My neighbor loves mowing the yard so he voluntarily mows about 5-6 lawns in our neighborhood including mine. They’ve even gotten him a riding mower even though we live in little postage stamp sized lots. This is his third year mowing for us and each year I’m a little bit more concerned about him doing it. Because, you see, he’s had a stroke and a brain bleed, and he fell off the roof of his house twice and he’s in his late 70s.
To add to the fun, we’ve got painters here painting the outside of my house. He likes to come over and chat with them. They’re also cutting down shrubs for us and he’s so excited about it that he tried to pay them several hundred dollars for ‘making his job easier’. They obviously turned him down on the money, but he and his wife came up with the idea of buying them pizza for lunch instead.
Then next thing I know I look outside and the neighbor’s truck is backed up to the branch pile and they’re loading them up to haul away. From my yard. We assured and reassured them that they did not need to do this. They did it anyways. And they are both in their late 70s and/or early 80s.
So today I go out there and they’re backed up in the yard and hauling away more debris again. My husband had been out there and talked to them and said that they could do it, but only one load. By the time I got out there and the painters had arrived, they were on their third load. I tried to nicely talk them out of it but he would have none of it. He even gently threatened me with I know what would happen if I try to stop him. I decided to choose my battles and let this one go.
I talked to the head painter and we talked about safety issues. A big one coming up is that they’re going to be renting a lift to get to my roof and it will be imperative that the neighbor stays out of the yard when it is here. The painter told me that he would talk to the wife next he saw her. I’m not sure if that happened yet or not
Anyways, there are several things at play here. I really don’t want him mowing anymore. I am worried about his health and safety. But, I have to live next to him indefinitely and I am a little bit concerned about my safety if I tell him to get off my lawn. He is truly not always in his right mind due to his health issues and when he’s mad, he screams and throws a fit. I am concerned about him aiming his sadness/anger at me. Generally speaking we have imposed no boundaries on him up to this point. I’m worried.
I’m trying to figure out how to approach this. A casual talk with the police ran through my mind and his too, I guess, because he was telling me about the last time that he got the police called on him years ago.
Does your community have a charitable organization of some kind that would welcome volunteers?
This guy clearly has a need to get out of his own house, and to feel he’s being helpful to others (and maybe to feel important). If only you could redirect his enthusiasm to some group that might welcome his presence and energy, there could be benefit for all.
For keeping him out of the yard when they are using the lift, you could have some of that yellow caution tape strung around the yard. Don’t install it yourself. Buy it at the hardware store and give it to the painters for them to string up. They should tell the neighbor it’s for liability reasons that they cannot have anyone else on the property while working on the roof. If you are standing on the street when he comes by, you can reinforce that no one is allowed on the property, including yourself.
It sounds like it’s not just that he’s being nice. It sounds like he has an actual compulsion to help out. Because of his age, you probably will only have to deal with this behavior for a limited amount of time. Age or injuries will catch up with him one way or another and he’ll find it harder and harder to do this kind of work.
The man is losing his mind. And is also losing his body. You’re implicitly assuming his body gives out first and he retreats home to rot in his recliner.
I bet his mind will give out first and he’ll be increasingly reckless, obstreperous, and dangerous out in the neighborhood. You would not let an 8yo use a chain saw on your bushes. He’s turning into exactly that: a grown man with a figurative chain saw and the mind of an 8yo. A forgetful foolish 8yo.
IMO the OP’s first move is to meet w the wife away from the husband. Is she actually an ally of sanity in this situation, or is she going senile too, or is she just afraid to do anything but enable her husband’s increasingly dangerous unwanted behaviors?
Armed with some level of understanding of the wife’s capabilities and attitudes, then it’s time to contact the local senior center or Council on Aging. And without naming names, get some pro advice. Which advice may amount to “Give us a name so we can intervene”.
This will only get worse, not better if the OP does not take prompt resolute action.
Another option might be to find out if your state has an Adult Protective Service, similar to Chid Protective
Services where anonymous reports can be made to look into possible neglect or abuse. They can decide if action needs to be taken and can call in the appropriate authorities.
Best of all, it leaves the neighborly reporter out of it.
Ok, I sent an email to the Area Agency on Aging. We’ll see what happens. And, there are children, but the wife doesn’t want anything to be done with him. She wants to handle everything on her own.
If you are feeling a little bit ungrateful after all he has done - Don’t. This is not helping, it is controlling. He wants the lawns to look how he wants them to look. He wants the debris moved when he wants it moved, and he will throw a screaming toddler tantrum if he doesn’t get his way. That’s not community spirit.
You are right to be concerned about his responses and to keep all of this action anonymous. As he ages his boundaries will continue to slip, and as his body slows down he will sit and ruminate on grudges. It will get ugly.
I feel so bad for his wife. I’m sure she’ll be financially destroyed if he goes into care, and never get that few years of peace in her own home that she has been living for. (Yes, I’m assuming a lot, but it’s fairly common for women of that generation.)
Be careful of him. Be kind to her. Keep reporting so that the authorities have what they need to address the problem.
I hate that for her. Apparently her handling it has not gone all that well if he’s has persistent as you say.
Their children will have to be in on this.
If you can’t tell the wife @Sticks_and_Scones tell the Agency the children’s name. Let them handle it.
And don’t feel bad. You have a right to your privacy and boundaries. And not have people dying on your property. Causing all manner of distress, if not law suits.
Someone who comes repeatedly onto your property without invitation and after being asked to stop is a trespasser, not a good neighbor. He is putting himself and others in danger. If nothing else the OP has a right to privacy.
It’s hard to say exactly what the relationship is between the neighbor in question and everybody else, but it seems pretty clear that the neighbor is in the midst of a pretty severe decline in mental faculties, and needs help before someone gets hurt. It’s more than likely to be him that gets hurt, too.
You did the right thing. Unfortunately government agencies like that, whether it involves care for the elderly or child protection, are often inadequate and/or incompetent, but you did all you could do.
This seems like a situation that might have all kinds of subtle nuances so I hesitate to provide any specific advice. A friend of mine had a neighbour who really enjoyed his big snowblower and always cleared out my friend’s driveway at the same time as his own, but that was by cordial mutual agreement and bottles of wine were given out in gratitude. This sounds more like dementia – maybe the old guy has some inner drive to still feel useful – and over time the consequences may not be good.
Helpful neighbors can absolutely be a PITA, even when they have all their faculties. I had to be blunt with my friendly neighbor to get him to stop cutting my lawn & snowblowing my driveway. He was apologetic but clearly annoyed I was turning down his “help”, but thankfully we’re OK now. But given these reactions:
I think you’re just going to have to tell him and his wife they can’t do any more work at your house any more. Don’t sugar coat it, don’t apologize. Maybe tell him your insurance company told you you can only have licensed & bonded contractors doing any work on your property. If he does try to help, tell him to stop immediately, and yeah, call the police if he refuses to leave. It utterly sucks if it gets to that point, but better that than him injuring himself or others on your property.
You could even tie it in with the work currently going on. After it’s over, tell your neighbor that one of the workers got hurt and you’re being sued. Tell him your insurance company is prohibiting you from having anyone work on your property that isn’t licensed and bonded, and that includes neighbors.
Say what behaviors you need from them in plain simple English: short declarative sentences only. Then, just like training a dog, demand compliance and provide prompt consequences for noncompliance.
Unfortunately the forgetful flavor of senility can’t be trained. They can only be supervised into compliance with your needs. And be clear in your own mind: you need that compliance.
Yes it’ll be work. No, it won’t be fun. Problems are like that.