Need help with anger management

In My Humble Opinion
1

I need help with anger management.

I had a situation happen this afternoon and I‘m nor sure how to handle it after the fact. I am divorced and have a 13-year-old son and a 16-year-old daughter who will be 17 this December. She is a senior in high school and stays with her mother full time, but I ferry her from school in the afternoon, and to and from various appointments and functions. She has had a less than stellar academic career, mainly due to not doing homework or finishing assignments on time, and she’s riding an overall C average going into her final year.

She is a smart kid, but is a little scatterbrained and is always screwing herself up academically by leaving things to the last minute, or forgetting due dates for important assignments, and SAT applications and etc. etc. etc.

Long story short, she is having difficulty with pre-calculus and is getting an E so far. I have hired a college senior to tutor her last week, and I am paying her $ 20 an hour to help my daughter ,and have pre-paid $100.00 as good faith gesture. I also bought my daughter a cell phone some time ago, and pay for a cell plan for her so she can call her mother or myself if she needs a ride anywhere, or just needs to make a call. The tutoring classes at the college are on Tuesday and Thursday at 3:30 PM, and I have told her repeatedly to absolutely, positively, no BS be ready to go when school lets out at 3:00 at and let me know ahead of time if there is anything that will interfere so I can tell the tutor.

I was supposed to pick her up this afternoon, so I arrive at 3:00 PM and she doesn’t show. I call the school to make a PA announcement that I am waiting for her and they do. It’s 3:15 and she still doesn’t show. I call her cell phone repeatedly, but there is no pick up. I figure she has forgotten and leave a message on the tutor’s cell that I will be late but to please wait to 4:00 if possible, and I will try to get her there. I race several miles up the road to where the bus will drop her off in front of her mother’s neighborhood. I cruise the neighborhood until 3:50 PM and don’t see her. I call her brother and he indicates she has not arrived at the house. I also call her mother at work to see if she has contacted her for any reason.

I run back to the school and start looking for her inside. A helpful teacher makes another PA call, and finally my daughter comes out harried looking and tells me she is taking an important makeup math test and needs to complete it. I tell her (briefly) how pissed I am, and how she has had everyone spinning in mid air looking for her. I leave and call the tutor and tell her that she cannot make it today and I will call to re-schedule for a later date once I talk with her.

I go back to the school at 5 PM, but still no sign of her and still no pickup on the cell phone. She finally calls me at 5:40 PM to pick her up. At this point I am infuriated beyond all conception. Whatever past irritation and anger I have had over wild goose chases to find her, interminable parking lot waits, scheduling snarls, missed appointments and meeting with school personnel I have had because of her absent minded, inconsiderate, clueless no-call, and no-notice behavior, pales in comparison to the sheer volcano of fury I am holding in.

I pick her up and she begins to explain that her mother woke up late, and that made her late (her mother drives her to school), and she missed the first period math test, and she had to take it after school, and she forgot about the tutor, and she didn’t mean to turn her cell phone ring signal off and… I tell her to shut up and listen. I explain that I ran around the county for an hour looking for her, and put the tutor on hold while I searched. I ask her why she did not respond to the multiple PA pages. She “didn’t hear them” . I ask about the cell phone, and “Oops” she turned the ringer off. I finally ask her why she did not call me if she knew in the morning she was going to stay after for the test so I could call the tutor, and she stares at me blankly then says she forgot she had a tutor appointment (which I have reminded her of every day this week) . I was so angry I was within a whisker of physically striking her. I told her to be quiet and not say another word and we drove home in silence and I dropped her off at her mother’s house.

Now. It’s almost midnight, and I’ve calmed down considerably, but I‘m still sorely pissed at ….what … I don’t know… just the whole goddamn ball of wax, where I’ve got a soon to be 17 year old that doesn’t seem to have any more sense of responsibility than a baby, a smart but lazy girl who can’t seem to get out of her own damn way, and has kept up these irresponsible passive-aggressive delay strategies, and “I forgot” bullshit in one form or another for years now.

I know as the parent I should do better and be more mature emotionally, but I just can’t seem to let go of my low level anger this time and be philosophical about it. I don’t want to be perpetually pissed at her. It’s petty and it’s not a productive or useful way to live or interact with others. How do I move on to a better emotional state of mind?

2

Perhaps a third party might help? Someone who can be objective and tell her what she needs to hear, but without the emotional parental baggage? Maybe a school counseler or something.

