All right, here’s the scenario. My 8-year-old brother and his “crew” have challenged me to a snowball fight.
Yes, i’m much bigger then all of them put together, but memories from my camp counselor days remind me of how much damage 8 or 9 screaming Mini Bravehearts can do to a guy
My point: I NEED ONE ASS KICKIN’ SNOWFORT
We’re talking moats, palisades, oubliettes… (a catapult couldn’t hurt)
Any suggestions would be most welcome, as I’ve only got so long to build the thing…
Upham
Aw, you’re such a good big brother!
Make sure you have plenty of premade snowballs!
Make a moat by peeing in the snow around the fort. The kids will have an aversion to crossing it, especially if they see you do it.
I’m not kidding, it might work.
Frozen dog-doo works too. Place it everywhere - that will keep them at a distance.
A catapult would rule!!!
Imagine, from behind the impenetrable ice-wall flies a volley of some 200 snowballs. I can just hear the squeals of ecstatic dismay.
Anthracite: the peeing thing’s not such a bad idea, except this battle to end all battles is suposed to take place in the feild behind my house…
Local families may have some qualms…
And yes, a Catapult would kick royal ass
I love building snowforts!
I try to find a place that already has a bunch of snow piled up, like from the snowplow, our road is not traveled much, so it’s fairly safe. If you live by a busy street, don’t do it next to the road. Or if you have a big pile from shoveling you can use that. Then start by making a tunnel (you will get a lot of extra snow by tunneling) through the pile. Then where you plan on doing battle punch a hole in the roof of the tunnel and build up the snow for protection. Do this on two ends and you can sneak through the tunnel to each end of the fort. I do it on either side of my two-car driveway, where there are large piles of snow already there.
Ideally the snow will be sticky enough that you can just clump it together and it will stick, otherwise try and find the large chunks that are premade (like from the snowplow), and pile them and stick more snow between them, like you are building a dry stone wall.
A few years ago I build a great fort, with a tunnel all the way around my corner, with a wall that was taller than I was, it must of been at least 6’ high.
it really doesn’t matter how magnificent the fort is.
you will lose.
an army of two little ones would take you out no problem. you are up against eight or nine?
you will lose.
but if you insist on fighting them…
what you want is a structure that surrounds you completely, restristing access except through one entrance. this way you won’t be surrounded, leading to your doom.
to ensure the walls will hold, you should make them super thick, and spray them with water days prior to the battle to form an icy barrier.
if you can, make the path to your one entrance a treacherous one. the use of animal waste is a fine suggestion. anything that will slow them down to give you assault and/or retreat time is advantageous.
something you may want to consider as a last resort: high-power water guns & buckets of water. while this may be somewhat painful for your enemy, it could secure your victory.
Well, i bring bad news from the battlefront. I didn’t have quite enough time with the fortifications, not that it really mattered. I was routed in an all out surprise attack, the likes of which Rommel could never have imagined in his wildest dreams.
It’s funny how at moments like this the phrase “Jesus, go easy i just had surgery” will have utterly no effect, other then remind you that you’re a damn fool for thinking you could ever take on (as it turned out)12 shrieking, sugar buzzed, Christmas crazed 8 year olds.
I never had a chance.
Feeling lucky to have survived the onslaught, i made my second error. We’re doing it again next week.
Upham
The answer to all your snow fort needs.
http://atlas.csd.net/~gmenge//icebox/
The best defense is a good offense. Pound the little buggers with watermelon sized snowballs (sure to knock them to the ground, especially if you hit them in the head) iceballs, and slushballs (made from the filthy brown half-snow you’ll find on the road). And always aim for the face. It’s the exposed skin that matters. As has been already mentioned, water is a deadly weapon. This is pretty brutal treatment for 8-year olds, but you’re outnumbered, you have to play hardball.
I wish I knew the first thing about snow forts. Or even snow for that matter. Never played in the stuff before- never seen it. See it in movies though. Florida sucks sometimes…
I would say to use lots of booby traps and prefreeze a few deadly charge stoppers in the freezer a few days before. Knock out the leader and that will dampen their spirits!
Good luck and God Speed!