My wonderful life

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m writing this here because I don’t know who else I can talk to about this.

At the moment I feel that my life is falling apart despite the fact that there’s actually nothing wrong with it. For the past 15 years or so I’ve been trying to deal with my inability to actually DO anything in my life. I’m 28, I have no friends, no social life, and at the moment I have no job. I’ve never had any kind of sexual or even romantic relationship. I’ve just finished a long tenure in the protective environment of academia by (probably) failing my PhD.

I’m smart, I’m moderately talented in a broad range of areas, I work well under pressure, am extremely good at problem solving, and at getting myself out of holes I’ve dug for myself. Considering the circumstances I’m fairly good at getting on with people, I can make them laugh at any rate (after all, self effacing humour is easy), I have a loving family who supported me through university and are still supporting me now, If I fail my PhD it’ll leave me with three good degrees to get by on. I have no overbearing financial problems. I’ve had a lot more good luck than bad. I’ve seen the problems that people around me have; I know that there are many who would kill to have my life.

I can see all the things I need to do to resolve or address my problems; I just know that I won’t do them.

For a long time now I’ve found it almost impossible to get many of the things in my life done until the last minute. I’ve spent weeks of misery avoiding doing something that would eventually take me 15 minutes. I can work to strictly enforced deadlines (at the last minute) but as soon as things get less rigidly defined things start to go horribly wrong, The things that don’t come with deadlines I end up not doing at all. I spend much of my time stressing about the things that I’m not doing. I have a very poor memory for things that don’t interest me (and a very good one for useless facts) I forget to do things that others ask me to do, I’m therefore terrified of responsibility, I find it very difficult not to let others down, and I hate that part of myself. I don’t understand why I can’t do things until I’m “ready” to do them but I do know that trying to do so is intensely stressful, it feels like I’m trying to chain my mind to a task it doesn’t want to do. I can concentrate for hours though on something pointless.

I worry about the prospect of employment in a responsible position and the consequences all of the above could have for an employer or others. I don’t know how I can expect to explain all of the above to other people as, intellectually, all of this sounds just as stupid and unlikely to me as it must seem to others. I’ve been able to deal with this to some extent in the past, but by the 100th straight time you try to think “OK, this week is going to be different” it becomes hard to convince yourself and easier to let yourself down. I tend to be fairly compulsive in my purchases and behavior although I deal with this by limiting my opportunity to get into trouble, a limited income and not having credit cards and refusing to take loans on things have kept me out of financial trouble so far (don’t ask me about savings). I’m sure that most people around view me as lazy and irresponsible and I can’t fault them on that at all.

I’ve read similar accounts from other people and have read up on adult ADHD, I don’t really exhibit much in the way of hyperactivity now, save for constant foot tapping, although I certainly did as a child (I was pretty much the ADHD poster child in primary school) and still do when I’m stressing out about not doing something, but the Inattention spectrum sums my life up perfectly.

I eventually managed to persuade my doctor to refer me to the local psychiatrist only to be told that we don’t really believe in adult ADHD in the UK and that it was obviously impossible for a PhD candidate to have very much wrong with their life (I’m pretty sure she somehow managed not to meet any graduate students at university). My doctor then told me that the psychiatrists in my city are useless, overstretched, and under resourced and that unless I’d gone in there and actually tried to set fire to the women she was pretty much bound to find me fit. He did however add that he also thought that I couldn’t possibly have gotten to be a PhD student if I had much in the way of problems. After a couple more increasingly stressed visits he tried me on Prozac for a couple of months and when that didn’t work he agreed that if I could contact the one doctor in the country who did believe in ADHD in adults he might be able to arrange a referral.

By this time however I’d started to apply for employment in a variety of areas including the civil service, all of which involve large medical history disclosure forms and in some cases access to my medical records. As it stands my doctor said that he would describe the course of Prozac as due to minor stress related to my (then) impending thesis deadline and the psychiatrist seems to have pronounced me sane. As the civil service seems to offer me one of the best chances of a non research career at this point and as I’m intending to make further applications to the graduate fast stream at the end of the year it seems like a bad time to be embarking on a further crusade to be diagnosed mentally unreliable.

I know that the ADHD angle might not be the answer, and while I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want an easy solution for my problems I know that isn’t going to happen. I’m also terrified by the alternate possibility that all this is just my fault and I really am just a terrible, lazy, person.

