Need specific advice regarding making friends...

In My Humble Opinion
1

A little background here. My wife and I just left the religion (cult?) known as Jehovah’s Witnesses in September. With that comes shunning from everyone we ever knew in the religion, including both sets of parents and siblings. The good news is that my wife and I have a house cleaning business and lots of wonderful families that we work with that are both clients and friends. We talk about everything with our clients and many (the ones around that we see often when in their home) have been there for us through this situation and have taken an interest.

Another part of being a JW is that you are discouraged from having close relationships with any, including family, that aren’t Witnesses. So when we left, neither of us had close family outside of the religion, nor any friends other than our clients. It really is a point of starting over, and at least we got to do this of our own accord with some support. Some people don’t leave of their own volition and are out without a soul to lean on or connect with.

We’ve both reconnected with some other ex-JW’s from our past, and have become friends with several again, which is awesome. We’ve also been doing things with our clients some here and there, and we even had two families that we clean for invite us to their homes for Thanksgiving, one on Thursday last week and one on Saturday.

We had a great time at both Thanksgivings. At one, however, there were two guys that both my wife and I really liked. Now, we didn’t do any real one on one bonding, it was all around the table while eating and playing games and just talking, particularly about us as people were curious about our lives and situation. We had so much fun and really liked these people, but we had no clue how to transition into possibly ever seeing them again. They may be present at future events at this family’s home, which could be further opportunities to connect.

I don’t want to be creepy or anything. I recently saw one of the guys post to one of our friends on Facebook. Even “friending” that person on Facebook seems weird since we just ate together once even though we had a good time and talked about some deep things. How do you take a person you meet from a one time acquaintance to getting to know one another better and possibly being friends on some level? Would it be weird to “friend” that person on Facebook? Should we invite them out sometime to a game or just to grab a bite to eat or something? Should we just leave it alone and hope something develops organically if we see them again at future events? We aren’t trying to desperately cling to anyone that crosses our path but these were genuinely nice guys with varied interests that we really just clicked with.

Thanks for any advice. I’ll answer any questions you may have. At 38 and 35 years of age, we’re starting over socially in some ways, but we have some good people around us already and are very thankful for that.

2

Is there a smaller subset of the Thanksgiving group that you could invite out – say, you and your wife, the couple that hosted, and the two new guys? That way there are mutual friends there, you aren’t “targeting” these two new people only, and it’s more casual. Could you talk to the original friends and say you really liked hanging out with them and the new guys, and what did they think about the smaller group maybe meeting up?

I don’t Facebook so I can’t help there, but it seems less creepy to me to start with the folks you know better and expand from there. They also know the new guys’ circumstances and what they might enjoy doing.

If you’re pretty sure you will see them all again soon (say during Christmas/New Year’s), maybe let it lie till then, see if you still click and have a nice time, and then follow up with a “we should get together in the new year”.

3

Facebook is actually really useful for this - I don’t think friending him would be weird at all. Just keep things light, casual, and addressed to multiple people (“what a great Thanksgiving!”), and you won’t come off as creepy.

4

As an ex-JW myself, I’m glad to see you found your way out of “the truth” (actually, the big lie!). I think friending people you have just met or had a good time with on FB is perfectly all right. They can always reject the request if they aren’t comfortable with it. I’d be more cautious about trying to friend total strangers, even if they have mutual friends with you. Best to send them a message inquiring first and explaining who you are and why you’re interested in being their friend. But in a situation like you describe, where you’ve recently re-connected with former friends and had a good time with them, a FB friend request should seem completely natural.

5

It’s definitely not weird to “friend” someone you have had dinner with on Facebook, not weird at all.

You sound like a great guy and I don’t think you and your wife will have any trouble making friends. My suggestion would be to follow your interests. If I want to make new friends I join a group or community based on something I am interested in. That can be playing football, collecting stamps, discussing philosophy or whatever, then you just take it from there.

For example when I moved to another city a while back I started going to a place where they had mediation and spiritual (non-religious) events. That way I got to meet a lot of people and made a few new friends. Even after moving back to my home town I am still friends with a few of them. I think joining clubs etc is a great way to connect because you automatically have something in common with the people you meet.

6

My mother and a couple of cousins left the JWs, and I know how hard it is. I’m thrilled to hear you’ve escaped, but I’m also sorry for the loss, because I know the costs are high. Let your other ex-JW friends be your guide. Give it time and, if you can, don’t worry too much about it.

One easy way for adults to make friends is in a class. I’m guessing based on what I know of JWs that you haven’t been to college. (Pardon me if I’m assuming too much.) Enroll in a community college class for an environment that will facilitate friendships and help open some aspects of the world that the JWs closed off. In general, joining stuff is a good way to go, but classes are pretty safe because, for one thing, there are few Witnesses, and for another, you don’t risk getting sucked into something else.

7

I’ve had several people friend me on FB after one meeting and it wasn’t weird at all. I happily accepted all requests, except one woman that I just didn’t care for (she was drunk at a wedding. She just thought I was cool cuz I danced on the dance floor. Icky) And the peoples’ friending me did lead to further IRL interaction.

Just don’t go commenting on and liking everything they post. That is weird, even if you’re old buddies :slight_smile:

I’m 36 btw.

8

Excellent ideas! Thank you so much. We actually do have a possible Christmas dinner thing they are putting together here soon, so that may be another shot to meet everyone. If not though, like you said, perhaps a smaller group would work consisting of some of the same people.

