Need opinions: Whose family is the weird one?

In My Humble Opinion
1

The other day my SO, his mother and I went to see Harry Potter 3. SO decided it was his turn to shout me, so he went off down the escalator to get some cash from the ATM. I went with his mother, who was lining up to buy her ticket. We got to the counter, and his mother ordered 3 tickets. (I don’t know why she was going to pay for all of us…) The server asked if the card was EFTPOS, and it was, and the theatre doesn’t take EFTPOS. Well, SO’s Mum had given her credit card to SO’s brother. So, I asked her if she had any cash. She didn’t, so I handed over $10 and paid for her ticket.

I handed her the ticket and we walked to the top of the escalator.

…
That’s it! No “Thank you for buying my ticket.” No “I’ll pay you back when I see you next.” Nothing. I got her out of a sticky situation, and she said nothing. I am entertaining the thought that she was embarrassed that I had to buy her ticket for her, but she (IMHO) is not the type to be embarrassed about something like that.

Anyway, afterwards when I was alone with my SO, I mentioned it to him that she hadn’t said thank you or anything. His response? He said that when people get familiar/close to people they don’t have to thank each other any more, because it’s just implied. :dubious:

For example (he said), if I take you out for dinner, I already know you appreciate it, so you don’t have to say thank you.

Well, I’ve always been taught to say please and thank you whenever someone does something for you. Just to be polite!
E.G. “Mum, can you please pass me the salt.” ::gets passed the salt:: “Thank you.”

I had a bit of trouble with my family thinking SO does not mind his P & Qs, and now I know why!

So, what is the consensus? Do you continue saying “thank you” when you are familiar with people? Or not? Was SO’s Mum’s (un)response impolite? Or not?

Whose family is the weird one?*

  • Direct quote from SO “But, your family’s the weird one!” (In jest)
2

Both are perfectly normal families; one is more casual, one is more formal. To each other, one looks like a bunch of graceless slobs, and to the other, the first looks like a pack of stuffy snobs.

This is the flip side of casual behavior. On the one hand, she didn’t say thank you; on the other hand, she was going to buy your ticket without any expectation of thanks. You’re family, so thanks are not necessary (nor entirely welcome, I suspect). Reciprocation at a later date keeps the books balanced.

3

I think please and thank yous are appropriate even in casual family settings. It’s the kinder, polite, respectful thing to do.

Why should you be more polite to a coworker or casual acquaintence than to your family?

4

Of course you should still say thank you whenever anyone does something for you, no matter how close you are. That said, I frequently forget to do so. Also, it can get to be a bit of a comedy routine if you say thank you for everything:“Thank you, yes I do like to have you touch me there, yes thank you for that touch, too and that one, and that one, and that one…did I miss saying thank you for one? I’m sorry, I do mean to thank you.” Then answer is to strike a happy medium. Your SO’s mom should have said thank you, but maybe she was thinking about something else and forgot.

I have had the “your family is the weird one” discussion, too.

5

That is pretty much SO’s opinion. Although, my family doesn’t think his family is a “bunch of graceless slobs”!

6

Well, I wouldn’t call one family or the other any names. But I can’t think of anyone I’ve known who was of the opinion that it wasn’t necessary to thank someone with whom you’re intimately familiar, based on that familiarity. I say please and thank you to people every day. I thank my wife for making dinner one day, she thanks me for it the next. She even thanks me for mowing the lawn and making the place look spiffy. If either of us has done something nice for the other, anything, from getting a napkin or a cold drink to bringing in the groceries or feeding the kitties, I don’t think it’d occur to us not to say thank you. It’s how we were raised, and I guess however one was raised is what one thinks is “normal.”

7

Yeah, that’s true. But, I was just after a consensus. Essentially, which way were more people raised? I’d never heard that point of view (that he expressed) before.

8

I was raised to always thank people, no matter who they are. My mom always taught me that when you stopped saying thank you, you might start taking for granted what is being done for you, or it could be implied from your behavior that you are taking something for granted. My take on it is a bit more selfish: it’s positive reinforcement. So, if my husband takes me out to a romantic dinner, and I say, “Oh, thank you, Mr. Overly. That was so sweet of you,” he’s a lot more likely to do it again than if I didn’t recognize the gesture at all. Same for the smaller, seemingly less important things, and vice versa. If he makes an effort to thank me for something - anything, even going to the grocery and remembering to pick up lemonade because I know he likes it - I’ll remember it and be more likely to repeat the behavior because I know it makes him happy, and it makes me feel good to hear him say so.

9

Yes, SO’s mom should have said “thank you.” She forgot. I’d suggest lynching her at dawn except for the fact that she’d have bought your ticket for you had the theatre accepted EFTPOS – whatever that is. So her oversight is worth a shrug at best. Besides, unless you thank her for every soda you drink and every potato chip you eat while at her house, you’re expecting tit without giving tat.

10

That’s the thing, SO doesn’t think she did forget. Just that she didn’t think she needed to thank me.