It sounds like you are doing a pretty good job, but the message just isn’t getting through to her. 17 is too old to be pulling this shit. Does she have a calender that she carries with her? If not, then she should. She may be one of those people that is incapable of working without a list. I am like that. My tendancy is to try to “remember” everything which means I usually forget. If I keep a list I do much better.

Frankly, maybe you should print this OP out as a letter and show it to her? I don’t know. Good luck! :slight_smile:

3

Hi Astro,
Its perfectly normal to be totally pissed off at things like this. I’d recommend a two step strategy (yes I’m a psychologist - I love my steps okay?)

One - dealing with anger.
When we get angry, all sorts of physiological changes happen and as you know, we are geared up for a damn good fight. Since its not really advisable to fight everyone who pisses us off, we have to get rid of the build up somehow. Now many people recommend taking a nice walk and having a think and waiting for the anger to go away. But I don’t. I recommend bashing something like a bed or tennis balls or a punching bag until that action potential is released.

Two - dealing with your daughter’s lack of responsibility
Kids are often a pain in the bum. Unfortunately because you are trying to be such a good parent and protect your kid, she is not learning the consequences of her actions. But she’s not a kid any more. If she wants to forget about appointments, then thats just fine, but there has to be consequence of that for her. For a start, you don’t come running down to pick her up whenever she calls, she has to catch the bus. Secondly, she has to pay for the tutor out of her allowance. Its called tough love. It’s hard, but it produces adult responsibility. In trying to protect her and make everything okay, you have got a teenager who is still a kid. Yes she’s going to make mistakes and screw up and it is so painful to watch. But you can’t be her buffer to the world and expect her to learn responsibility if YOU wear the consequences, not her.

Take for example one mother. Loves her kids and does everything for them. Her adolescent son won’t clean his room, its a damn stink bomb in there and an eyesore. So I say, just shove it all in garbage bags and put it in the garage. Everytime he wants something, he’ll have to go to the garage and he will get frustrated and he’ll learn that yes he can be messy if he wants, but it has a price.

Needs some creativity, but it works. Also, make sure you explain clearly that this is a consequence of behaviour X so they understand. Yes they’ll be pissed off at you for a while, but eventually you might even win their respect and they can come to you for advice.

Best wishes.

4

In a nutshell “This, too, will pass”.

I have a just turned 17 year old that gave me the same kind a crap. For 3 years, she did things at the last minute, if at all, “I forgot” were the only words I think she knew, and I was ready to ship her off somewhere because I was tired of her irresponsibility. We had tutors, I woke her up in the mornings for school, I was constantly on her case about assignments…I finally took her out of school and tried homeschool. That didn’t work either. I couldn’t get her out of bed, she blew off her work or cheated her way through it.

She is now back at public school. She is doing great. She has developed a sense of responsiblity and is a joy. What happened?

She suffered the consequences of her actions. After all that tutoring and homeschooling and special attention to her needs, I let her fail. As a result, she has to repeat a grade and will not graduate with her friends.

I refused to get her up in the mornings for school, if she got detention for being tardy, that was her problem, and, she was also grounded from her computer/friends/phone.

I refused to do her laundry, if she didn’t have anything to wear if we were going out, then she wasn’t allowed to go.

In essence, I made her take responsibility. So far, so good. She calls 30 minutes ahead of curfew if she is going to be a few minutes late. She is making good grades and is helping others, she helps out more around the house etc…

I know what it means to be so angry with your child you want to do them physical harm. Part of your anger, I think, is worry that something had happened to her. I don’t think a 16 year olds brain is geared to think about how their actions effect other people. You have to let it go. Before you do though, tell her how today’s situation made you feel. Then, stay mad at her if you need to. One thing that bothers my teen more than anything is when I am mad and won’t speak to her beyond “You dissapointed me and I am angry”.

Is she employed? That, too, works wonders.

5

On preview, I see that Lyllyan nailed it.

My 16 y.o. son, same basic situation. Letting go is extremely difficult. I had the vague, panicky feeling that if I didn’t help him, didn’t always do something, he’d…what? I dunno, die? snort

No, he’ll just fail or miss his ride or whatever natural consequence follows whatever choice he makes. Just like in the real world. Now he just pretty much deals with whatever happens, and he gets better with practice. Not perfect, but I’m not perfect at letting go either. I still worry but it’s not the same irrational anxiety anymore.

And a nice side-effect of backing off is that we both got to get off the roller-coaster. Our relationship improved when I got out of his face and let just let the kid fall down. He seems more willing to talk to me, more open to discussion and much happier. He’s finding out that he can (more or less) pick himself up just fine.

