Tomorrow night is the pledge drive edition of my radio show, The Zen Arcade (poorly updated blog here). Back in the fall I started a tradition: since my audience was more likely to respond to outright threat than to gentle persuasion, I promised to play the worst bilge imaginable until I had raised my goal. It was fun, and it got the dollars in, so I’m doing it again!
I thought I’d throw it out there and get some ideas for horrible music I can play. Really, nothing is too cruel. Here’s the Crapfest Playlist from the fall, to prime the pump.
You need at least one song by the king of autotune, T.Pain. Actually, if you made your songlist ALL songs heavy on autotune, that might solve your problem right there.
Anything from the “Golden Throats” (Look it up on Wikipedia) series would work but “Try A Little Tenderness” by Jack “just the facts” Webb should not be missed.
Aerosmith - “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing”
Rascal Flatts - “Skin”
Toby Keith - “Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue (The Angry American)”
Kid Rock - “All Summer Long”
Kenny Chesney - “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy”
Michael W. Smith - “Lord I Give You My Heart”
Poison - “Nothin’ But a Good Time”
Jonas Brothers - “Burnin’ Up”
The Decemberists - “O Valencia!”
Jewel - “You Were Meant For Me”
Trace Adkins - “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk”
Train - “Meet Virginia”
Five For Fighting - “Superman”
Blessid Union of Souls - “Hey Leonardo (She Likes Me For Me)”
4 Non Blondes - “What’s Up?”
Bon Jovi - “It’s My Life”
Oy. I think I’ll stop there for now.
ETA: Okay, how could I forget this li’l audio butt nugget? 3 Doors Down - “Kryptonite”
Styx, “Come Sail Away”? If you’ve seen the South Park episode where one of them can’t even bear to hear the opening notes of the song without compulsively having to sing the rest of the song through, this becomes an even more fun choice.
Or how about a set of nothing but “Honey” by various singers? Like those listed in Wikipedia:
Ed Ames (1968)
Sandro (1968) (“Querida” - “Quiero llenarme de ti”, 1968)
Björn Ulvaeus (Swedish-language version called Raring, 1968)
Eddy Arnold (Romantic World of Eddy Arnold, 1968)
Percy Faith (Angel of the Morning-Hit Themes for Young Lovers, 1968)
David Houston (Already It’s Heaven, 1968)
John D. Loudermilk (Country Love Songs Plain and Simply Sung, 1968)
Charlie Louvin (Will You Visit Me on Sunday, 1968)
Roger Miller (A Tender Look at Love, 1968)
Jimmy C. Newman (Born to Love You, 1968)
Gary Puckett & The Union Gap (Young Girl, 1968)
Tammy Wynette (D-i-v-o-r-c-e, 1968)
Dean Martin (Gentle on My Mind, 1968)
Leon Ashley (Mental Journey, 1969)
Jack Greene (Love Takes Care of Me, 1969)
Hank Snow (Hits Covered by Snow, 1969)
Lynn Anderson (Big Girls Don’t Cry, 1971)
Orion (Reborn, 1978)
Jim Nabors (Country Side of Jim Nabors, 1994)
Roger Whittaker (Feelings, 1994)
Sil Austin (Great Sax, 1995)
Billy Joe Winghead (Precious Moments with Billy Joe Winghead, 2003)
Lawrence Welk (Upstairs at Larry’s: Lawrence Welk Uncorked, 2004)
Hana Zagorova (Hany, 1973)
Andy Williams (Honey, 1968)
Daniel O’Donell (From Daniel With Love, 2004)
Frankie Laine (Take me back to Laine Country, 1968)
That should leave 'em screaming for mercy. The Swedish language version would be a real treat. It could take the place of waterboarding.
Weird Al Yankovich’s parody of R. Kelly’s “Trapped in the Closet,” called “Trapped in the Drive-Thru.” Or maybe skip the comedic potential of that one and just go for the original. See how many chapters you can get through before people are begging for relief.
C’mon - no one mentions Biz Markie’s “Just A Friend”? What kinda lame crapfest is this?
*Oh you - you got what I need
But you say he’s just a friend
You say he’s just a friend
Oh darling, you, you got what I need. . . . *
