A friends asked me for some advice. As is typical, I try to ask clarifying questions rather than just give a yes or no. I’ll post my opinion after some people have answered.
Background.
He’s 52, American, former trader, lives in Singapore after living in Taiwan for a couple of decades. “Comfortable” so money isn’t an issue. Now he’s in business for himself.
She’s 34 and will be 35 in August. (Important point, that will be on the test, so remember it.) She’s Japanese, working in Singapore in an upscale retail sales.
They’ve been living together for about a year. She wants to get married and have children. He would prefer their current situation. He’s not adverse to children, but not really excited about it either.
He likes his free time and not having his life tied up.
She’s decided it’s time to move forward (or jump ship, I presume) and has given him a deadline of her birthday to decide.
What would you say?
I decided to make this a poll, because of the differences between how many men and women approach this.
This means that she’ll be solely responsible for the kids, which he doesn’t really want anyway. He’ll be out enjoying his “free time” while she’s at home changing diapers, etc. Then, when the kids are finally old enough to leave home, he’ll be old and senile and depend on her for everything. The question should be: Why would SHE want to marry HIM?
Man and I went no. The majority of marriages I have seen that were forced or coerced in any way mostly went down in flames. This could be the exception but on the description given I wouldn’t bet on it.
This is the sticking point in my decision. It doesn’t seem clear how strong his feelings on these issues are.
The current situation is coming to an end. He needs to decide where he wants to go from here: would he prefer to end the relationship or reconcile himself to fatherhood?
I’d say no. They are simply at different stages of life. That eighteen year age difference is a whole generation apart and likely to seem a larger gap as time goes on.
This is the 21st century, it doesn’t really matter if people are married or not anymore.
But since they are not citizens of the same country, that puts a new wrinkle on things. If they wish to relocate, it could be very difficult to both get residence visas, especially if only one of them intends to have income. Also, there are a few conservative Muslim countries in which a couple cannot register in the same hotel room without documentary evidence of marriage.
My wife and I had no thoughts at all of ever getting married, but we were traveling abroad, and considering residence in South America. As we were living only on my income, it would have created significant problems for her to get a residence card in any country we might have taken a fancy to, so on the spur of the moment, we got married in our camping clothes (smellling like wood smoke) while passing through a little town in Kentucky. At the time, Kentucky and Nevada were the only states in which a marriage license did not require any medical tests nor waiting periods before or after the license, so the whole thing could be done in an hour.
It sounds like a marriage doomed to failure, possibly with children dragged into the failure.
Why not call it quits now and save everyone a lot of grief?
I might feel differently if there had been any mention of “love her madly, can’t live without her”. Of course, in that case, he wouldn’t be seeking advice from friends or on a message board.
(female)
Male, and I voted ‘something else’, but I lean toward no. If they don’t have the same goals for the relationship, then they shouldn’t continue it. That seems pretty simple to me.
I voted against marriage, but not because I think shacking up should continue as is.
When a couple moves in together, I think they should have a general agreement as to where the arrangement is leading. If one partner thinks it’s the first step toward marriage, kids and a white picket fence but the other partner doesn’t, this isn’t going to work.
In this case, man and woman want totally different things. Time to split so each can find someone more compatible.
For what it’s worth, I suggested to him that he consider a number of points.
Having kids isn’t like having a hobby you can just quit if you don’t like it. While some people are on the fence then have kids and find out they like it, it’s going to really suck for their kid(s) if he goes through with it and finds out that he really does like his free time after all.
Not being infatuated with his girlfriend is not the end of the world. In fact it may help him make a more clearheaded decision. However, having kids together means that he’ll have ties to this woman – in one way or another – for another 20 years. Is she the person he wants to be with?
The reason he talked to me was because I have lived in Japan for so long, and he wanted some cultural background.
Being Japanese and around 35, means that she is really getting ready to settle down, get married and have kids. This would be less likely to be the default for American women, but much more so for Japanese women.
If he’s not excited by the prospect of getting married and having kids, he should let her find someone who is at that stage.
I didn’t come right out and tell him “no” but forced into making a choice on the poll, that what I selected.
No, definitely not. “Don’t marry someone you think you can live with, marry the person you can’t live without.” This man is definitely not into marriage enough, for marriage to be a good idea, and if he does marry her it won’t go well for either.
He’ll be 70 with an 18 year old. It’s awkward at best. I’m surprised his GF is not more level headed about this. Why is she pushing a reluctant 52 year old to be a dad? She needs to move on more than he does.
He can get married and have kids, if he wants her badly enough. There are several caveats to weigh, however. If he hasn’t wanted kids up til now, that’s not likely to change. Children significantly alter the relationship dynamic, and not for the better. Moreover, kids are expensive. Alimony (if applicable in that jurisdiction) is expensive. Relative comfort for a DINK household does not necessarily equate to a comfortable 18-24 years of daycare and education. This doesn’t even take into consideration that his earning potential is likely to wane before the children achieve independence.
I would never tell someone not to get married, but I think this would be an unwise decision. The childless woman he’s dating now will not be the same woman once she has kids 5 years from now. Would he even still be interested in her then? Most relationships where partners have a fundamental incompatibility (desire for children, religion, finances) end in bitterness and/or divorce sooner than later.
Female, and I voted no. They don’t want the same things, and having kids which one person wants and the other doesn’t, well in my mind that will just lead to resentment from both sides and it’ll be the kids that suffer in the end.
If they are not in agreement on something as important as whether or not they actively want children together, then they have no basis for a marriage.
TB, I’d like you to know that you’ve given me a Hallmark kind of day.
I was just at the supermarket, and the speakers were belting out “it’s got to be-eeeee… per-fect! It’s got to be-eeeeeee… worth it!” Your spouse shouldn’t be perfect in absolute terms, but they should be perfect for you. Settling down shouldn’t mean settling.