Needed: Sympathy & Hugs

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Sorry for posting such a sappy thread, but I really am feeling down.

Tomorrow is my niece’s last day of school, she’s leaving a few days early to go spend the summer with her mother. My parents have raised her since she was a baby, and since I’ve moved nearby, I’ve watched her while my parents work, so we’re really close. In fact, she’s become like a one of my own. Between me and my parents, we do all the things her mother should be doing.

So tonight, I’ve been busy making up little goody bags as goodbye gifts for her friends, baking pretzels for a special treat, and I just can’t help breaking out into tears. To be honest, I’m feeling so many emotions right now, I’m not sure what’s going on.

For starters, I’m sad that she’ll be away for so long, and I’ll miss her terribly. And I’m happy that she’ll be getting to visit her mother; it’s been a whole year and she’s really looking forward to it. I’m angry at my sister for not being a mother to her child and sticking my parents with the job when they should be enjoying their child free years. It’s so damn frustrating to try and comfort a child who only wants her mother…what the hell do you say? And it hurts when she’s mad at me for doing the discipling work that her mom should be doing and she tells me that she hates me and wants Mommy.

And what do I say when she asks who her Daddy is? Because I really have no freaking idea. Those lines they give you in the parenting books just don’t cut it. People say that she is lucky because she has four adults around who love her, but to be honest she’d trade us all in a heartbeat to be able to live with her mother. And can you blame her?

Sorry for the long post, it’s been a weird week for me, and I just needed to get this out before I burst. And if anyone has any advice, I’d be glad to hear it, cause I sure need it. Thanks for listening.

2

You should plan on writing her letters, sending postcards, goodie boxes, and calling her often while she’s with her mom. That will make the seperation a little easier on you and her both. You may even want to pack a couple of pictures of you and your neice together and pictures of her with your parents too.

So why doesn’t your sister take care of her? What happened? Not to pry or anything but I’m just curious as to why she can take care of her during the summer but not full-time.

3

I really don’t know. The official reason is that she can’t afford to, but I know tons of single mother’s who manage. She makes something like $13 p/hr, which is not a fortune, but I know people who make it on less. My parents have even offered to help out, but only if she sends them the bills so that they can pay them directly. For about 3 years, she was supposed to be going to nursing school, but she just spent the tuition checks on herself.

This sounds bad, but in a way I wish it were something like drugs or mental illness, that I could understand. What I don’t understand is not taking care of your child because it’s going to be hard and you would rather just work when you want. And she has the nerve to tell me about her trips to Mardi Gras and Atlanta!

I am definatly planning on sending lots of cards, letters and small gifts. I hope my sister will be nice enough to help Kayla write back to me, but I’m not counting on it…

4

First, sorry for the apostrophe in mothers, I was a bit emotional.

I think what started off the anger feelings, was when I took a peek at our high school’s alumni pages yesterday and found that my sister had posted a bunch of pictures of Kayla. First of all, these were all pictures that I had taken and scanned, which really isn’t a big deal, but it just adds to the sense of injustice. And they all have titles like:

Kayla at her dance recital - (which Auntie sewed the costume for, attended, and took her to half the rehersals)

Kayla in Strasbourg, France - (which Auntie and Uncle scrimped and saved to pay for)

Kayla trick or treating - (you guessed it Auntie and Uncle took her)

I know it sounds very petty, and in my heart I know I’ve been more that rewarded for doing these things for her, but I just resent the hell out of my sister presenting it like she’s raising this beautiful child, showing her the world, and all the time it’s me and my parents.

Again, thanks for taking the time to read this. I’m more than a bit hormonal right now.

5

Wow. My son and I get by on my $12.60 an hour. I wish my parents would pay my bills, too.

It would be un-gentlemanly of me to tell you what I really think, but suffice to say, she’s got it pretty good. To say that she can’t afford it is a copout.

What’s up with Mom and Dad? Have they ever said “no” to her?

6

tatertot, I can sympathize with you greatly. You are to be absolutely commended for all of the help and love that you have given to this little girl. When she looks back and remembers her childhood, she will remember all of the good memories that you have helped her to create.

