Tradition schmadition. We’re gonna come up with a schedule of new Olympic events that people would tune in for, dammit. We want eye-catching rip-snorting action that the average Joe Sixpack couldn’t resist. We want stuff you’d TiVO and watch again and again, no matter how inane the commentary from the announcers.
Day 1.
8:00 am. Opening ceremony. The Olympic Torch will be lit in the culmination of a grand multinational chase in nitro-burning funny cars. Demolition is acceptable. Whichever car gets to the Olympic Torch first will crash into it and explode, setting off the torch.
10:00 am. Arena 1. Gladiator combat with vicious animals.
10:15 am. Arena 2. Mud wrestling.
11:00 am. Stadium A. Motorcycles jumping over bears holding sharks.
12:30 pm. Track and Field. Trying to escape the rhinoceros, 100 meters.
Specifically, the Gymnastics Commentator Shooting event. Tim Daggit. Elsie Schlagel. John Tesh.
If anyone takes out Tesh when he starts into one of those treacle-stories on the pretty little girl who has overcome adversity to be there… BAM! Gold medal for you, sir.
Oh dear - already we’ve come up against an issue, conflicting national codes. Banger racing, and demolition derbies, are very different in Britain. I do hope the IOC don’t try to force through some compromise which suits neither party.
**Labyrinth Combine ** – race through the maze, wrestle the bull in the middle, and make your way out. First out (or sole survivor, as the case may be) wins.
Or, just hold every event as the Greeks did – with all athletes being male, nude, and covered in a fine sheen of olive oil. Sure, many commercial sponsors would drop out, but the viewership of women would go through the roof.
Hot dog eating contests
-lawn bowling
swimsuit competition (women only), i predict the “Swedish Bikini Team” will take gold
-sheep dog trials (heck, if you can have equestrian events, why not man-dog events?)
-dwarf-tossing
We could roll up a whole bunch of events, like the decathlon, except it would be the sexathlon. Subcontests would include pole dancing, a wet-t-shirt competition, and hundred-yard-teabagging.
We also need the 1600 Meter Gotta Piss Like A Racehorse Drunken Stagger.
Athletes (separated by weight class) are given enough beer on an empty stomach to put them well over the legal blood-alcohol limit. They must then stumble through a crowded field decorated with barstools, pinball machines, people dancing, pool tables, beer-sticky floors, and cocktail waitresses until they get to the restrooms.
