tater, i wish i knew some good advice for you. i haven’t been in your situation, but i love children, and i wish you didn’t have to feel like you do right now. big hugs from me as well, i sincerely hope you find it in your heart to see what you must do. i would think keeping in touch no matter what for one thing, and when she’s growing up, she’s going to realize who really loves her, and will always want to be a part of your life. I’m not saying her mother doesn’t lover her, but you have put in the time and effort it seems. so don’t just stop becuase she’s leaving for a while. you’re still her aunt, and from what i remember growing up, my uncle was “da’bomb”, my grandmother and him raised me until i was 8. And all i know is that now i still feel the love from my uncle. He’s totally cool in my book no matter what, just because of the bond we formed when i was young. so look to the future, it’s gonna look great i’m sure. 
cheer up. you deserve to smile.
{{{{{{tatertot}}}}} You will always be a very special, and very dear, person to Kayla. Her mother is not being the greatest help to her life, but believe me–as a teacher, I see all variety of incompetent parents and the damage they do. Regardless of what the parents can and cannot do, often it just takes one person in that child’s life–one person that they know loves them, cares about them, adores them in a way a parent should.
It sounds like you are that person for Kayla. I agree–send her cards, care packages, pictures, etc. She’s not out of your life, just further from it–let her know that as well. Take care, dear.
You have made a sacred pact, knowingly or not.
With a small child in need of parenting and deserving of same.
You have given freely and fully of yourselves.
With no regard for the cost to you. You acted from compassion.
You need to be reminded that you didn’t do that because your sister was being a jerk, you did all of that for one simple reason. And though you haven’t actually stated it here, it’s clear for us all to see. You did this because of the person that you are, you could do no less.
The same is true of what you are doing now. It would be so simple for you to poison this childs relationship with her Mom. But you haven’t done that, for precisely the same reason.
Before this childs journey ends she will need you again. And we all know you’ll be there.
Your compassion inspires and touches us all. I know you feel crummy just now, but that will pass.
You have my undying admiration for your actions. The world needs more people like you.
Elbows, I don’t know you, but I love you!
Very well said, and since my friend Tatertot need us all right about now, you have MY gratitude as well.
I look forward to hearing more from you.
I have a cousin whose biological father is basically out of her life (man was married to someone else, didn’t want to have anything to do with her). The girl’s mother (also my cousin), has remarried and they have a great family relationship (large family, too–six children in all).
I still ache for the time that the little girl finds out that her adoptive father is not her natural father. She’s the most outgoing of all my cousins, yet still very sensitive. Hopefully the love that her mother and adoptive father gives her will ease the almost inevitable pain.
My two closest friends at my current job (both out of the firm and out of my life, unfortunately), were both single mothers. Though my parents never exposed me directly to this, I have incredible sympathy for those children from broken homes. All you can do is give them all the love YOU can muster.
Just wanted to drop in my two cents of admiration and support. And you know where to find us if you need more.
{{{{{{{{{{tatertot}}}}}}}}}}
I am so sorry that I haven’t had a chance to check out this thread til now, tatertot. I meant to do it hours ago, but got busy with my kids. I kept thinking of things to say to you as I was reading, but then I’d see where someone else has already said it. So, just let me add all of my thoughts and prayers are with you as you do this, and know that God knows what is in each heart, and will reward in kind. Your niece will know also, who loves her truly, and is in her corner. I think it is awesome what you are doing with and for her! I also am convinced, just as elbows said, that you are doing this because of the person you are. I know this too, because of your other posts in other threads. Take care, and remember that we’re all here for you, and standing behind you, supporting you in all that you’re doing for her. Let us know how it’s going, ok?
My email is in my profile, please use it if you need to scream and yell, or cry or whatever. I’ve had a busy couple of days, but hope to have some more free time starting this weekend.
{{{{{{{{{{{{tatertot}}}}}}}}}}}}
What’s there to say ? Sometimes good people (that’s you, you know) get caught up in rotten situations, simply because they did the right thing. She’ll know - she already knows - what you have done for her.
Re-read elbow’s post, it’s put so much better than I can.
You’ve done some good, here.
Tatertot, I know it’s trite, but I’m not good at this sort of stuff; anyway, we are here for you, anytime, 24/7. Go ahead, cry, and we’ll cry with you, rant, and ditto. We’re here.
Tater–
In a painful, confusing and unfair situation you have done a beautiful thing–you’ve risen above all the negative emotions (which IMHO you’re entitled to) and have concentrated on the most fragile element. Your niece. No wonder she feels that security in getting angry with you and voicing herself; loving security is something children desperately need. You and your parents have given it to her.
It’s hard on you and your family, I know. And my heart goes out to you in this difficult time. The fact that you are so willing to shower love without teaching your niece to blame her mother will create a caring, tolerant–but above all–stable young woman who will understand everything you’ve gone through for her sake.
No matter where your niece is–she knows that so many people love her. What a nice thing to give her. Probably a lot a people feel like they can’t say the same thing about themselves.
You’re a gem.
struuter
Tater, its a brave thing you’re doing,
and a brave thing you have done in taking care of this kid.
take comfort in knowing that you and your mother will aways try your best to provide a safe home for her.
She may not understand what you are doing for her at the moment, but she will at some stage. And she will be grateful.
heads up, tater. be strong.