7

Almost forgot:

{{{{{{{{{tatertot}}}}}}}}}}}

:slight_smile:

8

There’s no good way of dealing with this situation. I’m reminded of something my father told my brother when he was feeling dumped on by his ex-wife, who is a little less than a great mother to their daughter (my niece). My father told my brother “When she grows up she’ll know who took care of her and who didn’t.”

My niece is now 13. She’s extremely bright, and she’s already figured out just which parent has fed & clothed her, paid for her schooling, etc, and which parent has sent her to school with dirty clothes and provided less than adequate shelter. Kids aren’t dumb - continue to provide what your niece needs, and she will remember it when she grows up.

9

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tatertot}}}}}}}}}}}

I know how hard it is to do that. I have a neice who is now 24, Lionsob and I raised her from the time she was 8 months old until she was 5 years old. My sister (her mother) was
a hard core meth addict, and alcoholic. She would breeze into town and want to play mommy then breeze out again.

When my sister got straight Misty went to live with her and her husband who had also gotten straightened out.

Letting her go hurt me as bad as if she had been mine.

I still think of her as mine. My mom calls her my neice-daughter. She will always be part mine.

And she loves me, her mother has gone back to the booze now, I don’t know if she is doing dope, I don’t see her because she knows I won’t let her drink in my house if she comes to visit. To me it would be like giving a suicidal person a loaded gun and leaving them alone.

You keep giving that child what she needs. And God bless you for doing it.

10

{{{{{tatortot}}}}

That little girl will always remember all the wonderful things that you have done for her. A part of her will always hold you dear to her. The good thing about it is, she will always know that she has someone that loves her and that she has a place to go.

11

Congratulations on being smoke free, Delta!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{tatertot}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}just being a dittohead, and because my mom raised my nephew since his mom was a nitwit. It doesn’t matter what the strangers think of your sister posting those pictures of Kayla. Kayla knows, and YOU know. Your sister is grasping onto what little she has, she wasn’t there for all the important stuff and it’s all pretend. Just because she IS pretending to placate herself, don’t YOU get caught up in it.

We all have two shots at childhood (if we don’t get it taken from us, that is) our regular one, and then the one we precariously share through another, usually our own children. Every memory that Kayla will have of her own childhood will be tinged with the love that you and your parents have lavished on her, your sister will not be a part of it. Your sister put a price on her daughter’s childhood, and decided it was too high a price to pay.

You and your parents have shown Kayla what love and sacrifice REALLY look like, not printed up pictures for strangers that don’t even count. Never underestimate the power you’ve already given to your niece that NO ONE, can ever take away. Bless your heart, sweet tater, while you’re missing Kayla, send her funny things you find to keep continuity for you both.

12

I think Kayla is a very lucky little girl to have you and your family. She will know this as she gets older and she will be thankful for what you have given her, most of all your love.

Cheer up hon and know that you have done a wonderful thing!!! {{{{{all the hugs you need}}}}}}

13

tater, I’m sorry your having to deal with this, but it sounds to me like you do have the constitution for it. Kayla’s your blood and needs the parenting, which you and hubby provide. Kudo’s to y’all!

My little sister is in fact my niece; we took her in at 3 and adopted her at 5. A slightly different deal - my aunt was schizophrenic and twisted off - but similar enough that I recognized the aunt and uncle raise the kid scenario as one I’m familiar with.

The replies you’ve received are on target. My mom and little sis are quite close and she turned out quite well. I suspect you’ll be putting Kayla out in the world with some ground under her feet.

It is a drag that your sister skates, but that is what is.

Good luck to you, dear.

14

I’m so sorry for your pain and upset, tater, and for Kayla’s.

Auntie Pro said it best–and she’s absolutely right. Kids are very, very hard to fool. They know where their love and stability are, even while they may wish it could be different.

If I may venture an unasked and rude opinion, your sister is nuts. She’s putting on a facade, but the only one she’s fooling is herself. When Kayla rebels against rules and says she wants her mommy, she does in a very limited way. But mostly she’s doing what all kids do, i.e. the old play divide and conquer. (Mom says no? well, I’ll try asking Dad.)

Kids stay kids such a short, little time, and your sister is throwing that time away. Some parents can’t be with their kids all the time, but your sister could–and Kayla knows it. It’s a tough rejection. But Kayla has you and your folks to surround her with love.

Keep flooding that little girl with cards, letters, etc. She needs to know that she always has a family who loves her while she comes to terms with fact that her mother has chosen “things” over her.

