Moved from IMHO to MPSIMS.
Being an artist, whether photographic or graphic, requires confidence. For every photographer obsessed with the math and numbers, there are plenty who just feel it. It’s about what she feels is right for her as a photographer. She clearly feels the need to address her own difficulties with the numbers, when it comes to taking pictures, since she has applied herself in a very disciplined way to just that part of it.
The point is you cannot push a rope, nor artistic initiative. I assume she supported you and did not shape your pursuits? Or second guess your choices? She is in a very different place, in her life, with very different things pulling on her, then you were when you were making your own choices. Artistic pursuits are a different animal, you must be aware.
Her dream may not be dead, and it’s a little harsh for you to pass that judgement, I think. I am glad you are discussing it here instead of with her, at the moment. That she isn’t feeling the confidence to get motivated could be due to depression or just a down period, though I consider it’s less from the OP and more wild ass conjecture by the masses.
It may be that it is simply just not the moment for her. Only she will know when the time is right. And your support of her may initially require some years spent finding her way to her path whatever it turns out to be. And it may well turn out to be photography. But in some new and weird way you haven’t imagined.
I think you need to step back and let her get to a place where she’s feeling confident. It could take a while, remain calm. You’ll discover, I think, you cannot push an artist, even less than you can push a rope! I wish you and her the very Best of Luck!
Thanks mate, but you may wish to reconsider. I did read your post and I am well aware that tone and intent doesn’t always carry well in BB posting but I do did agree with Astro and added my own addendum rather than re posting the same stuff.
You have since elaborated so I’ve modified my stance somewhat.
FWIW, I appreciate the sentiments but it’s not really necessary, at least to me anyway, as I rarely take anything personal that’s aimed at me on BB’s.
As I tried to say before, it’s hardly the end of the world. Your wife has a husband who cares, healthy (I assume) kids and enough cash and intelligence to have the option to look at taking time out to study something that interests her.
Not a lot horrible about that scenario.
When I see problems like this, with all of the genuine angst that they entail, I often flash upon an engrained memory of driving by squatters heaps in a developing country and being able to see inside the homes through the holes and watch families huddle miserably as monsoon rain pounded at them.
And I think that I am blessed beyond measure to have first world problems to deal with.
OP, this isn’t a dig at you. Our unhappiness with a situation is unique to us, and it seldom helps to compare ourselves to the less fortunate. But oh, the perspective it brings when you witness stark, abject poverty and the suffering that it brings.
What sort of photographer was she envisioning being?
She may need the numbers in her head to pass school, but art isn’t a profession that demands a degree. And she may need the numbers in her head to be a photojournalist or shoot candids or do wildlife photography. But if she wants to set up a studio and make a living taking pictures of kids and high school seniors, she would be better off investing in the equipment than the schooling.
Okay. I have no idea how you can see what you’re saying as compatible with what Astro said. Astro’s post contained almost no true statements, and was based on false and unkind assumptions. So, I guess I have to stand by what I said. If you agree with Astro, then you are not reading for comprehension, and you are a jerk.
Agreed.
Like I said, her intention was to be open to all kinds of possibilities. The basic idea was simply this: To resolve to be trained in various visual and graphic arts (esp photography) for a few years, and see where this leads.
I see this as a good opportunity for growth and another step into the world of maturity. You both got punched in the nose but no where near knocked out. It will pass and she will move on.
While I am not sure what “the world of maturity” has to do with it, I am confident that you’re right in the main.
Doesn’t make it any less disappointing though.
It happens. You think you will like to do something as a job and you find out you don’t.
I worked as a waitress for two years to save up money to go to massage therapy school. That was my dream. My husband and I moved to a different state.
Halfway through (sooner?) I was starting to get a sinking sensation. Like maybe I don’t like massage therapy. Maybe I hate it. Maybe the prospect of a life “living my dream” looks like a life of drudgery.
I did finish the program and then never worked as a massage therapist. All that money wasted. It was terribly embarrassing to tell my husband and other people in my life that I didn’t want what I’d worked so hard for. It was embarrassing every time someone who knew I’d gone to massage therapy school asked what was up with the massage therapy career. But all that is better than giving massages and hating it (imagine being the poor client getting a massage from someone who’s hating it).
You figure out something else to do. It’s not “defeat”. It’s just what’s before what comes next.
I think American culture puts way too much emphasis on “having a dream.” It’s ok to not have a dream. Or to pursue the dream and figure out it was just that, a dream and the reality is different.
Quoted because this is one of the truest things I’ve ever read.
Well in our case it’s not that we have a general idea that we have a right to pursue our dreams, it’s that she explicitly gave up on a lot of things she was hoping for in order to enable me to pursue mine, and now that she’s ready to take “her turn,” she’s finding out (it turns out) it’s not going to work. As well as the disappointment and discouragement I mentioned, she also feels cheated. (Not by me, but by life.)