{{{{{{{tatertot}}}}}}}}
Tater, just so you know, I’ve been on the other side of the fence, and you have nothing to worry about.
My biological mother has always had problems of some sort or the other. She had me when she was 15. She was a drug user and, to put it delicately, has always been in a rather delicate state of mind. Her mother raised me and she’s the one I call Mom.
I have always kept in touch with my bio-mom, but she isn’t the one that I run to when I have problems. When someone talks about Mom, she’s not the one I think of automatically. I don’t think I even called her last Mother’s Day.
When I was in my rebellious teens, when I wanted to hurt Mom and Dad, I would talk about my “real Mom.” She is NOT my Mom to me, that’s just how to lash out when you can’t think of a better way. That stage will pass.
Also, in later years, when my bio-mom was more stable, she decided to try to take more of a role as “mother” in my life. Fat chance. I love her, but she was NOT Mom and it was a little to late to try to re-take the role.
It would be unreasonable to say ‘don’t worry about it,’ because worrying comes naturally, no matter how you became a mother. But be encouraged that, in the long run, the child will know who to thank for a wonderful upbringing, and who the “play-Mom” is.
I hope this helps.
Tatertot, you’re a wonderful person for taking a role in Kayla’s life. Just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you and hope the transition will be smooth. ((hugs))
(((tatiebuuuugggg)))
Shoot, I’m not even related to your Germany-livin’ butt and you sent me a care package!
Girlfriend, I wish I knew what you could say to Kayla when she asks those tough questions. You might consider seeing a counselor or another expert about that stuff.
I’m with everyone else who has responded. You da beeyatch, gurl!
Love, Auntie Cantie
Never fear! Captain Shirley Is Here! Da Da DA! :::Wait where did every body go…oh wait, my mask slipped ::blushes::::
Excuse me while I pile drive your sister into a dust heap and then you can take over with Kayla.
:::trips over super hero cape:::: muttering::::Damn Cape.
:::looking up at Tater::: Do I look fat in these tights? Be brutal!:::::::::::::
Thank you so much everybody for your kind words, I’m crying again but this time it’s in a good way. I’ve got to say, you give me too much credit. My parents have done so much even though they don’t have to.
Today went great, all the kids had a blast. I was a bit weepy, since I’m going to miss all of them, and it’s just such a bittersweet feeling to realize how much they’ve grown in a year. The teacher said I can come back on the real last day of school to say goodbye.
If you can stand a bit more bad news, I found out today that my father’s older brother may have thyroid cancer. They are doing surgery today to make a diagnosis. The killer is that my aunt, his wife, just finished treatment for breast cancer. Please everybody keep them and my two cousins (can’t even imagine what they are going through) in your prayers.
Again, thank you all so much, I’m printing out this thread, so that I can look at it when times get tough.
No words to say, Tater…
{{{{{{{{{Tatertot}}}}}}}}}}}
Tatertot, I really can’t add anything to all the wonderful words written by everyone else above. I just wanted to offer you {{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}} and kudos for all you’re doing for your neice.
I’ll also say a prayer for your Uncle. May he and your Aunt both live long and healthy lives.
Here’s some more hugs for your collection {{{tatertot}}}
It’s great that Kayla has people who love and take care of her in spite of her (ahem) flaky mother.
Catrandom
[hijack]
I was wondering when the notoriously kind hearted Shayna would post to this thread. (I figured she hadn’t seen it yet)
[/hijack]
Tatertot, I hope you don’t mind, but I took the liberty of e-mailing you earlier this evening (right before I logged on) and following up on some of the things I wanted to mention in my earlier post (I confess I was pretty fatigued when I wrote that first post). I hope you got my e-mail, and can get past my abysmal writing style to find some comfort in my meager words.
Much of what I said pretty much echoed what’s been said here, but I also related that an ex-co-worker of mine, Michele, often had me sit for her three boys, but her and I went our separate ways (relationship was completely platonic) and I haven’t seen those boys in three years. If I wasn’t a father figure to those boys, I was a pretty damned good “big brother”, if I say so myself. And I miss those boys terribly 
The one thing I tried to take from this painful experience was that someday, if I’m lucky, I’ll be blessed with children of my own and my experience might, at least, stand me in good stead.
And then I wrote:
“In your post, you did not mention your own intentions about children, when and if you want them. I hope you do–you’ll be a great parent. Which brings me to my last point–in addition to all the other joys Kayla brings you, she’ll give you added experience when and if you have children of your own.”
Imagine my surprise when I came on the boards and read this thread:
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=27017
Aside from the fact that, as everyone else has said, Kayla will grow up a better person thanks to you and will no doubt appreciate all that you’ve done for her (I imagine she does already), I am so very, very gratified to see that she will, as I’ve predicted, return the favor in teaching YOU valuable lessons about parenting which you can apply to your own children. She’ll probably make a great “big sis” for them as well.
I’m hardly happy go lucky, and unbridled optimist and my name don’t ever belong in the same sentence. But after hearing everything you’ve done, and now finding that you’ve been rewarded with a child of your own, I can’t begin to tell you the hope I feel for all of us:
“What a piece of work is a man! how noble in reason!
how infinite in faculty! in form and moving how
express and admirable! in action how like an angel!
in apprehension how like a god!”
–Hamlet, Act 2, scene ii
My very, very best to you and yours.