Son is moving back to college this fall. Mother-in-law has decided that’d be a great time to visit him and see his school. She has already booked a hotel there (4 hour drive) for her and FIL.
-FIL has voiced to me and my wife (his daughter) that he really doesn’t want to make the trip.
-Wife goes crazy spending too much time with her mom and rather she not go.
-Son has already expressed to us on how move-in is not a good time to visit and the thought of having a 4 adult posse around while 4 guys are trying to move into an apartment stresses him out.
I’m neutral on this whole thing while they are all passive-aggressive and won’t tell her no. So they all complain to me and want me to come up with an excuse for why she can’t visit.
I’d try the truth but she gets bent out of shape easily and has already cut off her own son and their family for some dumb reason that hurt her feelings.
No, because you can’t keep making up stuff in an effort to circumnavigate the truth simply because it might hurt her feelings and make her lash out. It’s dysfunctional and doomed to failure sooner or later.
The son has to decide which is more important to him, placating her so he doesn’t get cut off or telling her the truth so that he can start to breathe again.
Son should take the lead: “Grandma, move-in week is not a great time to visit. I’ll be way too busy - spending all my time filling the dorm room/apartment/house/hovel, arranging furniture, unpacking boxes, buying books, filling the fridge, just for starters - I won’t have much time to sit, let alone visit with you or take you on a tour of the campus and area. It’s just not going to be possible, and if you come, it’ll only be dissatisfying for you and add to my stress immeasurably.”
Son should make this a definitive statement. It’s not an excuse. It’s the truth.
ETA: If MIL insists and makes the trip, you, your wife, and Son should ignore her, implying, “you were warned.” Alternately, put her to work carrying boxes and running errands.
I think in general this is true, but since the OP’s son is likely a young adult (emphasis on the young part, probably 18-21 years old), I would say that the OP does have a little responsibility to help guide Son to the right response to Temperamental Grandma.
I second this, what Jasmine said. If you keep making polite-sounding excuses, a pushy domineering person like this mother-in-law is just going to cut through them again and again, or never see the actual problem beneath the excuses. You have to confront her firmly.
And, if truthful: “I’d be happy to have you and Grandpa visit me at college, for a day or two, but let’s work together to find a date when I’ll have the time to spend with you.”
Yeah I agree with this. You have some responsibility, the OP presumably has much more experience dealing with the MIL than the son. He is an adult and can decide what kind of relationship he wants to have with his grandmother but you can and should help him work through this.
They may be your in-laws but they are his grand parents. It is seems strange to me that you would call out his grand parents this way, like there is some lessor value placed on them by you
Back in day when I went to college the move in week was THE week that parents and grandparents showed up. They often bought the groceries and things that might be missing that someone forget (good pillows and blankets anybody?). And they likley would take him and possibly his roommates to a nice dinner. Seems to be a standard process.
IMHO, since they have known the boy since he was born and now he is an adult he should have to deal with this himself. Is he afraid they are going to see the bong?
I’d say that’s putting a lot on the son. It’s his grandmother after all, he’s probably a couple of years out from granny being an infallible matriarch who can do no wrong.
I think it’s perfectly reasonable for the OP to intercede here and come up with a reasonable excuse. You can be honest with your son about it, say everything posters have said about how this is kicking the can down the road. When it’s something between you and the MIL by all means set boundaries and stick to them. But no need to involve your son in that, he can decide for himself.
I agree Son is the best to deliver the news. And to decide the outlines of his response to the problem. But … It’s worthwhile for Dad, and Mom, to talk frankly about this with Son to explore the best tactics to achieve whatever strategic result Son wants.
Not knowing the rest of the family dynamic, I’m proceeding from the assumption the Son & Mom don’t take after GM’s communication style, but do have enough insight to recognize it for the crappy way to operate that it really is.
Lastly OP (really, all three of them) should avoid having any hand in inventing lies to tell GM. IMO telling the truth politely and gently but also firmly and no backing down is the only successful way to manage relationships with a GM-like character.
My late MIL was a “Lite” version of that. Not vindictive, but it never occurred to her that anyone had an agenda other than what worked best for her agenda. Took her a long tme to get used to the idea that she had to accomodate other poeple. But she did learn. I mention that only to establish I’m not inexperienced with this sort of problem.
My bottom line:
Don’t pay blackmailers. And that’s what she’s up to: emotional blackmail. It’s a hard habit to break once you get started. If Son hasn’t established the habit of capitulating yet, now’s an excellent teachable moment about all the advantages of never starting to pay blackmail, lest ye be paying it for the rest of GM’s life. And perhaps beyond if she’s the sort to retaliate via her will.
Certainly my parents always helped me move in (and move out) when I was in college in the '80s (my grandmothers were both elderly and unable to really help at that point). But, they were in and out in the same day.
Beyond the issue of Grandma in the OP presuming to make the reservation and plan the trip without input from the parents or the son, is the question of whether Grandma is going to be actually a legitimate source of help during move-in, or if she just wants to visit, see someplace new, and need attention during a busy time for her grandson.
Also in classic “Slashdot” style you’ll notice that we have had a 13 answers (mine included ) and lots of people have commented on the wisdom of the OPers chosen strategy but no one has actually answered the question and suggested a good excuse
How about playing up how busy the son will be, and you are worried about his stress levels? Don’t mention that the son has said anything, instead say that you are worried about how stressful it would be for him and you think it would be overwhelming for him to handle a visit the same week he moves in and the MIL should not visit that week.
The chances that this particular grandma will regard a college age grandson as an adult is very low.
My mother will call/text me and my siblings to ask us to force her 20-33 year old grandchildren to do things or not do things. Doesn’t help that my 59-60 year old siblings will go crying to mommy when I of my sister post “humanist, socialist, blasphemous, profane” things on social media or even in messages.
I don’t know MIL but you could just be honest and tell her that no one else is going at that time because your son will not have time for you. That she can go but she’ll be going alone and he won’t be seeing her or escorting her around campus. Offer Parents’ Day which most colleges usually have in the fall.
“Hi Grandma, move-in weekend isn’t really a great time for a visit, I have to get everything the apartment, unpack, set up my space, then get ready for classes that start that week. I honestly feel bad that I wouldn’t be able to give you the time and focus that you deserve. But I definitely would love to see you and Grandpa, here are a few dates this semester that would work much better.”
Delivered either by your son or wife or both as appropriate. If that leads to her cutting off her daughter and grandson because it hurt her feelings, then there’s literally nothing anyone could do short of rolling over and letting her visit. And being miffed because grandson isn’t spending enough time fawning over her, for the exact reasons he’s already stated.
) and lots of people have commented on the wisdom of the OPers chosen strategy but no one has actually answered the question and suggested a good excuse 