I’d suggest you get your fertility checked out. You may not have that long. Many women experience a steep decline in their fertility in their 30s.
I agree, I didn’t want o get too explicit on this but you’re already slightly on the downslope.
Can you do that, just walk into your OBGYN and ask for, like, a fertility profile, even if you haven’t been trying at all? Would insurance pay for it?
Have you flat out asked him if he would marry you and start a family [I if* you agreed to raise the kids religiously? What would be his conditions then?
If you haven’t had such an explicit talk, I suggest you do. it’s the least you both can do. And make a serious issue of the question, set a time apart to talk about it, let him prepare an answer. Don’t allow yourself of him to sidestep the issue with a joke, or with a loving sweet remark. Especially not with a loving remark: the confusing thing here for you both is that he may genuinely love you, and yet still not have marriage and kids on his mind, at least not with you. In this case, loving eacht other should be expressed in the honesty and clarity of what each wants, and how much each is willing to compromise.
It could also be prudent for both of you to have your fertility checked. At the very least, you could save on birth control, and at least you know what you are dealing with.
I was in the same boat as you. I had a relationship with a great guy, but he didn’t want to marry of have kids with me. My current husband of three years does. We now live in the same apartment building as my ex, and he is a cross between a brother and a very good friend.
I mean, the fact is, the guy’s still quite young. He may well not just honestly be ready to think marriage yet. Which is fine, you know? But the fertility thing does worry me.
Probably not on the insurance question. Most insurance won’t pay unless you’ve been trying for a year - six months if you are of a certain age. Plus, the chances you’ll find out much are pretty slim on a simple hormone scan. Our fertility baseline came up fine - and after tens of thousands of dollars worth of work ups for both him and me, we were told “we don’t know why you aren’t pregnant.”
My infertility experience is that some people get pregnant easily, even at advanced ages - some people never get pregnant and started trying at 20. But your best chance is to start relatively young and give yourself plenty of time (which doesn’t mean I think you should have kids when you are sixteen, just that its my belief that if you want kids, you have to be aware of diminishing fertility and a reduced number of cycles to take advantage of them once you get to be in your late 20s/early 30s). Part of giving yourself plenty of time means not wasting a lot of time with people who don’t want kids (or don’t want them with you), because it simply takes time to find a guy who you want to not only spend the rest of your life with but raise kids with.
You might get a routine checkup on Chlamidia and other symptomless VD’s. Chlamydia is the number one cause of infertility amongst women. Men can have it, too.
As for your SO, I believe (no cite) that doing a sperm count is not that expensive. As it shouldn’t be; a test amounts to lttle more then him jacking of in a petri dish and someone checking the dish to see if it the contents are wriggly enough. 
He might even get a free one if he decided, unethically, to get himself tested as a sperm donor.
But that’s not the reason he is giving, is it? If it was this, he would have told you that. He’s young, but not too young to know his own feelings and express himself. It looks like you’re looking for any possibility to cling onto, to give you hope, to justify more inaction and more waiting around.
I do find it odd that someone who doesn’t even go to church and sees nothing wrong with “livin in sin” would have this as a true deal-breaker. Why would he even be in a long-term relationship with an atheist/agnostic, if this was so important to him? Do you guys talk about religion a lot? Does he even try to convince you that God exists? Or is this a topic that only comes up when you guys are discussing marriage and kids?
I’m usually impressed by the quality of advice on this board and this thread is no different. To be fair to your guy there is no real reason why he would be seriously considering kids at 24, he could just as easy have them at 34. The thing to remember is that he has a guiltless “get out of jail free” card if he decided to have kids with a believer in the future as he has already made it clear that he does not want to have kids with a non-believer. In the meantime he may just be waiting to see if you change your mind while he is concentrating on other things like his business.
That’s pretty much the impression I get. If you’re satisfied with the status quo enjoy it while it lasts, but prepare yourself for the likely situation that when he gets a little older and is actually ready to get married he’ll be moving on to someone else.
I think people without current long term needs or working a current roadmap tend to go with the flow in relationships - doesn’t matter if you are male or female, 16 or 35. If your need is “do I have a date this weekend?” or “am I getting sex regularly?” or “is she/he getting my laundry done/paying my bills?” it can be really easy to just let a relationship go on. Things don’t come to a head until one person or the other starts wanting to get long term needs met (or until someone else finds someone who provides better short term companionship/sex/resources). Its just too much bother to break up with someone and date new people.
Zsofia, hon, I got nothing to offer you but sympathy here.
My new girlfriend has some spiritual beliefs that I, alas, simply cannot take seriously. But they work for her, and she knows my issues with them, so there’s been no problems. Perhaps it’s time for you and Mr.CokeCans to have a Serious Talk about your expectations vis-a-vis marriage, moppets, and the like. (And apologies if this is the 8th time that’s been suggested.)
Good point.
I also just come up with one of my own ‘red flags’ for the other thread– has never traveled outside of his/her country. I don’t need a jet setter, but if someone hasn’t at least expressed interest in experiencing different cultures… not my type (I understand money is an issue, but there are volunteer abroad programs, or at least weekend trips to Montreal or Mexico).
I guess if you’ve already decided that he’s the one and you won’t break up with him, there isn’t much we can say to you. I’ll tell you one thing, though, if you want to get married and he doesn’t, you simply aren’t meant to be together. I was in a relationship somewhat similar, around the same age (dating a guy who was strongly religious, and I’m strongly not), and after three years, it just wasn’t going anywhere. I was about 30, and while I didn’t (and don’t) want kids, I did want to get married, and I wasn’t about to become a born-again for him; he never spelled it out, but our relationship went nowhere because I wasn’t willing to convert for him (plus, he wanted like six kids - double deal-breaker).
When you’re ready to settle down and get married, I suspect you will end this dead-end relationship. Good news for you - I met my non-religious, non-child-wanting husband months after ending my dead-end relationship.
Actually, I forgot - he’s been to the Dominican Republic. He WANTS to travel, but he never has because of time and money. That’s not any indication of his curiosity about the world.
IMHO, it is most likely that he’s stringing you along until a new lover crosses his path. Clearly, he is content with the relationship now, but not seeing eye-to-eye with you regarding long term goals. I’ve known several spiritually non-compatible couples who split like that…usually very sudden.
Does he think there is a possibility of you becoming theist? If ‘yes’, then I could be wrong, but it doesn’t seem that way.
Something’s gotta give…
The whole situation really sucks, but I’m not sure why you posted asking for advice when it’s clear that you just want to ignore the situation.
It seems clear to me that he doesn’t want to marry you for whatever reason. To be blunt, you’re practically supporting him while he has the luxury of focusing on his business (instead of having to work for someone else for awhile, like most 20somethings). Why wouldn’t he want things to stay as they are?
You sound concerned about your fertility once others brought it up. That’s another flag that you should cut your losses and find someone who already will match with your marriage/children attitudes.
I mean, honestly, this entire thing sounds like a teenager or 21 year old girl who is with a bad boy* but is convinced they can change him. He doesn’t want to marry you. He doesn’t want to have kids with you. Accept that. If you’re fine with never marrying him and not having kids, stay with him. If you’re hoping he’ll change his mind, you’re wasting your time.
- Not that he’s a bad boy; similar analogy.