I’m just quoting this one on the Facebook thing, but thanks to everyone that said it was no big deal. I like the thought here of maybe even addressing multiple people like this. I finally joined Facebook maybe a year ago and sometimes am not sure about the etiquette on there. Okay, I’m not sure about social etiquette when it comes to new people in just about any way. With people that I have some history with I do well.

9

Another good way to meet people with similar interests is to volunteer. I don’t know what sort of city you’re in, but our library always welcomes volunteers, and there are a boat-load of other volunteer opportunities in our community (a medium-sized city in the PNW) in just about every area of public service and non-profit work.
One bit of advice that may be difficult for someone coming from a background of ready-made social setting (like many churches) is that you have to get up the courage to be the ones reaching out to new friends. Invite people over for casual get-togethers or suggest meetups for community events (such as tree-lighting ceremonies or other civic activities). In other words, if you are the one needing a new circle of friends, don’t just wait for others to invite you to their events – make your own and invite your new (potential) friends over. IOW, if you’re the one needing friends, you’ve got to be the one doing the reaching out.
You didn’t say where you are, but having lived in several places in the U.S., I can tell you it can be more or less difficult depending on the culture. People in the intermountain west can be friendly but standoffish at first. In the PNW where I am now, (and have lived for many years), people are polite and superficially friendly but cool, and it’s difficult to break into their social circles. I lived 4 years in Omaha, and found people there to be very outgoing and friendly and quick to invite into their circle.
OK I’ve used up my quota of parenthesis, so enough from me.

10

I appreciated what you said but mostly just wanted to say “hi” to another ex-JW. We both actually officially disassociated at the beginning of September. It was coming for years though.

I quoted yours Dr. Drake because I appreciated what you had to say, but also because I’m pretty sure I’ve been involved in some battles with you and others here in the past (probably a couple or more years ago) while I was still in the JW’s over things. I feel sorry that I ever supported that organization but that’s what decades of being kept in the dark will do. I don’t agree with quite all of the vitriol hurled a the JW’s, but more and more of it each day. I think that some stretch things to make them look bad and that you really don’t even have to stretch. So, I offer my respect and maybe I should have listened to you and some others years ago. It was soooooooo hard to battle the cognitive dissonance and indoctrination though. It has to be on my time.

I’ve had others suggest taking some college classes as well. I turned down numerous scholarship offers to go knock doors full-time after high school as I was brainwashed to do. It is definitely something I may consider in time, though now isn’t that time as we’re working on establishing relationships around us already and that takes some time. We’re busy enjoying our newly found freedom. Don’t worry, we won’t get sucked into something else. We didn’t leave one high control group to go along with any crowd or group. We are very independent, but obviously trying to establish some sense of community with other like minded people.

11

I bolded the part above because that’s something we definitely learned. We actually tried that often as JW’s and had some success but no reciprocation as we were never in the cool club. We find it much easier out here in the world at large to make friends and honestly we have people inviting us to things for the first time in a long time, which is wonderful. We know though that we cannot rest on that and have to be proactive, which we have been already and plan to continue.

We live in the Louisville, KY area. In our business we’ve worked with people that moved here from other places and honestly we’ve heard many complaints about the culture from outsiders. Louisville is a big city with a small town mentality. People often have their friends set in stone and those are either close families or people that they grew up with. People here don’t ask what college you went to (well, they wouldn’t ask me anyway, lol), but they ask which high school you went to. New people often have a hard time breaking in from what we’ve heard and seen ourselves. Groups are often already established, but for the first time in our lives we’re accepting the invitations that come our way from others outside the JW’s and we’re loving it.

12

If you and I had any such dust-ups, don’t give it another thought.

I always take it as read that:

  1. JWs will do their best to shut me down.
  2. non-JWs will think that I am unreasonable in my opinions and attitudes, assuming that JWs are just another ordinary Christian group.
  3. Ex-JWs will understand.
13

I’m surprised you are all responding to the OP - he seems like some kind of a creep! :slight_smile: Just kidding, of course.

No great advice here, just saying, I’m not aware of any secret formula. Just keep at it, be honest and open, and don’t get your hopes up, be too aggressive, or expect too much too soon.

I’m an out of touch old geezer, but friending someone on FB seems pretty innocuous. Of course, there is the potential baggage of how much do you - or they - have on you accounts? We actually recently talked with someone who asked us to llok over their account and see what impression it gave. Don’t get paranoid, but just think about it, if you belong to a bunch of spouse-swapping, or furry groups… (Not that there is anything wrong with either.)

And set yourself up for the whole “they just might not be as into you” thing. Don’t just pick out one or 2 folk, and put your efforts into friending them. You might need to cast your net wide. And you have to be open to the possibility that you might become friends with a friend of the person you are aiming towards.

Another thing, be open to single-topic, as well as “utility” friends. You might meet some people who love to go out to dinner, but have no interest in playing games, and others who are up for anything.

One of the things religion has going for it is that it forces people together, wherein you figure out ways to tolerate/enjoy each other. If you lack that initial “glue”, it makes it harder to find the commonality.

The best thing my wife and i have found is to engage in activities you like. Join existing groups. If you find a group you enjoy, there is a decent chance a few of the members will become your friends. For me, the majority of my friends are from a golf league I’ve played in for 20 years, and a bluegrass jam I started participating in 2-3 years ago. But I golf and play music with other groups whom I NEVER see socially in other settings.