Well anyway, you’re right, the standard order of events is one meets disappointment, and one plugs along, and things happen and doors open and you don’t end up doing what you planned but you make a good life anyway. Yes yes.
Right now, though, where she sees herself is here —> Unskilled, no recent work experience, the things she’s talented at and enjoys are not marketable, likely to fail at the things she’d really like to do, and failure will cost too much to justify the attempt.
There’s also this undercurrent. She would not condemn someone for choosing to be a stay at home mom. But this simply isn’t in keeping with her self image. She’s a good one and the kids are turning out awesome. But she hates it and does not respect herself for it. And then of course, feels super guilty for thinking that way.
So anyway, you guys can see there are depths to the despair here. It’s not just disappointment at a single setback. This is a real crisis, and I don’t know whether there’s anything I can do to help. And as I said in the OP, neither do you, I know that.
So why doesn’t she just focus on one other than photography?
It doesn’t sound like she’s giving up something she still wants to do. Enjoying a hobby and being good at it does not always translate to a career, and that’s okay. Continuing to pursue it if it isn’t what she wants anymore won’t help.
If her learning disability is truly the problem, I am certain there are ways to succeed as a photographer in spite of it, but if she doesn’t have the passion to work through it, maybe she needs some time to dream a new dream.
Since you are committed to being supportive, support her in her search, and let her know that if this isn’t what she WANTS to do anymore that she isn’t letting anyone down by letting it go.
I’m trying to figure out how to articulate just such a suggestion without thereby trying to push her into it. Difficult. But I do want to make sure such options are not being taken off the table too early.
I have a cousin in graphic design. She works for a publishing corp, but I’m not sure what exactly she does. But she’s fairly new to the job. I’m currently asking her to describe her job and show me examples of the kind of thing she does.
My sympathies to your wife. Dyscalculia has chopped off a lot of my own dreams over the years. It is very hard to accept that you have limitations you cannot do anything about via effort.
However, photography, like all the other arts, is a pretty dispiriting profession if you want to actually make a living at it. Not to put too fine a point on it, the product you take so much care and joy in producing is not even the biggest factor – marketing is. And it’s a fairly rare artist, with or without dyscalculia, who is a great marketer of themselves. Extraverted shameless self-promoters with irrepressible self-esteem are the kind of people who do well.
I also second the point that making a career out of your passion is often a good way to squeeze all the fun out of it.
My advice to your wife is to embrace the grieving process, be kind to herself, and realize she will eventually regroup and move on. There are other careers she can find satisfaction in, and once she is ready to, she can start exploring them.
This is accurate of course.
A bit of necessary pressure I haven’t mentioned yet, though, is this: She basically has to either go to school or get a part time job. This is for financial reasons. So it can’t just be freeform explory times unfortunately. A decision must be made. Meaningless part time employment still allows for consideration and exploration outside of work, of course, but on the other hand she’s a mother of four with her husband working full time, and given the expense of day care we’d have to be alternating work shifts meaning she’ll have almost no free time once it happens.
I’d walk this line carefully if I were you. Yes, her dream of photography may be out of reach (although I will point out that lots and lots of photographers never attend school of any kind, and lots can be done at home with a PC and good software), but it sounds like she may be on the way to feeling fully screwed by you and by life.
She may be a mother of four, but keep in mind you’re a FATHER of four, and even though you work full time, once she starts school or starts working, you’re expected to put in 50% of the parenting, housework, cooking, etc. Look at it from her point of view - you get to work your dream job while she is stuck at home with the kids (I hated it too - it’s torture for someone who’s not child-oriented) and watches her life just go by.
I’m not saying she’s going to leave you, but you’re being a tad paternalistic about this, and she is a grown adult who is perfectly capable of whatever she needs to do with her life. It’s isnt a problem for you to solve, it’s something for you to listen to, understand and encourage. You may be the primary breadwinner, but you’re a full partner in everything else as well. It may be that you need to pick up a lot of slack while she gets some schooling, teaches herself Phoroshop, finds a way that fits her, whatever it is. Be very careful not to continue to assume the responsibility of the house and the children falls on her.
You’re not telling me anything I don’t already know.
You have no basis for this claim whatsoever. In fact the very opposite is true, and indicated by my posts in this thread.
Though I wouldn’t call the above part of my point in this thread, exactly, it is certainly a very strong presupposition. If it were not, I would simply be telling her what to do. But instead, I am letting her tell me what she is going to do–and my job is to adjust around that. If you don’t figure that I know this from reading what I’ve said, I don’t know what to say.
You are presuming a lot.