Here we are, just a few more days before we embark into that brand new year known as 2004. And what a good year it will be. Of course, some people are hoping that they can also accomplish things in the new year they have yet to accomplish. You know, the usual quite smoking, lose 15 lbs, or finally commit in a meaningful relationship. However, some people resolve to do other things during the year. After much research, digging through trash, making harassing phone calls, and well, just plain intuition (read: imagination) I have compiled a list of New Year’s Resolutions that many people have made for 2004.
Cincinatti Bengals - Make the playoffs (I know, same one as last year, and the year before that, and the year before that and…)
George W. Bush - Work my hardest to win the Presidential Election in November. (I managed to get this one froma secret White House audio tape. To be even more precise, Dubya was sounding pretty sarcastic when he said it, and then everyone burst out laughing)
Princess Anne - I won’t let my dogs run loose at Mum’s anymore. (Whatever gave you that idea…)
Saddam Hussein - I resolve to continously goad the U-S into attacking Iraq, so I can make them look like fools when we easily repel them from our borders, and humiliate them on the world stage. (Sorry, this is last year’s. I was unable to gain access to his spider-hole to grab his notes for this years. Osama had already taken up residence)
Bono, from U2 - I’m finally going to shut up about third-world debt, and finally work with my band to prduce an album that is a worthy followup to “Rattle N Hum” (Apparently, his bandmates had just finished beating him up prior to the announcement)
Paul Martin, new Canadian Prime Minister - I resole to not punch any protestors, mangle the English language, or insult the American President. (His predecessor made the same promise 10 years ago. Let’s hope he can hold true.)
The Democratic Presidential Candidates - We resolve to work our hardest to get elected into the White House. (This resolution as well, was met with great snickerings from behind closed door at the White House)
East German Women’s Weightlifting Team - To shave our legs before competition that way no one will suspect our massive drug doping. (Oooops, wrong year once again. Just looked into papa Xayoz’s prognostications from 1984 by accident)
**The Saskatchewan Roughriders, the local CFL Team ** - We are going to try to make it through the playoffs, without choking as soon as we are faced with a situation that would place us in the champioships. (The same thing was heard from the locker room of the Ottawa Senators of the NHL)
Xayoz306 - I think I’m going to try quitting smoking, and losing 15 lbs. Since last year I resolved to maintain a longterm relationshoip and that worked, maybe now I can finally kick that dirty habit. (We all know he’ll smoke util the day he dies…)