That incident was just an example; how I came to know his opinion. I’m not seriously offended by it. I don’t agree with the statement given above. It’s going completely overboard to thank for every chip eaten. I suspect you think that too. Besides, you implied that you would have expected a thank you in the situation outlined above, and I’m sure you don’t thank for “every chip”.

11

EFTPOS = Electronic Funds Transfer at Point Of Sale

There are credit cards and keycards. A keycard allows you to withdraw money from an ATM but doesn’t work as a credit card. EFTPOS lets you use the keycard at the Point of Sale (the checkout, the movie booth, whatever) to pay for your purchases.

I’m unaware of an American term for this system, but EFTPOS is what we call it and it’s widely available. You can use EFTPOS at petrol stations, supermarkets and even McDonalds. Just not movie theatres.

12

Of course I don’t expect a thank you for every chip. My point is that over time she’s undoubtedly spent on you an amount equal to, or in excess of, the money you spent on her last night. So instead of being hung up over the utterance of two words (or the lack thereof), consider the movie ticket a small “thank you” to her for the generosity she has shown you in the past.

13

I agree with your point. But, it is irrelevant. I would have expected her to say thank you even if she had funded my upbringing. And, as I’ve said before, I’m not hung up on it, I simply related the story as an introduction to my post, and to garner opinions on the incident.

I wouldn’t have even posted except that SO expressed the opinion stated above with regard to “thank yous”, and implied that his view is the “normal” one. I posted to see if I am indeed unusual in this regard, after all, I am all for fighting ignorance (which could be my own in this case)! :wink:

14

Thank you for the translation…I was just about to ask.

EFTPOS would be a debit card here…a bit easier to prounounce…takes the money straight out of your checking account without having to write a check (or cheque) and you can get (at places like grocery stores) cash back in change up to a certain limit, but you can’t take out more than your balance. Actually, that part isn’t true. It is unfortunately easy to overdraw your account, and then the bank will instantly charge you an overdraft fee and put you into serious debt for 13 cent errors. But enough about me…what does “shout me” mean? I’m assuming it means “treat me… or, pay for my ticket” but I’m curious as to the origins.

15

Yes, to shout somebody means to pay for them. I’m not sure where it comes from. No doubt someone in the know will be along to inform us soon.

16

My husband and I thank each other all the time. Much like overlyverbose, it’s a combination of not wanting to take anything for granted, and positive reinforcement. I say thank you even when it’s something as simple as after dinner taking my plate along with his to the kitchen. Some might say that those close to us know that we appreciate the things they do for us, but I like to actually say it out loud, because it makes life a little bit sweeter, I think.

17

We say please and thank you in our family. Just because it’s a family member doesn’t mean you shouldn’t let them know you appreciate their actions. And I never want to get to the point where I assume people will do things for me, so I remember to thank them.

After I got to be adult enough to be friends with my mother, we would often do things together, and fairly frequently that involved stopping somewhere for lunch. It was always something of a race to see which of us could get the money to the cashier first, as she wanted to treat me and I wanted to treat her. But whoever lost the race always said thank you.

18

I was raised in a “thank you” for pretty much everything home. My closest friend where I live now was not. She had a “change” baby four years ago. Just by being around me on average once a week, and hearing me say “thank you” to his mother and him, the kid started saying it at appropriate times more than a year ago. Possibly it was because he was geeked that I’d say it to him, when I’m an “old lady”. :slight_smile: I’m rather pleased he picked it up, and by her behavior, I think his mother is, too.

On the whole, I like politeness better, but there are some very good/nice people in the world who don’t have the habit. I’ve always felt it was better to simply accept people as I find them (or leave them alone). I’m assuming your SO has his place in your life for good and sufficient reason. :cool: However, this is one of those issues you’ll need to think through (i.e., will this drive me over the edge when other stresses arise?) before you consider marriage and/or reproducing with him.

19

Everybody’s family is the weird one. When you can accept that his family is crazy as hell and so is yours, you’re on the track to true happiness.

That being said, I try to be a please-and-thank-you sort of person with my loved ones, especially when they’ve gone out of their way for me. Sometimes I forget, but I do at least make the effort. Part it’s the whole idea of not taking it for granted, or making them feel unappreciated, but mostly it’s just that I consider such things basic common courtesy. I thank waiters for handing me my food, strangers for holding doors for me, and people at work for handing me an ink pen. There’s no reason in the world for me to treat strangers better than I treat my family.

And all that being said, I’d also like to point out that the a man who considered my family a bunch of stuck-up snobs (assuming I disagreed with him, of course) would be out the door, and the man who called my family a bunch of stuck-up snobs would be in for a massive ass-kicking.

20

Yes. You can shout somebody anything, but the term strictly refers to buying a round of beers in a pub. In this case, it is not a gift. The shout must be returned. I assume the term originated in noisy, crowded pubs where one had to literally shout to get the attention of the bar staff.