Nine Million Ways to Die

The BBQ Pit
1

My farm is sold. The new place has been purchased.

Tomorrow I move (which means I probably won’t be goofing off at work, posting.)

How’s it gonna happen?

  1. When I attempt to my daughter’s 1000 pound playhouse onto the trailer with an improvised block and tackle will it swing out of control and splat me against a tree?

  2. Will it be loading the tractor on the trailer. Will it collapse, roll and squish me like a bug? or it will simply break loose while I brake my truck and hurtle off the trailer into the passenger compatment?

  3. Will I tip the truck while trying to get down the precarious hill to retrieve the picnic table?

  4. Will the runaway appliance get away from me on a staircase and smear me into the rug?

  5. Will I have a rupture trying to move a dresser?

  6. Will messing with all the electrical hookups fry me like that guy in “The Green Mile?”

  7. Will I trip while moving the fish tank and drive a shard glass through my eye and into my brain?

  8. Will the tire blow on my overloaded truck sending me careening into a telephone pole?

  9. When I try to load a horse onto the trailer will it spook, and kick my head off?

  10. Will it be a random freak accident like lightning, or a meteor?

…Or it will it be one of the eight million, nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety other ways that I have yet to think of?

2
  1. Will you trip and impale yourself on a sharp garden tool left out by the Amish kids from across the field?
3

You know, you CAN hire people to do this for you…

4
  1. Will the remaining gophers undermine your path, allowing you to plummet to your death in their near Grand Canyon-sized trap?
5

Hippie dies in freak accident. Film at 11.

6

Wiil one of the guys you hire to help you move turn out to be an armed and dangerous felon (the only kind there is, didja ever notice?) who shivs you for asking him to take the heavy end of the sofa?

7
  1. Will you peacefully pass from this mortal coil, painless and content, after a long, productive life, surrounded by your loved ones, at the age of 105, with your mind still as sharp as when you were 25?
8
  1. Will you sit down to your first meal in the new home, having moved and unpacked everything and settled in, only to choke on a gulp of water, causing an aneurysm?
9
  1. Will you be distracted by an attractive sheep and be run over by a bus? (I realise that busses probably don’t go by your house, but there are certain rules ya gotta follow)
10

Maybe you should go around with a wet sponge strapped to your head, just in case.

11
  1. What if you catch the Mennonite mafiosos fishing your pond again? Will you be able to resist a final confrontation? And what if they brought axes this time…?
12
  1. What if, late tonight, while lying in bed and stressing out about tomorrow’s move, you have a massive coronary?
13
  1. What if a small metorite smacks you in the head when you step outside, splattering your brains all over the place and making a big mess.
14

Will you remember to take all the crap sealed in cartons that you haven’t looked at in 8 years, so that you can pile it in the attic in the new place, to be ignored for many more years to come?

15
  1. When you’re bringing your safe down thru a second story window by means of a precarious block and tackle, will the rope break, sending the safe plummeting to your cranium?
16
  1. You wife tires of you spending so much time on the boards ranting about the home life…and dope slaps you into the hereafter…
17
  1. While moving a couch, will you fall on a dirty spoon someone tossed under their in 1983 and catch AIDS?
18
  1. Will you die of embarassment after typing “their” when you meant “there” ? …sigh…
19

I vote for #20, but instead of a safe it’s the grand piano stored in the attic.

stv

20

stv: he’ll be able to protect himself if he holds up a tiny umbrella.