They got Bob...

The BBQ Pit
1

So I’m on my way out of the house to pick up Lola, the girls are strapped into their respective rocket chairs and all seems well. I pull away from the house and admire the masterpiece that is Bob, our snowman.

We all worked very hard yesterday to make the best looking snowman in the neighbourhood, I sculpted the head so that Bob looked pretty human and the kids helped with the arms and legs. Around here three balls of snow just doesn’t cut it. We had a blast doing it.

So we pick up the mommy from school and after dropping off the boys lunches I drop Lola off at home before I take the girls to the sitters.

I’d been gone all of twenty five minutes and in that brief period of time some low life, homicidal (or should I say snowicidal), snot nosed little cretin has decided to murder Bob.

THEY GOT BOB! THE BASTARDS!!!

His head was fucking gone, well… almost. The back of his skull was lying next to the body but his face, ears, and big assed smiling face was gone.

Not only did they murder him but they took the masterpiece that was his head as a fucking trophy!

This is war my friends. My daughter was very upset that someone had hurt our snowman and that shit doesn’t fly around here. Whoever this pus filled excuse for a human being is they will know my wrath.

Now I’m torn, should I just leave him as is but add some red food colouring to the stump where his head was attached and splatter a little more around what remains of his head? Halloween is coming…

Or should I rebuild him? I have the technology to do it and this would let whatever little prick that killed him know that we will not be beaten.

Of course I’ll have to do what I should have done yesterday, and that would be to spray Bob2 with water so that he becomes hard as a rock. Then, when the little killer or killers return they’ll break their freaking hands on him when they will undoubtedly try to take another trophy.

And if I catch them I will introduce them to the special yellow snow I have in the backyard. Can you say “facewash”?

You just don’t mess with the happiness of my little girl and get away with it.

2

A snowman? Where are you, Barrow?

3

Close, he is, IIRC, in Edmonton. It isn’t the end of the world, but you can see it from there.

4

We can rebuild him. We have the technology.
We have the capability to make the world’s first Bionic snowman.
Bob will be that snowman. Better than he was before.
Better . . . stronger . . . faster.

5

I second the spraying Bob2 with water. You can use a lot of water, more than you’d expect, and then you’ll have an invincible Iceman. When I was little, I did it once, and when the snow melted in the spring, the last thing to go was my Iceman. Tell us how it goes!

6

[Cue: Ominous dramatic music]
[Cue: Baritone voice announcer]

Reinforced steel girder skeleton.
2.5 cm solid ice coating.
Tiny cameras lodged in button eyes.
Laser-cannon carrot nose.
M80 coal buttons.
Flower boutonniere [TOP SECRET - ACCESS DENIED].

They thought he was destroyed.
But he’s back.
And he’s mad as hell.

RoboFrosty.

Don’t make him use his broomstick on you.

Coming soon to a front-yard near you.

7

I really like the red coloring idea. My suggestion is take a page from Calvin and Hobbes: put red food coloring on Bob 1’s neck, then build Bob 2 (with icy shell) gaping in horror at Bob 1.

8

I was actually thinking of reinforcing him with some rebar…

My biggest problem would be that’s it’s warming up here, not that it’s been all that cold (yet). I may run out of suitable base materials (snow) and may have to wait until more of the white stuff falls.

That will just give me more time to work on designing an indestructible killer snowman.

Be afraid… I have snow and I’m not afraid to use it.

9

I think you intended BOOMstick, yes?

10

Don’t spray the snowman! He didn’t do anything wrong. Spray the vandal.

Rebuild and then set up a IR motion sensor, electronically controlled valve, and a high-flow sprinkler system (wrap the pipes with a heating coil as used for freezer defrost efluent drains, to keep the water liquid.) The murdering bastard comes back and gets a nice cold shower for his trouble. Cameras would be cool too. Or you could just hide with a hose in hand. Vandals need to suffer.

11

If you spray him with cold water he may die.

I vote we make him crap his pants.

Rebuild the snowman, only this time place multiple explosive devices, wire these decives to a simple trigger and place said trigger in your house. Now you’ll need to have more devices than the ones just in the snowman, scatter them around the yard.

Place a sign saying, “Do not touch the snowman. Doing so cold be dangerous.”

Wait.

When you see the punk(s) comming back wait for them to get close to the snowman before detonating it, then when they try to flee set off the other charges blowing everything around them to hell.

This isn’t as dangerous as it sounds (this from the guy who made exploding stuffed bunnies for easter [LOONNNNGG story]) ya know those little firecrackers that skip around and explode? One of those makes a nice head sized crater and you can hold those suckers in your hand. So you can make a scary ass explosion with something easilly under the deadly range.

If that doesn’t work, run them down on the street :stuck_out_tongue:

12

Oh, weee’vvve got time, haven’t we, folks…

13

So I’m reading this site in conjunction with watching Thin Red Line on dvd and also mixed up your thread title with the adjacent “What wrong down there?” thread.

This caused me to re-vision the Thin Red Line scene in which Woody Harrelson gets his gonads blown off, only in my version all he can scream is “NO! THEY GOT BOB! NOOOOOOO!!!”

Just thought I’d share.

14

This is an outrage!

I’ve contacted a friend in the RCMP who has promised to launch a discrectionary investigation. The perpetrators of this unprovoked felonious assault will be brought to justice.

Sure, it’s starts with an innocent snowman, but if we allow these crimes to go unpunished, it’ll be the end of civilization as we know it.

Too bad we did away with capital punishment.

15

Slip - I can use all the help I can get.

I have some suspects who I’ll be watching closely and the scary thing is that the perp could very well be one of my neighbours.

This used to be such a safe neighbourhood but now it’s not even safe for snowmen.

We must bring the perpetrator of this crime to justice and make them an example to anyone who might consider assaulting an innocent snowperson.

Sure, Bob was different but that was no reason for someone to come along and take him out in such a heinous manner. I apologize to any readers who may have been appalled at the graphic nature of this crime, I should have posted a warning as decapitation is never pretty.

Revenge in this case will surely be a dish served cold.

16

I always wanted to make a snowman and put him on a toilet, looking like he was really using it.
I feel sorry for Bob. We need a moment of silence.
Loved the explosion idea.

17

I cannot believe that they came into your yard and did this crime! What is the world coming to, what is Bob coming to? I say rebuild him, bigger and better.

18

Poor Poor Bob! I hate to tell ya this, but the forecast is for nice warm weather this weekend. The rest of bob will be a puddle. A pretty puddle at that, but still a puddle.

Of course, you could scrape Bob up and put him in a pail and “bob” for apples on Halloween with his remains.

Next time you are going to build a masterpiece let me know so I can drive by…heh!

19

How about using concrete sprayed with that clingy stuff that looks like snow. If they smack Bob II with a fist, won’t they be surprised!

20

:mmmphhh:

My family entered a snow sculpting contest and our entry was a bear sitting in an outhouse.

We won second place…

I look forward to hearing about Bob2, and the method you choose to combat the serious crime of assaulting a snowperson.