I’m going to remodel it into one of those slimline phones by using a vice.
And then I’m going to insert it through your eye-socket and into your brain so that it goes with you wherever you go.
And while I’m at it I’ll move onto your other irritating habits… I’m going to cut the end off each one of your fingers so that your maniacical typing causes you so much pain that you give it up.
Someone leaving their phone behind is a golden gift from the prank gods.
You’re roommate is gay?
Colleague. Yes. He goes out every ten or fifteen minutes for mansechs.
My old roommate used to use his cell phone as an alarm clock and it had a really obnoxious ringtone. He’d wake up a few minutes before it went off, hop in the shower and then I’d have to listen to his ringtone for the niext 10-15 minutes.
Fortunately, I had a good lawyer so after I killed him the judge decided it was justifiable, so I’m still a free man.
I think you mean vise. It was still worth a chuckle, though.
Strong squashy thing. Not pleasurable bad habit.
Indeed! If his wife or GF calls, tell 'em he’s occupied right now, sucking some fag. 
Now that is a vice.
better yet, tell his wife or g/f about each other…
I’ve ranted about my boss’s phone before. My boss has chinese bladder which means she is on the toilet every twenty minutes. And when she’s not on the toilet she’s in the kitchen making a diet shake or getting a diet drink out of the machine or scarfing down dips and chocolate. All of which means the damn phone with it’s stupid tune which gets louder and louder is unattended. Then the bstd makes this goddawful noise to indicate a message has been left. I listen to this a number of times a day and it’s driving me batshit. She does however have some vice-like pics of her and her ex-bf (bj pics) on the phone. Maybe next time, I shall walk through the office with the pic on the screen asking if any-one has seen her - her phone needs to be answered.
I sympathise.
“Chinese bladder”?
I once left my phone in my coat pocket when I went down to lunch. It rang. My ringtone was the Chickenman theme song. I got some odd looks when I came back to my desk.
Now I take it with me.
I’d be sorely tempted–depending on how much I liked the colleague, of course–to text “FUNNY” to 1-800-555-JOKEZ or somesuch.
That’s what those commercials are for, right?
Just don’t text ‘I want to kiss your face’ to every single person in his phone book including his boss, his ex-boss, his ex-boss’s boss, the guy he has a crush on, my ex-boss and several hundred other people, mmkay? Because when that happened to a friend of mine, she was totally embarrassed – and she hadn’t done anything to deserve it.
I’ve found that if you push every button on the outside of a ringing cell phone, it usually shuts up.
So I have to walk across the office and shut the phone off every time he goes out for his fag?
As punishment, switch it into the most obscure language the phone can do. I have a friend who’s phone had almost a dozen language choices. In addition to the standard English, French, and Spanish, it had Russian, German, Greek, Italian, and Japanese. Loads of fun with him. 
Just remember, US dopers, that you can always find out the phone number of most cell phones by simply dialing 1-800-444-4444 from the phone in question. It will read back the number to you. Write it down.
Then call it (blocked, of course) at 2:00AM, 4:00AM, and 5:00AM one Friday night.
No. Don’t. Really. I mean it. Don’t take my stupid post as real advice.
Too late. And if I do it, I’m going to say that it was a moderator that gave the advice, so it had some authority behind it. 
Nah, think clever. Take the battery out and put small bits of electrical tape on the contacts. Then put the battery back in.
See how many time he tries to charge it before he figures it out.