Clara Peller = appeared in TV commercials for Wendy’s fast food chain.
Mr. Whipple = appeared in TV commercials for Charmin toilet paper.
And now back to the show.
Clara Peller continues her rampage of terror as she walks through the unnamed city. For as zuma didn’t mention, Clara Peller died several years ago and now walks the earth as a zombie. She was reanimated by an unholy alliance of the dark forces of Baron Samedi and Dave Thomas.
Fox Mulder is talking on the phone with his partner Dana Scully. “Scully, this is the moment I’ve been waiting for. By killing this zombie, I’ll become the most pwerful man on Earth and I’ll finally be able to get the answers I’ve been looking for.” As Mulder puts down his phone he misses Scully’s reply, “Mulder, what the hell are you babbling about?”
Armed with a cross, silver bullets, and a salt shaker, as well as the knowledge that the good guy always wins on TV, Mulder overcomes the undead Peller and sends her back to the grave. “Thank God this wasn’t a George Romero movie. I’d have been in trouble.” he thought to himself as he boarded a flight to Washington to confront his real enemies.
Mulder stands over the mound of earth covering Clara Peller’s dead body. Suddenly, a voice rings out from behind him.
"Hi I’m Troy McClure, you may remember me from such movies involving aliens as, “E.G.T.-The Extra Groovy Terrestrial”, and “They Came to Burgle Carnegie Hall”
“Noooooooooooooooo!!!” screams Mulder as McClure bashes him in the face with the Golden Remote, smashing his sunglasses, destroying his cell phone, and leaving a nice tear in his leather coat. Mulders eyes glaze over…
“Hey Marge did you know they have the Internet on computers now?”
In the background, stirring movie theme music is heard. “Ba-bum-ba-bum-bum-bummmm…Ba-bump-ba-bum-bum-bummm…”
Rising up, a poerful& primal figure; is Arnold Schartzinegger in his role as Conan the Barbarian.
Swinging his broadsword 2 handed, AH-nold lops off one of Troy’s arms in one mighty swing.
“Can’t we talk about this?” whines McClure.
“No,we cahn’t; you little cartoon ghurlee-mahn!” shrieks AH-nold. "AH-nold shall rule supreme ohver dur vorld! "
**SLICE!!! SPLATT!!! **
“Urk.” says Troy, as the audience gets a close-up view of AH-nold inventorying McClure’s viscera.
“Aht lhast” coos the barbarian “Lebensraum!”
“There is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet man, though he do nothing but reprove.”
Countess Olivia to Malvolio; William Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night, Act 1, Scene 5.
as ah-nuld exits the scene, with an appropriate late-1980s fog envoloping him, brian bosworth, sylvester stallone, and jean-claud van damme suddenly appear out of the mist. each brandishing assorted weapons. ah-nold recoils and attempts to flee.
but then, suddenly, ben stiller appears, reminding us all that this is the year 2000. he whips out a calender, and suddenly all these 80s icons realize their true age and relevance, (as well as the current state of their respective colons) and die a peaceful, natural death.
ben stiller, now the most powerful man on earth, realizes with bitter irony that his time on this earth is short, and hopes that at some point, janeane garafolo is involved.
Not only is Janeane Garafolo involved, she takes much umbrage that Stiller would attempt to use his title as “the most powerful person in the world” to seduce her.
She tells him as much, with a line so typical of her razor-sharp sarcasm that the hack’s neck is severed by the words alone.
I would repeat those words here, but we don’t need any more bloodhed, now do we? Either way, Janeane Garafolo is now THE MOST POWERFUL PERSON IN THE WORLD!
I HAVE BEEN SMOKE-FREE FOR:
Two weeks, one day, 14 hours, 9 minutes and 58 seconds.
623 cigarettes not smoked, saving $77.95.
Life saved: 2 days, 3 hours, 55 minutes.
Inevitably, Janeane is confronted by her arch-nemesis, the only woman who can challenge her for the title of most heavily made-up woman on Earth: Tammy Faye Baker!
Janeane, having planned ahead for this attack, has armed herself with a multitude of deadly weapons. But all her plans are for naught, as Tammy Faye, with tears streaming down her face, loudly begins praying for Janeane’s salvation. Janeane, too nauseated to go on living, kills herself with her own weapons.
Janeane, ABOSOLUTELY INCENSED by the idea that she wears any makeup at all, much less any amount approaching tammy faye’s, burst upward from her grave, in all her undead glory.
Glancing at her notepad, she observes “hey, i can be taken out by chris rock, maybe, or some gay guy on christopher street. Even Newton Minnow. But shit.”
Always looking for an edge, and an ally, she avoids exhuming Ben Stiller, and finally decides to exhume howard cosell.
Howard and Janeane track down tammy faye, and quickly dispose of her in a matter which only Satan can fill in the disgusting details.
