I love how anyone (the evil mom in this case) is depicted as an ugly, hideous harridan for disagreeing with God’s word. Then when they accept Jesus, they become nicer looking.
Oh darling, baptism can do wonders for your crow’s feet!
“Everyone will know why God won’t allow you into heaven.”
Isn’t that heresy? I thought Heaven/Hell was a choice, a not by works are you saved kinda thing.
Is the husband in this one played by Ron Jeremy, or is that only my imagination?
Also, I’m pretty sure the difference between Dirty Diamond and Dirty Sanchez is only a matter of degree.
Coming next week: The Rusty Trombone!
You can only be saved through huge plot holes and logical errors. HAW HAW HAW!
I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. “Something evil is coming to town. I can FEEL IT!”
Nor does anyone say, “Thanks, for even though I have lived my entire life in the US, a country where we are saturated with Christianity, I have never heard of this Jesus of whom you speak.”
Only if the stranger is also offering candy.
Yow! Chick’s in favor of prostitutes marrying one another? Cool!
Awesome.
Actually, that IS what they seem to say. No-one in these tracts (aside from the “savior” of the episode) ever seems to have heard of Jesus, which makes me wonder what rock they gestated beneath.
(My English teacher may kill me for that.)
I’m also wondering…when the wife calls her husband a “Moron,” why is it capitalized? Is it a title? An honorific? A subtle slap at the Latter-Day Saints?
I wanna see more of Li’l Suzy. She’s got that huge-eyed anime thing going. I’m betting Satan has penis-shaped tentacles. Rock my eternal soul, Suzy-babe. Boom-chaka-laka-laka, boom-chaka-laka-laka…take one for the Lord.
Okay…I am now going to Hell ahead of all of you!!
Eat my dust, etc.
I meant that in a sarcastic way. Sorry. Seriously, just for once I want to see someone say, “Dude, I’ve heard of Jesus, duh.”
Although I’d LOVE to pull that shit with a missionary and see if they fall for it. “Who’s Jesus?”
A friend of mine, Buddhist, responded to a missionary’s question (“Have you heard of Jesus?”) with, “Yes, I’ve heard the name and I understand some people think he was a very good man.”
No need to apologize, Guin. You blew right past me with that one. It was evidently my day to be clueless. I’ve always thought that was amazing about his tracts, too. Who in the English speaking world hasn’t heard of Jesus in some form or another?
Truly Mr. Chick lives on his own planet.
Mom: Billy, come on downstairs for dinner!
Billy: I can’t Mom, my guild is raiding Elderman! If I mess this up they’ll get their Shadow Priest to cast a Banishment spell on me and I’ll be a newb again!
Mom: Well don’t take too long Billy, it’ll get cold.
Billy: Mom, I have to concentrate! Leave me alone! !@#$ I just got ganked by a trollhunter! Shut up Mom!
Mom: Billy! You’re in big trouble, young man!
(later)
Preacher at door: Hello ma’am. I’d like to tell you about the dangers of the game called World of Warcraft.
Mom: Oh yes, Billy plays that game. I had to take it away from him for a while because he said a bad word, but now he’s playing again.
Preacher: You should take it away permanently. That game is a tool for seducing boys and girls to Satan’s side by using the Internet, where parents don’t understand how things work.
Mom: Oh my! I had no idea.
Preacher: Soon the game will feature a new area where the players will be able to travel to Hell, and consort with all the vile creatures that live there. You must tell your son to turn to Jesus before it’s too late.
Mom: Oh, but he hardly listens to me anymore. What can I do?
Preacher: Let me talk to the boy.
Billy: Yeah! Take that you *&^$ lamer!
Preacher: Billy, that’s not the kind of language the Lord likes to hear from little boys.
Billy: Who are you?
Preacher: I’m here to save your soul. You want to go to heaven when you die, don’t you?
Billy: What do I care? That won’t be for a very long time.
Preacher: It might be soon, you never know. Why, what if your guild decided to banish you, and you were so upset you tried to kill yourself?
Billy: What? How do you know about that?
Preacher: I’ve seen it happen before, Billy. Lots of good kids get seduced by these guilds in the World of Warcraft game, and then they get caught up in all these evil activities like ganking each other and kiting mobs to the Iron Forge so other people can get ganked too.
Billy: (Whoa, he knows about the game! Maybe I better listen.)
Preacher: Jesus doesn’t want you to gank or get ganked, Billy. He wants you to be saved. He wants you to know that soon the game will let you travel straight to Hell and consort with demons. You don’t want to be trapped in Hell, do you Billy?
Billy: No sir.
Preacher: Good, good! All you have to do is accept the Lord into your heart, and you will be saved!
Billy: Thank you mister! I don’t want to be ganked for real! I want to be saved!
Don’t get ganked in Hell, accept the Lord Jesus as your Savior.
You left out the “Now! On your knees!”
That’s the best part.
:eek:
Then there’s the scenario where the Chick-character-of-the-day happens to be walking through a Puerto Rican neighborhood and the person says “Oh, sure, I know Jesús, he works at the County office… wait, that’s Jesús Martínez – or do you mean Jesús Irizarry, the grocer? Then there’s Jesús Vega, but I know he’s not into religion at all…”
I work with a dude named Jesus. He curses quite a lot.
The Google ads are tripping me out right now. “Believe in Jesus? We’ll pay you p}{@+ 13\|+!!!1!!1!!!” I think Jesus would have to lay his vengeance upon those motherfuckers.
Stepping back to review The Dirty Diamond as a whole, one must admit that it’s unambitious and pedestrian, with none of the cackling demons, roaring Hellfire, or shameless Catholic-baiting we’ve come to expect from a Chick tract. It’s competently executed, but not much more–rather as if Spielberg were to crank out a formulaic 90-minute romantic comedy.
And yet it’s almost redeemed by the ending. “Let’s settle this–on our knees!” Every time I read it, I want to add “, bitch” or “in a bondage harness!” It’s one of the all-time great Chick lines. Don’t consign him to the retirement home just yet.
We can only hope Cthulhu devours us all before the experiment ends. I don’t think there’s an afterlife in Cthulhuism.