Good luck. :slight_smile:

6

The pissed off you’re feeling likely has something to do with:

Feeling like a sucker for going to all this effort for someone who isn’t willing to go to the effort for herself.

What you’ve done is put yourself in a position where you’re more responsible for your daughter’s education than she is (or should be).
You’re acting on what you want for her.
You set up and paid for the tutor
You made the appointment
You told her no BS, absolutelypositively…
You chose to run around frantically looking for her and
You chose to be all panicky about this stuff
You are the one who is being let down because
You have expectations that aren’t being met

because,

the meeting of your expectations isn’t totally within your power. You’re depending on your daughter to meet your needs, essentially. That’s a set-up if I’ve ever seen one.

You probably got more pissed off about it as the whole thing unfolded because you were trying desperately not to feel like a sucker and probably got angry to cover it up.

She’s probably being passive aggressive because 1) she can get away with inaction knowing she’ll be taken care of. 2) it’s her way of taking control of her life.

To deal with your anger, learn to prevent situations wherein you’re going to feel victimized and overstretched. Learn to identify your own needs and not to expect others to meet them. Learn to be responsible TO people not FOR them.

7

“You probably got more pissed off about it as the whole thing unfolded because you were trying desperately not to feel like a sucker and probably got angry to cover it up.”

In retrospect everyone’s advice is good, but your observation re this dynamic is probably the closest to how it was actually going down inside my head with respect to the frustration, embarrassment and mild panic I was feeling.

Also in retrospect, I suspect she was lying to me about forgetting about the tutor. I just can’t see how she would forget after being reminded so many times. I suspect what she really forgot, was that she had this math makeup scheduled after school, until the very last minute, and then decided to blow off the tutor (and me) in order to take it. I think she didn’t call me, because she knew how pissed I would be after repeatedly asking her to make absolutely sure these times were cleared, and then forgetting about the makeup. I’m frightened to death about what’s going to happen to her in the real world unless she wakes up.

Anyway, you’re all correct, it’s mainly my problem, and how I choose to let her behavior affect me, and that’s where I need to address it. My exhortations to get her to be more responsible have been more or less useless over the last several years, and have only taught her how to more adroitly manipulate situations to get people to leave her alone. Thanks for the input.

8

Astro, what happens if she doesn’t get a ride from you or her mother? Can she safely get home on her own?

This is one small area where you might be able to institute some natural consequences–if she doesn’t call or show up when you expect her, she’s got to ride the bus/walk/whatever.

I mention this because I’ve gone through this with my sons. We live a few minutes–maybe a mile-- from school, and they have repeatedly missed the bus, which means I have to drag out of bed (where I’m catnapping for an hour between Job1 and Job2), get the babies up, and drive them to their schools.

Every kid has a button, and I determined to find it. First, I made sure that they were late by a few minutes each time, which eventually meant detentions. They still missed the bus. Then, I let them walk, which meant…well, walking, plus made them late. Still, they missed the bus.

I grounded, I got furious, I yelled and removed privileges, and they missed the bus. Finally, I found their buttons, and we have a new policy.

Allowances now go into a jar at the beginning of the month. If they miss the bus, they get the phone book and call a cab, and pay for it out of the jar. At the end of the month, they keep whatever allowance is left.

It’s mid-month and t hey haven’t missed it yet. We’ll see how it goes, but I think it may work.

You’re right to be worried about your daughter, of course, but no amount of getting angry will make her be more responsible. This is one she will have to learn on her own, and experience will teach her much more effectively than you can. It will take some time and some bitter experiences, but eventually she’ll get it, I think…most of us do at some point.

Good luck.

Best,
karol

9

astro, I’m willing to bet that your daughter doesn’t forget anything that she personally is interested in. It might be time for you to let your daughter fail and let her deal with the consequences. It’s second nature for parents to want their children to do their best, but it’s the child who has to do the work. If your daughter has to deal with unpleasant situations without you to bail her out, I think she’ll change her ways pretty quickly.

10

I have a 14 year old son.

After going round and round with him, we have determined that he is old enough to start suffering the consequences of his actions. It’s made things a bit calmer, and he’s starting to mature a bit.

I know it’s hard, because you’re the Daddy and she’s your Little Girl and you have to protect her from the Big Bad World and make sure nothing Bad Ever Happens.

The hardest thing the parent can do is let go and watch the kid fall flat on their face.

But believe me…it’s best in the long run. Once she realizes she has to stand up on her own, she’ll be more concerned about stumbling, since she knows you won’t be there to pick her up.

Hang in there.