Need advice with 12 year old son that is close to failing school.

In My Humble Opinion
41

Well, being 21, I am probably closer to 12 than to having a 12-year-old, so I’ll give my perspective of how it was when I was a kid. When I was in 7th grade I also had problems in school. Being an adolecent at that time was pretty difficult too, so I had other problems. Now, the worst grade I ever made on my Report card was a C, but I got punished for it. However, I would suggest working out a way to ground him or something for a substantial amount of time for making bad grades. I agree the homework nagging probably won’t be good. You have to instill some sort of self-control of grades.

But here’s the serious question. How are his friends? What kind of friends does he have and is it common for them to make bad grades like them too? You may be surprised what a kid will do to fit in at that time. I remember not liking the clothes that I had because all of my friend’s clothes weren’t as nice as mine. Its funny, but everything like that matters.

42

Not the kid’s fault. Still, that’s the term for when a father doesn’t bother to wed the mother or make much effort to support the child. How strange that the girl went on to a life of teenage pregnancy, lots of kids and marriage to a hick husband.

[irony meter explodes in background]

My brother’s the true bastard, but that’s another rant entirely.

43

Zenster

absolutely it’s not the kid’s fault, that’s why most polite people do not refer to children as bastard children.

sorry for the hijack, astro.

44

[hijack]

I didn’t write “A bastard *of a *child,” now did I?

And yes, I still call a female dog a bitch.

[/hijack]

45

For all of you who suggest no TV and video games as punishment or no TV and video games until homework is done - How do you suggest that is implemented?

The kid is home by himself for 4 1/2 hours every afternoon/evening. There isn’t anyone there to make sure homework is done or the TV is off.

Any punishment you decide on has to be something you are actually there to enforce. If you say “no TV” but then he is free to watch TV for four hours a day because no one is there to stop him he will think it is a joke.

46

Well I disagree that he should be home for 4 1/2 hours unsupervised for a variety of reasons but that doesn’t answer In Conceivable’s question…

This dilemma was handled a variety of ways by my parents and friends parents:

1 - Take key cables to work with you. Not much works without power or video in.

2 - Have a locking cabinet for games/systems/controllers whatever.

3 - Parental lock code on the cable box.

4 - When you get home from work… is the TV warm? If it was I got myself one hell of a beating. I’m not advocating beating him but if he proves he can’t be trusted to follow house rules (as he pretty much has by not doing homework in the first place) then he needs to lose a privelege or two. Maybe some fun weekend plan gets cancelled because he played with the TV when he was supposed to be doing his homework.

47

Astro:

Most of the other posters are generally correct, i.e. he needs a good mixture of down-home discipline, positive reinforcement, and your personal involvement. But none of that will do any good unless you get your ex-wife on board. Therefore the priority should be getting your ex to understand the importance of good grades. Good luck.

48

Thanks for all responses. I’ve got to admit I’m a little beat down at this point and yet I’ve got a congential fear of just “letting him fail”, but that may be what it takes. In real terms I’ve got no way of enforcing anything when I’m not proximate, and my ex is comfortably swaddled in her comfort zone of “Sure I care and I’ll bitch at him about it, but I’m too tired/disinclined to do anything about it”. She is their mother, however, and in control of their domestic situation 70% of the time and you are all correct that I will have to find someway to get her onboard or anything I do is for naught.

49

I agree with other posters in that you should keep him motivated, punish him for bad grades…etc. etc.

But the biggest problem is definitely those 4 hours home alone. I’ve never raised a 12-year-old and I was a geek in school who did all her homework…but my mother ran an after-school program in the local elementary school (grades 3-5) for ten years. She of course noticed the 5th-grade “I’ll do my homework later” mentality, and started the Homework First club. If your parent decided you were to be a member of the club, you had to finish your homework before doing anything. The homework supervisor for that day made sure you got everything done, because the lesson plans from all teachers were available.

This is what your kid needs. Then, when the grades have risen (as the teachers have assured you they will), give big ol’ rewards. Maybe that’ll prompt some sort of motivation and he’ll either change or grow out of it.

50

Why would you want to reward a child (or anyone for that matter) for doing something that he/she is supposed to do?

51

I’ve been in a similar situation this year with both of my boys (grades 5 & 7). Their teachers have always said that they’re capable of more, they’re not stupid or struggling, but they don’t put any effort into their work. At home, I’ve noticed that if they put half as much work into their homework as they did into avoiding it, we wouldn’t have any problems at all.

This year things have come to a head. They’ve put so little effort into their schoolwork that by the end of the first reporting period, both were in direct danger of failing.

So I sat them down and gave them my final approach to the problem. They’re certainly correct in acting as though I cannot stop them from failing. I can’t. I can’t follow them into the school and hold my hand over their own and make them do their work. I cannot use my intense powers of concentration to make them focus on what is happening in class. I can lead them to the table, but I cannot make them work faster than a turtle on a cold day. I can provide all of the tools to enable them to do well, I cannot make them use them.