But I want to be able to be proud of the things that I’ve done rather than realise that I could have done better, and I want to go out and do things and meet people and build relationships, I want to try new things. I want to go places and see things. I don’t think any of that is much to ask out of life and I don’t think it’s too late to start, but the only thing standing in my way is me and I don’t know how to deal with that.

I realise this is probably going to draw contempt from the people who have genuine problems in their life but I really don’t know what to do here. My life isn’t a terrible one and it isn’t as bad as I’ve probably made it sound here, I’m not miserable all the time; it just seems to be terribly empty compared to the lives other people have. I don’t know whether to try and follow up on this doctor now and risk losing another career path, or to try and hold things together for the time being and wait until I have more security.

Anyway, if you’re still here, thanks for listening.

2

Hi, I’m new here too.

First, I don’t think I’d worry about comparing your problems in life to someone else’s. It’s obvious that you recognize that you have a pretty good life so it isn’t as if you are unaware that some people have it worse. Thing is, someone always has it worse. Your problems are yours, and they’re important to you. They should be. Those people with worse problems, they can deal with those while you concentrate on you.

Sounds like you had a bad experience with the psychiatrist. What about just a licensed therapist? Someone you can talk to talk to. I don’t think I’d mention anything about the ADHD. It’s their job to decide on the diagnosis and your job to fully explain how you are feeling.

Also, you mention being unemployed and not really having any social outlet. How are you spending your days?

Since you do have some time on your hands, you might want to check out ways to interact with people. Research things going on in your area. Are there any book clubs or crafting classes you can take? Maybe take a book to a local park and sit and read for a bit. Being outside can make you feel better and clear your head. Find things to do (outside of your home) that interest you.

Granted, these won’t solve your problems you mentioned at the beginning of your post, but they can help lift the haze of depression you seem to be in and make you think clearer.

3

What do you want to do with your life? IMO, everyone needs goals to be happy. You say you’re currently working on a PhD, but why? For what purpose are you striving to get such an advanced degree?

I dunno what’s going on in your noggin, but I think for starters that you’re being too hard on yourself. Everyone has flaws and we all have periods when we hate ourselves for them. It becomes a problem when we state that “we cant change,” and resign ourselves to excessive self-deprecation and misery.

Hmmm… you should see a therapist still. Although I’m guessing you’re in a mild depression with possible social-anxiety disorder, I think having somebody to talk with is the most important thing now. Again, just a wild guess but I dont think medication is the answer here, although it may help in a mild dosage.

It sounds corny but remember, love yourself and others will love you. Light the fire inside you and people will be drawn like moths. How to do that? That’s something that ultimately comes down to you, but many things can help like meditation, talking to friends, nature walks, good books, etc etc.

Have you ever read the book “Wild at Heart.” It’s heavily Christian but I dont think that makes it non-readable to those who aren’t. It basically states that men need three things to be truly alive, a war to fight, a dragon to slay, and a lady to woo. Gah, it’s been a while… it was something like that. Anyway, pick it up if you can and see what you think.

Whatever happens, dont forget that The Dope is here for you, and cyber-comfort is only a few clicks away. Hang in there, and stick around!

4

I’ve recently been informally analyzed by a psychologist using a personality type classification system - which I understand is somewhat ‘snake oil’ in its principles - but one thing really stood out. It was a pair of diagrams of “how you get things done”. Both diagrams featured point A at bottom-left, and point B at top-right. The first diagram was a regular series of steps between the points. The second diagram was a path meandering vaguely towards the goal, with a huge break in the middle, then a violent squiggle close to point B. It really hit home with me: unless I am totally enthused about something, I have an attention span of less than five minutes, then mess about with different aspects of stuff, get distracted, then do something else, over and over again - and then towards the deadline I work like a lunatic to finish whatever it was I was meant to be doing all along.

It was nice to know that I wasn’t alone in this: that it’s a classification in a well-established and well-regarded (if not scientifically respected) classification system gives me hope that I’m not suffering from an ailment.

And nor, I suspect, are you: you’re just really chaotic and easily distracted. And probably a little lazy too, as am I. I totally understand the “false deadline” dilemma you mention too. If there isn’t a real deadline, well then, let’s just do this, that or the other. Ooh, shiny!

As for conquering it: the decision is all. As in, use your conscious mind to force your procrastinating physical self to get up and start doing whatever-it-is. Make a decision that creates circumstances you simply can’t get out of. Promising people you’ll do stuff by a certain date is good. Emailing job applications is good. Buying an expensive plane ticket that you don’t want to waste is good. Don’t try to tackle the whole thing - just do it a bit at a time.

