New Neighbor

“Hi, I’m Eminem, hope you don’t mind if I put my recording studio in my backyard? Oh, my girlfriend Ann Coulter will be over a lot–but if you leak it to the press that we’re dating, I’ll f***in’ kill you, bitch.”

“…and after I buy your house and tear it down, I’ll have enough room for the hedgemaze.”

“Hi, son. Your mother and I just found the cutest place next door!”

(Mom, Dad, I kid!!!)

“Hi, I’m Richard Hatch, your new neighbor and I love to garden.”

Hope you don’t mind we brought dessert. It’s lime Jell-o with spam chunks.

FilmGeek already spelled out my first idea (Whoo… good thing you all ain’t insert racial, ethnic or sexual slur of choice here.)—which, btw, is very close to something I have heard from a neighbor once-upon-a-time—I’ll have to come up with fresh horrors:

“We believe that raising our children free of restrictions and supervision. Our eight children.”

“I hope my violent and psychotic ex can’t find me here.”

“Living in a city this big makes me kinda paranoid. But at least I have the comfort of my guns.”

zzzip What do you think about this? Think I could get some money for it? Should I be worried about that red spot?

Apologies to Rob Schneider

“It rubs the lotion on its skin. It does this when it’s told.”

I just keep getting these one at a time.

Will you take care of my pet scorpion? (I was actually asked this once.)

Have you seen my giant boa around your house? He escaped.

I don’t know, they haven’t identified the virus associated with this cough yet hack, hack.

You don’t mind if my youngest ones play over here during the day do you? We both work all day.

We have three Great Danes, man you ought to see the piles they lay.

My two brothers are in prison for home invasion and sexual assault, but they will be getting out next month.

“We’ll get along just fine, so’s long as you stay away from my three beautiful robot daughters.”

“I love my new leafblower. Nothing like doing yard work, I live for it. If I don’t have the lawn mowed and the leaves blown away by seven in the morning, then I consider the day wasted.”
“Yup, I’m a Gator** fan. Only thing there is to live for: eat, sleep, cheer for the Gators. Nothing like the U. of Florida. Yup, whole family went there, already got prepaid college plan for the little kids, I’ll disown the brats and claim they’re not mine if they even THINK of going to FSU. We’re painting the house in Gator colors next week, and didja see? The cars are all in Gator colors. C’mon over and check out the doorbell - had it reprogrammed to play the fight song. Even named the dog “Steve”. And I have the 12-foot inflatable Gator for the front lawn. So where’d you go? FSU, huh? Oh lookit the time, gotta go.”
** <please substitute the names of your local college rivalries>