Bottom line? I’ve told them that they’re more than welcome to repeat their respective grades as many times as they want to. Andrew can repeat grade 5 until he shaves! Great for him. His life, his choice. He can choose to move forward with his classmates, or he may choose to stay in the grade he is in. If he loves grade 5 that much, I will not make him move to grade 6.

Then I explained what I can do, what I will do, and what I won’t do. I won’t pay for tuition at this school if it’s not going to forward their education. I am paying for a better education, and if they choose not to participate, then I will choose to change schools.

If they are missing internal motivation in their life, then I will do my best to provide external motivation via military school. The only way to prove to me that they now have the internal motivation they have been lacking thus far is to show a marked improvement in their grades, and pass the curriculum assigned to them this year.

I’m only going to make them stay in school as long as they are legally required. If they choose to spend their lives doing manual labour, while it pains me, I’m not going to tear them away from their dreams of pumping gas or asking “Would you like to super-size that”. I’ve told them that I cannot in all good conscience impose my own dreams of higher education, better working conditions and higher wages upon them.

When they have homework, they are required to spend a certain amount of time at the table with a pencil in hand. They don’t have to write. I can’t make them, and I’m not going to waste my evening trying. I’ll sit with them, and help if asked, but the rest is up to them.

They understand the situation completely. My son in grade 7 has decided that the military life is not for him, so he has chosen to improve his grades. My son in grade 5 is still undecided. Some improvements have been made, more hurdles are left. I have told him that he may be able to impress his future classmates by driving himself to school in grade 5, and to be sure to learn the names of those in the lower classes because they will be his peers in a few years. He’s still deciding, but I think he’s starting to lean towards moving forward.

52

Because some people (children especially) don’t find that “supposed to” is sufficient motivation. In a lot of cases, it’s a question of forming a habit. My three year old is supposed to poop in the potty. If I give him chocolate every time he does it, in a few weeks he’s got the habit and the chocolate is irrelevant. He’s not old enough to understand that it’s civilized not to poop on the floor, or that mama is tired of dealing with poopy diapers or washing yucky clothes. Someday he will understand, but what counts right now is that he learn the action.

It works for older kids, too. Yeah, Astrokid is supposed to do his homework. Obviously if he understood why he was supposed to, he would do it. But Astroboy doesn’t have six years to figure it out–he needs to get decent grades now. He needs something to get him going, something to reinforce the behavior so that the habit can get started.

astro, I was another kid who hated doing homework. It bored the living daylights out of me. My mother tore her hair out. Nothing she did worked. When I went to high school, the homework became more difficult as well as more interesting, and I’m a functioning member of society these days, so don’t despair. And I agree he needs more structure after school. I was a latchkey kid from 6th grade on (I’d had babysitters after school until then) but I was never allowed to play outside, or even answer the door, until my parents got home. I’d agree with locking access to the TV and computer and putting away the video games. If nothing else, when he gets bored enough he’ll read a book instead–not perfect, but a more productive way to spend his free time.

Is there something he really likes to do? Play a sport, an instrument, some hobby? Maybe you can show him (in a non-nagging way) how learning stupid things like math or lit or whatever will actually help him with that, even if only to get him into a school where he can study whatever it is that he’s into. Just a thought.

53

I like fatmac98’s response. It’s sad how so many people want to be applauded for doing what they’re supposed to be doing anyway. Chris Rock observed that he’s seen people proudly saying ‘I take care of MY kids. Harumph…’ Rock’s response to this is ‘You’re SUPPOSED to take care of your kids! You don’t get extra credit.’

My suggestion: In addition to the suggested tour of the Shelters and McDonald’s where Seniors work, you could also tell your son that he could always become a telemarketer if he continues on his low acheiving track.

54

I don’t have kids, but, as former about-to-be-sixth-grader who was sent daycare over the summer, I can tell you there’s nothing more mortifying to a kid that age than the suggestion that they’re not responsible enough to look after him/herself(I wasn’t, hence the daycare. I still think mom over-reacted about Dawn and I overflowing her mom’s washing machine, but that’s neither here nor there).

Now, the thing is though, unless you actually carry out on this, it won’t work. If you go the babysitter route, you need to actually line up a babysitter who will be there at least once to greet your son after school. Once he begs/pleads/promises to get his grades up you could let the sitter go, but be prepared to really get one again for the entire next quarter if he doesn’t live up to his end of the bargin. 12-year-olds are great at sniffing out push over behavior in their folks, and usually take advantage of it.

I’ll tell you, after that summer I never did anything foolish (except for one accidentally self-inflicted injury) while home alone again. It’s tough, and he’ll be unhappy, but not as unhappy as he’ll be if the trend continues and he doesn’t get into the college he wants to… at 12 he’s not old enough to think- realistically- of long range consequences of his bad habits, but you are.

55

Astro, there have been lots of suggestions of hiring a tutor for him, which is a great idea. However, if your son is bright enough but bored of the subject, how about having your son get a job tutoring younger children? He might boost his self esteem, make a little money, and have younger kids look up to him. Of course, this means he’ll have to bone up on the subject and do the homework himself. What do you think?