Neighbours, domestic abuse, thin walls. What next?

The BBQ Pit
1

Background:
The couple (unmarried) in the apartment next to ours have a “volatile” relationship. More days than not we can hear raised voices and doors slamming. They have 1 year old, who cries a lot, we’ve put most of the yelling down to new parent stress, and cultural differences. They’re Nigerian, the yelling is never in English and the walls in this building are paper-thin, so we were minding our own business and turning up the stereo, figuring that some couples just shout and fight more than others, and we can’t tell what they’re saying, so it wouldn’t be fair to leap to conclusions.

Until this morning.
Irishfella left for work a 6:30am, I’m at home studying for exams at the moment, so went back to sleep.
I was rudely awakened at 9am by yelling and banging from next door. Usually it’s a give and take, but this morning, he was definitely screaming at her. Resigning myself to being awake, I started to get dressed. About 9:10, there was a simultaneous knock on my balcony window, and on the front door.

Decided not to answer the door, but to check out who was on the balcony first.
She was standing on my balcony, obviously having climbed over from hers, we’re only 1 floor up, but it still must have been risky.

I let her in, and she explained that she had an exam she had to go to, and he wouldn’t let her leave the flat (presumably because he had somewhere to go and didn’t want to take the baby).
She wasn’t bruised, as far as I could see, just shaken up, I offered her help, but she just wanted to leave to sit the exam paper, asked if I should call the cops, she said he’d calm down once she left.

We checked he wasn’t in the hallway, and she made a run for it. I guess he must have thought better about knocking on my door, because he didn’t try it again.
For the next 15 minutes, there was banging and thumping from next door, and the baby was screaming. He finally put it in the pushchair and left about 45 minutes after she did, heading for the bus stop.

I called Irishfella for some reassurance and went over to my friend, who also lives in our building, for tea and sympathy. I was pretty shaken up, and didn’t want to sit in our place alone, also I had to go to town, but didn’t want to leave until I knew he’d have caught a bus, and I wouldn’t have to see him at the stop.

I’m pretty worried about what’s going to happen when she gets home and if the baby is safe there with him.

If I hear anything again I’m calling the cops (even if I’d called them at the first sign of trouble today, she would have left by the time they got here).

Irishfella wants to talk to the guy and let him know we’re going to get the police involved, but I’m worried that it’ll cause trouble for us, and for her, and that we should just call them next time without warning the guy first.

As far as I know, she’s a student, and he’s a DJ, but I don’t really know much about their situation (including whether they’re legal, or just allowed to stay because of the baby) and calling the Gardai could work out badly for everyone.

Basically I’m not happy with the situation, I can’t believe that she’d climb over a wall onto a balcony to get away from the guy, especially since she had no way of knowing whether anyone was in our flat. I don’t know if the police can (or will) do anything to help, but I feel that I should do SOMETHING.

Anyone who has any experience in this area, PLEASE give me some advice.

2

Before you do anything, speak to her about it, and contact one of the Immigrant councils. If they aren’t able to help themselves, they’re sure to know someone who does.

3

Yeah, I want to talk to her, but short of staking out her front door, and catching her before she goes in, there isn’t anything I can do. He’s home almost all the time, and usually only leaves late at night. The doors are even thinner than the walls, and you can hear every word spoken in the hallway.

Guess I’ll have to come up with something.

4

First off sorry to hear about this, it sounds like a really shitty situation.

I think Irishfella talking to the guy and letting him know the deal is a fantastic idea. He needs to know that other people are aware of what’s going on, and should things continue, higher authorities will get involved.

5

I can understand you being shaken by this; I hope that your neighbour is ok, and wonder if you have heard anything yet this evening.

As far as help and support is concerned, I only have direct knowledge of the advice and information available in England and Wales, but I hope it’s some help here. If your neighbour were living here, I would be suggesting that you contact Women’s Aid for some information; I believe they have a branch in Belfast, but I am not sure about Dublin. They, or an organisation like them, would be able to give your neighbour some advice and support if she decides that this would help her. They might also be able to give you some helpful suggestions as to how best to support her.

Many incidents of domestic abuse go unreported for a long period of time (a police domestic violence officer once quoted me on average 39 incidents before it is reported), and you may find that your neighbour may be unwilling to do anything at this stage. She may even feel uneasy and embarassed that you were party to the events earlier today. The most important thing you may be able to offer her is reassurance that you were happy to help and information about who she could call for advice, if and when she is ready to do so. An adviser can talk to her in confidence about her options, including taking legal action, or finding a refuge if needed. Many advice organisations provide these services for free. Domestic violence amongst asylum seeker and refugee couples is recognised as an issue, and organisations whose primary purpose is domestic violence advice should be aware of the specific problems this brings.

As far as calling the police is concerned, I’m really on the fence for this one. Only you can make the judgement call about whether you believe this would be the best course of action at the moment. As with many women in this situation, your neighbour may not yet be ready to either take any legal action, and as you rightly point out, she may be also worried about her status. My gut instinct would be to try and help her to get help, but I’d also be prepared to make the call to the police if I felt the situation merited. Sorry, that is so marked a fence-sitting paragraph as to be unhelpful, but I am trying to think how to avoid inflaming the situation.

I hope this is some help.

6

If I were you, I’d just call the police. Say that you hear lots of screaming and you’re worried about the 1 year old. That should be sufficient.

I’m sorry you have to go through this. Neighbors like this really, really suck. Especially when they start pulling you into their squabbles like they have to you.

7

I don’t have advice, but I have had a similar experience and we called the cops.
Our then neighbours were fighting. The husband was actually hitting the wife in the garden and the kids were watching and really scared. Up until then, they had said ‘hello’ when they saw us but they had never involved us in their life. I couldn’t standby and see a woman being beaten whilst her children looked on. Whilst I called the cops, my Dad went over to stop the husband from hitting the wife. On this occassion there was no ambiguity as to whether violence was occuring or not, as in your case.
After that, she never pressed charges (as is usual in domestic violence cases) and they both always scowled at us when they saw us. They moved out after around 6 months as the house, which they had been renting, was sold.
Perhaps the wife’s animosity was because she hadn’t asked for help, whereas your neighbour was asking for some form of help?