Janeane returns to her grave, finally able to rest in peace.
Howard, however, 10 years after his death, finds himself the most powerful ex-person in the world.
Ally McBeal shows up and declares that Paul Harvey is gay because he secretly watches her show. She then points at me and says the same thing, although she agrees that she put aside her liberal feminist policies for the time being and allow me to prove to the world that I am, in fact, a roaring heterosexual. However, she doesn’t really love me, and is only toying with me. Eventually, she breaks my heart and wins an Emmy. She starts to date Charlie Sheen and I am left by the wayside. Rather than plot my revenge in a spectacularly dramatic way, I live life quietly in upstate New York and work for a small computer company. When I receive an invitation to their wedding, I politely decline. They live happily ever after and have a child who looks vaguely like Winston from Ghostbusters. The most powerful person in the world is indetermined at this time.
Undetermined, yes, but still vanquished, when the Vogon space fleet blows the earth to smithereens in the process of building a new interstellar bypass. The Vogon commander chortles evilly. “Those humans thought they were powerful? Ha!”
The Commander of the Vogon Constructer Fleet sails through space, broadcasting bad poetry, after destroying Earth. Surely he is the most powerful being in the … well, not the world, I suppose under the circumstances. Let’s say he’s the most powerful being in the general area of space formally occupied by the world.
But that’s only until his ship is ambushed by the toughest, evilest, cruelest space pirate of the galaxy. Yes, wearing an eye-patch and a bloody cardigan sweater, it’s the Dread Pirate Fred Rodgers! Aiming a broadside of atomic cannons at the Vogon fleet, he murmurs “Can you said ‘No prisoners’?” as he touchs off the trigger and obliterates the Vogon Commander in mid-stanza. “I thought you could” he answers himself with a maniacal chuckle.
Note - It should be evident that it’s several hours past Little Nemo’s bedtime and he needs his sleep. Good night.
Fred Rogers, waking from the unfortunate nightmare where the world ended, wonders how in a dream he was able to become the most powerful person in the world.
In a daze while thinking about it and walking through the heighborhood, Mr. Rogers is unfortunately killed when run over by the neighborhood trolly.
Though foul play is ruled out, by default, some trolly operator becomes THE MOST POWERFUL PERSON IN THE WORLD!
I HAVE BEEN SMOKE-FREE FOR:
Two weeks, three days, 15 hours, 56 minutes and 18 seconds.
706 cigarettes not smoked, saving $88.32.
Life saved: 2 days, 10 hours, 50 minutes.
And as the tolley heads quietly back to the barn, the operator notices that the Big Red Line sign has been replaced by one for something called Cloverleaf Industries. The trolley pulls into the barn, when the door shuts behind it. The last thing the operator hears is a maniacal cackle when a huge vat of dip pours down, obliterating both the trolley and the operator from existance. The obliteration complete, a man in a dark suit and cape walks through to inspect the carnage.
“First Toon Town, now the WORLD!” exults Judge Doom.
I understand all the words, they just don’t make sense together like that.
As this battle cry that strikes terror into the most hardened criminals ring through the air Judge Doom turns a ghastly pale of white. And before he has time to put up a decent defense against the onslaught he is zapped with a million volts of electricity.
“Not only have i become a Pokemon master I am now the most powerful person in the world!! BWA HA HA HA HA!! NOW MY MILLION YEAR REIGN OF TERROR CAN BEGIN!!!”
You know you all want to see it… you know someone has to dare to do it. You know it ends now, it ends here. There can be no other after this.
Judge Doom is sitting in the trolley barn, evilly plotting the demise of all previously “indestructible” cartoon characters and thereby cementing a fairly long reign as Most Powerful Person in the World. For the rest of us, he plans on buying out snopes.com and turning it into a warehouse for the distribution of urban legends.
“I’m sorry, Judge,” a quiet voice says behind him. “I just can’t let you do that.”
Judge Doom turns around and sees two men holding a Super Soaker filled with DIP.
One, a bespectacled editorial fellow with a brush mustache, and the other disguised in a turkey mask, wearing a mortar board.
Doom’s eyes widen in horror. “It can’t be,” he hisses. “Ed Zotti and…”
“So long, sucka!” the other man says and hits Doom with both barrels. Doom perishes screaming, melting into a rainbow puddle of old ink and acetone.
Yes… the Prophecy has now come to pass.
CECIL ADAMS IS NOW THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD.
All I wanna do is to thank you, even though I don’t know who you are…
As Cecil strides across the barren landscape, a swarthy figure appears before him. It is at this point that he realizs his quest to fight ignorance is a futile one. Sensing his foes lack of originality, circular reasoning, and general poor attempts at copying the master, Cecil decides to become one with the cosmos rather than risk being compared to the newest, most powerful person in the world…
Marilyn Vos Savant.
Well, honey just tastes better when it comes from a bear’s head.