::beaming comfort to tatertot::

Veb

15

Tater,
Welcome to the world of the stepparent. I was one once and it sounds just like what you describe. What you really need is for someone to show some appreciation for a tough job, well done. Try not to let her mother get to you, the others are right when they say she is trying to cover her own inadequacies and soothe her own guilt. You know that you are doing the right thing and more to the point, WE know you are, too. And WE are what matters most, right? RIGHT??

16

Thanks, Anti P. Hasn’t been easy.

Tatertot:

What’s been said here about kids knowing who was there for them is right on the mark.

When my ex and I split, I insisted on custody of my Ryan because she thinks nothing of staying out drinking all night, not to mention drinking heavily in front our son. Funny thing is, she didn’t even fight it. Tells you something right there.

I honestly don’t know how a person like that can look at themselves in the mirror every morning.

The bottom line (for me anyway) is that my son and I will have a very healthy relationship for many years to come, while every weekend he goes to mom’s he learns a little more of the truth about her. I’m waiting for the day he tells me he doesn’t want to go her house.

17

Niece should be cousin. Sorry about that, y’all.

18

Hi Tatertot-

You don’t know me, so maybe it is presumptuous to give you a hug. I’m sending you one, anyway. {{{{{{{tatertot}}}}}}}}

Kids and animals have an inborn baloney detector, even if they don’t necessarily act like it. They know who is real, and who is not. They understand the difference between saying I Love You, and SHOWING I Love You. Maybe Kayla isn’t making this evident now, but she knows and in time she will realize who mouthed empty words, and who got into the trenches and fought for her.

If your sister has changed, and actually intends to be there for her daughter, you may have to step back and feel good about all that you have done. It doesn’t sound as though this is likely to happen. At that point, you will be there to pick up the pieces, and to give her the real love that she deserves.

Some day, she will know and appreciate that.

I have seen this happen more times than I like to admit. It is so sad when someone cares more for themself than for the magical, beautiful spirit they were instrumental in bringing into the world. It is their loss, and so many times there is no one to step in and heal.

You have done that, continue to do that, and people like you are my heroes.

Scotti

19

Tater:
A big hug for you, with a Memphis homeland BBQ rub.

Of course Kayla yearns for her Mom, just as any child would. But you and your parents are giving her the foundation she will carry with her into the world. You have the joy of helping her create herself, and I’ll bet that her most sweet cherished memories will be of the time spent with you. Let her know you’re with her this summer, it’s bound to be confusing for her. Your sister must know, when she sees those pictures, what she is missing. Perhaps she will get a clue and open her heart to mothering Kayla. It’s never too late.

But her early formative years are filled with your love, and on those wings, she’ll fly most nicely.

20

(((((tatertot))))))

I wish I could hug you for real.

As dragonlady said, what you’re going through is similar to what stepparents go through. I too am a stepparent, and sometimes, it really sucks. Not because of the discipline thing, though.

My stepson’s mother has some emotional problems. Most of the time, she’s okay, but sometimes, she gets crazy. Can’t really go in to it here, because it’s just a suspicion, nothing I know for certain.

What I do know, though, is that my family is the only thing in my stepson’s life that is normal. He has no relationship with his grandparents on his mother’s side–they’re just as screwed up as his mother. My family has warmly welcomed him as another child/grandchild/nephew. He LOVES it. When I take him to my family gatherings, I just sit back and watch him blossom.

He’s only six years old right now, and just beginning to understand that not all people are like his mother. He watches the members of my family interact with each other, and he’s learning how ordinary people behave.

Then I have to send him home. That’s the sucky part.

Your sister says she can’t raise her daughter on $13 an hour? Please forgive me, but that’s a huge crock. I’m raising two kids on $15 an hour. Plus my husband is a stay-at-home dad, so it’s not like we’ve got two incomes here. Oh yeah, since my husband has no regular income, that means I make his child support payments. So, there’s five people living off my $15 an hour. And did I mention that three weeks ago, I bought a house?

Your sister can do it financially. She just doesn’t want to do it mentally, physically, and emotionally.

You have my love, respect, and support, tatertot. Your niece will always know just how much you love her, and someday, she will pay you back for everything you’ve done, in spades.