Bad news, NFL fan — after an investigation found your favorite team in violation of an obscure rule mandating a minimum number of alliteratively-named white guys with douchey hair, Roger Goodell has decreed that one of their 2012 roster spots will be taken up by none other than Tim T. himself. The good news is that he’ll give you, a randomly-selected fan, a bit of choice in your team’s fate.
You see, lucky guy or gal that you are, you get to decide whether your team fills their deficit with holy-rolling [del]full[/del] quarterback Tim Tebow, or Mr. Irrelevant 2010 himself, wideout Tim Toone.
Along with the player you choose, you’ll also inherit their contract. For Tebow, that’s five years at $9.75 million, $8.7 million guaranteed, with $23.25 million available through incentives. Toone is on the Broncos’ practice squad at $465,000, but since he’ll be on your active roster, you’ll have to pay him the two-year minimum of $540k.
Each has their pros and cons — Tebow undoubtedly has his uses, especially in the hands of a talented coach/OC, but he hits your salary cap a lot harder. And, of course, there’s the big one: Tebowmania. It’s guaranteed to sell jerseys and fill seats, but do you really want that drama hanging over your team all season? Taking Toone, on the other hand, is more or less just burning a roster spot while you ride out the year, but he comes a lot cheaper, and, hey, he might have some upside. Stranger things have happened.
So, those are the rules. What say you?
As a Charger fan, I’m taking Toone. The Bolts have no needs at QB — say what you want about Whitehurst, but A) he knows the system and B) he can actually throw. In all honesty, though, that’s my last concern; I have no doubt that Norv could find something interesting to do with an athlete of Tebow’s caliber. No, if you want the real reason I want nothing to do with him, just ask John Elway and every other poor guy in Denver who had to stare at that fucking billboard every day.
First INT of the season, the hammer-of-God-botherers will fall, and it (and every second of media coverage) won’t stop pounding at the whole team’s sanity until the Tebowites get what they want. And if you want to point out that Philip Rivers isn’t Kyle Orton, I’d remind you that that’s an argument based on reason, which won’t get you anywhere with that crowd. Add to that the fact that after an uncharacteristically aggressive free agency, the Chargers’ remaining cap room would barely accommodate Tebow anyway, and one WR slot and $540k seems like a small price to pay indeed. Hell, A.J. Smith ended up pulling receivers out of the parking lot in 2010; Toone has to be better than at least some of them.
