and if she must be spoken to for a work situation, I will treat her the same as I treat anyone else.
I will also speak to HR again as Chimera advised and ask what kind of documentation is required in case things continue to get worse, and a Corporate Policy complaint needs to be filed.
I have been in frustrating work situations before, like everyone has, but this flat-out blatant rudeness is something I’ve never come across before from a co-worker, so I’m just baffled. She’s 48, I’m 41, and I feel like I’m back in Grade 8 dealing with a “mean girl”. Ugh.
Part of your boss’s job is to deal with situations like this, and there’s no reason why you should have to put up with it just because your boss is weak. If she won’t, then you’re within your rights to escalate to her boss.
You could say something like “I can’t stand this any more. Can you please deal with Rhonda’s abusive behaviour; if you feel you can’t then take it to <her boss’s name> - then let me know and I will”.
We’ve tried this with our version of Rhonda and it hasn’t worked. Every time any of us single her out, it just raises her hackles even more.
I, like the OP, am the main “punching bag”, but everyone else save our manager is fair game.
When I finally realized that it’s her and not me, that’s when I stopped taking everything personally. I also discovered that she’s created quite a reputation for herself within our district. And, as somebody upthread said, she honestly, utterly, doesn’t give two flying $&#^&@ as to what anyone else thinks.
Current Employer is currently reshuffling people. TPTB is looking to get rid – as in transfer or what-have-you, not lay off – of one of us. Needless to say Rhonda’s tirades have escalated…
Focus on what you can control. You can’t control her behaviour, but you can control the way you react to it. It sounds like you’re already doing this, but keep working at it. Someone has already mentioned some books, I’d add ‘Toxic People’ to that list.
I really disagree with those advising you to become a bully. That’s not who you are, and you don’t want to head down that path. Continue to be assertive and self-assured, and fake sincerety when you need to, e.g.
‘Oh gosh, I’m so sorry to hear that your family member is mentally ill. Are they getting the help they need? Do you have to spend a lot of your own time helping them?’
I never understand situations like this, taking the high road and hoping for a white knight HR manager to come help. When has that ever worked? All you have to do is stop being a target.
Personally I would be having some fun with her. The first time she butted in I would reply very sarcastically. The second time I would loudly ask her what Jesus would do. The third time I would viscously snap at her. Hell, with the other staff on my side and probably keen to jump in, I would say what ever stupid thing came into my head just to fuck with her head.
I think that people fear confrontation like this because they fear the consequences, they don’t want the shouting match or the sullen silence afterwards. But when the alternative is an ongoing toxic workplace, what have you to lose? She isn’t your boss, you owe her nothing, so stand up for yourself and tell her where to go.
I have been in this situation and IME you do not want to engage with her. You will not win, she will. She will keep on escalating it as far as she can, and you still have to work there every single day. That doesn’t mean you have to put up with it constantly, absolutely reply shortly when she addresses you directly with some combination of the answers in this thread, but you’ll need to learn to ignore her.
It’s not a problem to come up with some snarky funny responses and deliver them with a smile, though.
Good luck.
The only issues with that, IMO, are 1) stooping to her level; and 2) making yourself vulnerable in contributing to a “toxic workplace”. In other words, Rhonda could easily report you to HR for your behavior. Even if you document her behavior as to the reason why you acted in such a manner, it still would be a black mark against you because you retaliated.
I wonder if treating the situation like she’s gone a bit crazy and you’re just so concerned about her might get her to shut up, at least. Don’t ever mention “crazy,” just stuff like “oh, you’re taking this so personally again - we weren’t talking about you,” or “are you okay? You seem like you’re really stressed, maybe you should talk to Employee Health/your doctor,” “you’re ranting again, we’re getting worried about you,” etc.
Otherwise, I’d definitely ask about what does count as adequate evidence, and document, document, document.
So HR will do nothing about three peoples complaints, but you think they will jump down her throat at the first chance?
This may sound melodramatic, but have you considered the possibility that someone in the organization is protecting her because of an outside-of-work relationship?
I know I’m seeing this through a personal filter here, but I went through a similar experience, many years ago. I could not understand how my coworker was getting away with not doing her job, being generally obnoxious, rude and denigrating to the rest of us. She arrived late, left early, and produced very little, while the rest of us were browbeaten and threatened by the boss. Dumb me. Dumb us.
She was boinking the boss. It had been going on for years. It came out after most of us had fled to other jobs. His wife caught them. Scandal ensued.