Using this method I have managed to do all sorts of things: I’ve travelled the world, got married, got a skill and a well-paid job, etc. etc. Even in microcosm, this weekend I used this to achieve several major chores - I built a bench, put up a fence, fixed some stuff around the house, did lots of gardening, and vacuumed my car (for the first time in four years). That doesn’t sound like a lot, but for someone like me and you it’s a fair achievement. It’s all about making the decision to do something in such a way that forces you to fulfill that decision.

It’s in no way too late to start. Good luck, and you’re not nuts!

5

What is your field? When you say you think you “failed your Ph.D.”, is it your dissertation you are worried about?

6

I know that the ADHD thing is currently very much a bugbear as far as the mental health profession is concerned, most of my family are teachers and the trend towards problem parents seeking a diagnosis and subsequent medication as an easy answer causes them no end of problems. I also know that in general arguing over a diagnosis with the doctor is a bad sign, but I have worked with too many doctors to have absolute faith in them.

I did try and avoid reading up on the disorder in question and pushing it as the answer when I went to the doctor, if there is an answer out there I want the right one. However most of what I was told both by the psychiatrist in question suggested that she wasn’t familiar with the existing literature on the subject as pertaining to adults. Bottom line, the DSMIV seems to be far too on the button for me to disregard out of hand at this point and I’d like to be able to at least discuss the issue with someone who seems to know what they are talking about. I don’t see medication as answer though, frankly the possibility scares the hell out of me.

The PhD could be an entire pit thread by itself, basically I’d been drifting a long through the academic pathway of least resistance and doing OK, academia thus far providing firm deadlines and work that didn’t involve much interaction with others. I just drifted on into the PhD which was of course a horrifically bad move.

I don’t think I deserve a PhD for my work, but I also think I was surrounded by people who didn’t deserve a PhD and who got one regardless, I’m very angry at the University for a whole host of things, not least of which was my viva which was cut short after less than 2 hours and before we even had a chance to talk about my results because the external examiners taxi had arrived. I’m appealing at the moment but I feel somewhat of a fraud for doing so, regardless I suspect I’ll probably get another viva.

I know that I need to get out more and do things, I even have a list of things to try, but actually doing it is another matter, and yes I know how stupid that sounds. I can deal with people in a business setting but very much worry about social interaction with others, I was bullied a lot at school which left me finding it very difficult to trust anyone people to be honest with me. I hate the idea of imposing my presence when others are having a good time, I don’t want to be the person at the table that everyone is putting up with to be polite, although realistically I know that I probably have to be that person for a time in order to get anywhere.

7

My PhD was ostensibly in sports medicine but actually cell biology.

8

Don’t worry so much. Just do it. Practice makes perfect.

9

Wow. I read your OP with the feeling I’d written it myself (except I’ve done no more than talk about doing a PhD because I know I’m not motivated enough to even apply)! Your words about needing to be in the right frame of mind to do things is absolutely the same for me - and it’s a difficult thing to get by, especially when you think you’re the only one who has such feelings.

Jjimm’s advice is sound. It’s what I do too. Set small targets, do things that force you to act (eg. promise someone else you’ll do something by a certain time, even if it’s not absolutely necessary) and, above all, make yourself be social at least once a week. My life is slowly turning around as a result - I’ve made new friends and have a new job, for instance. I figure that keeping going on this course can only make me happier and, here’s the thing, when you feel happier you’re more motivated about life in general.

And hey, feel free to PM me or something if you want to talk more personally. Sometimes it’s just good to have someone to talk to - I know about that for sure too!

10

I wish you all the best, aspects of your problems really resonated with me. Your mind is racing at a million miles an hour with all these negative thoughts in your head!

Have you looked into cognitive behavioural therapy at all? That really helped me out, and there are some self help books that might at least get you started. The only link I have is for a New Zealand site, but it has a great questionnaire (called the Self-Defeating Beliefs questionnaire) which can be quite revealing. The site is rational.org.nz

11

Does anyone know what the legal position is with regards to employers requesting medical records in the UK? I know that I’m at liberty to refuse the request but I presume that they are just as at liberty to refuse to employ me on those grounds.

12

Without your express written permission none of your medical records can be made available to any prospective employer.

If you refuse them access then they will, quite naturally, assume that you have something to hide