New Years' Resolutions on Behalf of People In The Arts

Cafe Society
1

  1. I will not write/create any more TV shows/movies whose villain is a serial killer. (Serial killers are just TOO easy. Sure serial killers create suspense when they kill their first coupla victims and then you have to stop them before they kill again. But you know, that’s been done. And done. And done. It’s become a cliche, something you do INSTEAD OF coming up with an original plot. Keep your grubby paws out of that easy-to-reach serial killer bin and you’ll create much better stories.)

  2. I will not write/create any more hentai where the main reason people have sex is because they are being blackmailed into it. (Almost every hentai I have ever seen where blackmail is the motive for sex (and there are SOOO many of them) has been crappy. See, in those hentai where the characters have some feeling for one another than lust and loathing, the stories tend to be stronger because they have to be. And the characters are more believable because they aren’t total cardboard.

That’ll do for now. I’m sure I’ll come up with others later.

2

[Lindsay Lohan] I will put those incredible “Freshman Fifteen” pounds back on and never, ever try to lose them again! [/Lindsay Lohan]

[Jessica Simpson] I will bar my parents, especially my father, from ever involving themselves with my business decisions again. [/Jessica Simpson]

[Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas] I will endeavor to dress more provocatively in my videos from here on out. [/Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas]

[Sarah Michelle Gellar] I will stop citing “artistic reasons” as the motivation for making crappy kid/horror movies instead of BtVS projects. [/Sarah Michelle Gellar]

[Emma Watson] My first serious romance will not be with Willmer Valderrama, Tommy Lee or Benicio del Toro [/Emma Watson]

3

Pat Robertson: I resolve not to ask the government to assassinate anyone again.

George W. Bush: I resolve not to tell anyone they are doing a heckuva job unless they actually are doing a heckuva job.

Earl Hickey: Hell, he’s got a whole list of 'em!

4

…and I will clear my insane ranting through a neutral party BEFORE going on TV and spewing it out.

5

Actually, these are not people in the arts, hence inappropriate for Cafe Society. I heartily endorse the idea of you starting a thread in Great Debates with these points, and will happily add a few of my own.

6

Actually, these are not people in the arts, hence inappropriate for Cafe Society. I heartily endorse the idea of you starting a thread in Great Debates or IMHO with these points, and will happily add a few of my own.

7

Actually, these are not people in the arts, hence inappropriate for Cafe Society. I heartily endorse the idea of you starting a thread in Great Debates or IMHO with these points, and will happily add a few of my own.

8

Well, at least one is a fictional character from a TV show. I wasn’t thinking when I wrote the post. And Pat Robertson kinda sorta counts, since he said his stuff on television. Okay, let me think…
R. Kelly: If I ever find myself trapped in a closet again, I resolve not to write an inane miniseries in song form about my experiences.

9

Good point. In general:

  1. If I achieve success with a certain “look” I will endeavor to retain it. Particularly, I will not starve off all body fat, because thinner is not always better. If people liked me for having a dimply chins and a few curves, dropping them in favor of the haggard bulimic look may not make them like me more.

Along the same lines:

  1. I will neither enlarge nor reduce my breast size, so long as it is reasonably proportionate to the rest of my body. (OK, this one doesn’t stand a chance in hell of succeeding, so long as the Oscar people continue to loathe large breasts, and porn fans continue to love them, but it’s at least worth saying.) That said: If I DO choose to enlarge my breasts, I’ll buy my silicon by the ounce, not the gallon.

  2. I will NEVER pump collagen into my lips. If I do, I’ll stick a pneumatic tube in my ass and take up life as a blow-up doll.

In general: 4. If I achieve fame by being sexy, I’ll remain sexy for as long as people seem to like me to be sexy. Could make for a VERY long ride: ask Kim Cattrell.
]

10

OK, I’ll cut some slack on this one, hentai makers. All those pathetic, whininhg emails I’ve received have softened my heart. Or some such organ. Anyway, You CAN use blackmail IF you bother to come up with some silly, funny or otherwise interesting basis for the blackmail. Such as:

"You must become my sex slave, or I will release these videos which:

  1. prove that you brush your teeth side to side rather than up and down!"

  2. show that you sometimes like to drink teriyaki sauce STRAIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE!"

  3. were recently turned into a newt!"
    C’mon, have a little fun, these are toons.

11

Well, I got better.