Difficult to say. No one should have kids to please someone else. And if they really don’t want kids, they should say so clearly, so that the person who does can move one.
However, I do think sometimes people get a kind of life-inertia where they are kinda happy with the way things are and so they don’t want to venture out of their comfort zone. Which can be fine, but it can also be good sometimes to have someone push you a bit by saying “come on, let’s do this scary but rewarding thing”.
The age difference and the issue about kids combined scream NO to me. Mostly the part about not wanting kids.
FWIW.
He’s 52 years old. He knows what he wants, and a family ain’t it. My advice to anyone considering children is don’t do it unless being a parent is the be-all end-all of your life. Because it will be, like it or not, once you have one.
For me it was, and I’ve never loved anything the way I love being a Mom. If he cares for this woman at all, he’ll take one for the team and break up with her, so that she can get on with finding the father of her children.
The age difference is irrelevant. Even his age vis-à-vis having kids is irrelevant: 50 year olds can be fine fathers. You know tend not to be fine fathers? Guys who don’t want kids.
She wants them, he doesn’t. Neither of them is going to be happy with a compromise on an issue that big.
Curious, why not? It sounds like he explicitly asked your advice, why not give it to him?
This.
Were he 35 or 30 it’s plausible his attitude to kids would still be plastic enough (or ambivalent enough) to make the marriage and kid-having a complete success. Being a childless 58 yo myself I can say that whatever ambivalence or equanimity I had on the topic in my 20s & 30s has long since hardened into “hell no.”
Ref Omar just above, what baffles me is how the guy can be that blind about his own ideas. Or is it really that he is sorta vaguely interested in kids and we’re all just assuming “likes his free time” really means “is utterly self-centered.”
So far, 1 vote for marriage, 61 votes against.
Pretty much my first thought. He’s still mentally in his early 20’s thinking he has the world by the balls. Marriage and kids will scare the hell out of him, challenge his mindset and send him running for some new venue.
A second thought: If the man told the woman “I was vasectomized decades ago. We can get married but I couldn’t get you pregnant no matter how long or hard we tried.” what would she say or do in response?
If her attitude is “Oh well, no kids for us. You’re still my perfect match.” that’s very different from “Why didn’t you tell me earlier!!?. Goodbye Mr. Sterile.” or even from “That’s OK. We (i.e. you) can afford to adopt a half dozen. That’d be close enough for me.”
Sounds like there’s not a lot of actual deep communication between the man & woman on this stuff. Which is a red flag in its own right.
ISTM it is easy to paint a picture of a stereotypical Single GuyTM, doing his thing, dating around, doesn’t want to be tied down. Oww Oww OoooooooooooH! (Howling at the moon).
But, as we all know, human beings are often more nuanced than this. TokyoBayer, your choice of language I have quoted uses “prefer” and “not adverse”. This doesn’t strike me as strong adamant statements of desires, on his part. It’s possible this is someone who, earlier in life, would have been satisfied with a wife and family, but it just didn’t happen that way. And now later on he has established a single lifestyle because that is what happened, rather than a master plan. So, I am not as quick to say NO he shouldn’t get married. Maybe marriage and kids is just what he needs!
Now, obviously, I am projecting subtlety onto this individual I don’t know, just as I have accused others of projecting stereotypical behavior on to a stranger, so take what I say with large grains of salt. I’m just offering a different perspective. TokyoBayer would know this person best.
We discussed this and I pointed out that women do have fertility issues, so a deadline isn’t unreasonable. He agrees.
Because he didn’t ask me “yes or no.” I didn’t get the sense that he was asking for a yes or no answer, more that he was asking for input on what to think about.
I told him what I thought should be important points to consider. We talked about how much of a time commitment it is to be a good father. I think he will think seriously about it.
We’ll talk again, which is one reason I wanted to put this here to get other people’s opinions.
He spend a couple of decades being a trader here in Taiwan, which involved all the sorts of things you can imagine about living a rich ex-pat lifestyle in an East Asian country.
He finally got out of that about four years ago and changed his life around completely.
We talked a couple of years back about fatherhood. It’s something which he wasn’t thinking about during his trader years, but has thought of it since.
However, I also didn’t get the since that he has decided he really, really wants to be a dad, which is why I think he shouldn’t unless he realizes something different.
When I was last single I dated someone who was quickly approaching the end of her reproduction clock. She already had 3 children, 2 college age and one 11 year old. At the time I was 53 and being a father again was something that was not on my agenda. We agreed to go our own way. I last saw her about a year ago, she never did have another child and admits it was probably for the better. In that time she became a grandmother and this filled her need to be around a baby.
One year doesn’t seem long enough to go dishing out this sort of ultimatum. Heck no. If he doesn’t want kids, he doesn’t.
And, were I this guy, I’m not sure I’d want to marry someone who tried to pressure me into it with or without the children aspect.
(woman. voted “no”)
If they do marry, dollars to donuts in 5 years he will find himself divorced, minus half his stuff, and plus a hefty child support payment.
There are a few things in this world that you should never undertake grudgingly.
At the top of the list are “getting married” and “having kids.”
So, this male definitely voted “No.” As to the implications on the relationship in question, I say let the chips fall where they may, after all the cards are out on the table. Better to lose the relationship than proceed with false assumptions and wildly different expectations.
I said Something Else, but heavily leaning toward No. A lot of people, men and women both, can be reluctant to get married but then do it anyway and everything turns out fine. They all tend to say the same thing about keeping their free time and their lives uncomplicated but those are just the socially acceptable answers. I would ask the guy if there is a time in the future when he’d feel alright about settling down and having kids. If he considers it carefully he may decide that point is coming soon enough to work something out with a woman he wants to stay with.
OTOH, this situation has a deadline, and it’s about having kids, and that makes me lean so heavily toward No even if it all could be more complex than expressed in the OP. If a man or a woman really wants kids badly it’s not something that can be put off forever and they have to have be in agreement about it. You can get married and if doesn’t work out you can just get divorced and it can be totally painless when kids aren’t involved. Once there are kids it’s a commitment that can’t abrogated by decent people.
I would lean toward “no,” but it isn’t a “hell no. No way. Run screaming” kind of “No.” It’s softer than that.
If he really truly wants to stay childfree, then he should go. But if it’s more of a thing he never really had strong opinions about either way, and he is the type of person who would step up if there were actual children in the picture, then it’s a weak maybe.
I didn’t need to read a single word of the OP before voting.
This is one of those things where starting off I knew the answer was probably “No.” just based on the thread title.
The contents of the OP didn’t change my initial assumption at all.
I know I sure as hell wouldn’t have the stamina to raise kids at his age, which is close to my age. It was hard enough 15-20 years ago.