Hi people, I need your help on my cover page…I know you guys are good with typos and grammatical errors and such, could you point out some of my errors in my coverpage…my little girls Sommer and Heaven futures depend on nailing this resume, thanks
Attn: Marion Salmon
Dear Marion Salmon:
I have been following the progress of natural gas being introduced into New Brunswick very closely and with a lot of interest. I strongly desire to become a part of the very first teams of servicemen in New Brunswick.
I have been trained from my very beginning to do Consumer’s Gas service calls. I have completed a large number of calls working for Mersey Heating and Air Conditioning on behalf of Consumer’s Gas with a very low repeat call percentage.
If you are seeking a serviceman who stays abreast of his field, who has good customer relations skills, and who can help make people comfortable with the idea of natural gas being in their homes, then please consider what I have to offer.
I have sent you my resume in hope that you may consider me as a possible employee or subcontractor.
Never address a letter to someone’s full name. That sounds like a form letter. (Dear Matthew McLauchlin: you may have just won $1 000 000!) Prefer “Dear Ms. (or Mr.) Salmon:”
I would say “service calls for Consumer’s Gas Co.”; otherwise it looks like incorrect capitalization. And don’t say “from my very beginning” (since you were born?) Say “from the very beginning of my career”.
In Canada, “resume” is a verb. Either write “résumé” with the accents or write “curriculum vitae” or “CV”. (I assume you mean the province of New Brunswick, not New Brunswick, NJ.)
“Sincerely” is a personal closing. In business usage, prefer “Very truly yours” or a variant on this.
By the way, if your adressee is in Saint John, New Brunswick, remember to spell out the word Saint. It is never spelled St. John, for arcane reasons, but I should know since I was born there.
Thanks for the help matt… after reading your critique of my cover letter I see what you are talking about… not into the funky little squiqqles above letters besides the fact I can’t do those wingdings on my comp, but I really appreciate your time and effort in pointing out some mistakes. Gonna purolate this tomorrow morning after I get some more replys and input from the dopers here
Since you asked, and I am trained in editing, here’re my suggestions:
Even in bilingual NB, nobody minds if the word resume has not accents.
You can tighten up your very first sentence by eliminating a few unnecessary words. Try “I have been following the introduction of natural gas…”
You might wish to change the gendered “serviceman/men”. If Marion is indeed a woman, she’ll think better of you if you sound politically correct.
4)“who can help make people comfortable with the idea of natural gas being in their homes” sounds vaguely patronizing. These people may not be unconfortable, they just haven’t had access yet. If you can find another way of expressing your sales skills, do so.
Add a contact number in the body of the message (perhaps in your closing) to reinforce the fact that you want to hear from her.
Other than that it’s a good letter, nice and short and to the point. Best of luck.
Thanks for that input. The woman in question is very familiar with the whole man thing with gasfitting, it is a guy thing, and the people in New Brunswick are not familiar with natural gas because they always been using oil, this is a recent thing being introduced.
I will look at your ideas and make necessary corrections where fit.
I’m from New Brunswick. I can tell you that I do not need to be ‘sold’ on the idea of natural gas, I think it’s a great idea and look forward to it being available. What you will have to sell is the price to switch over from oil or electric to natural gas. We already know the benefits.
I also must take a slight bit of offence to the whole ‘manfitting gas thing’, but that because I’m a woman.
Otherwise I have no further suggestions for you, it was a good letter. Good luck, I hope you get the job.
Thanks Angkins I am politically correct on most matters but I know the woman involved and it really is a man thing…perhaps I’ll be installing a furnace or air-conditioner in your home some time soon…