OpalCat, most people have beaten me to it, but graduation gifts are pretty standard in my set of people (the group I grew up around). I got lots of cool stuff that was useful - a big laundry duffel bag, a crate full of toiletries (shampoo, lotion, razors, towels), some rolls of quarters for laundry, journals, pen and paper sets, etc…
Scarlett, thanks for the compliment! I know you said I was gracious, but I do have to admit that I grumbled through many of my T-Yous - HS graduation especially. But hey, if it’s the thing to do, you do it I guess.
My formula for T-Yous is simple: just don’t use a particular item until a note has been sent. Now this usually means the people who sent dishes get theirs before the ones who sent the candelabra thingy, but in a week’s time you really can’t tell whose got written first anyway.
Addresses: in most of my gifts the giver had included a “calling card” - basically a business card size or smaller with “Jim and Cindy Rowles” on it with their address written on the back. This eliminated the searching form most addresses. Of course I wasn’t above calling the church where I had one shower and requesting a directory to get some of the addresses. In one extreme case I just looked the person up in the phone book and called them. Of course they gave me the standard “Oh, you don’t have to do that” response but I told her that it was a lovely gift I would be using often and would feel better if I could thank them properly.
And I love Etiquette Hell!
Hey, that’s great! Good on you. 
Remember that the essence of a gift is not in the object itself, but in the thought, effort, and expense (whatever the object’s cost) that the giver put into it. Children bring their mommies dandelions out of the yard, and good mommies say, “My! Are these for ME?? How pretty! Thank you!” and put them in water on the dining room table as a reminder of the child’s love. My friend gave me some bath salts she made for me to try. I don’t really use bath salts; I tried them once and left them in a jar in the bathroom. Maybe some guest will use them; in the meantime they look nice in the jar and remind me of my thoughtful friend. People buy silver cups and pearl necklaces for babies, intending them as keepsakes or for the baby to use when it’s older.
Perhaps the giver feels that crystal is a traditional wedding gift. Perhaps they meant for it to become an heirloom that you will pass to your children. (My mother rarely used her punch bowl, but I am very glad to have it.) Either way, the gifts of crystal vases were lovely gestures in that the givers wanted you to have a nice quality item.
Perhaps you could keep one crystal vase, packed up carefully at your parents’ house until you have nicer digs, and discreetly “regift” the others. (Heavens! Did I really say that? Yes, but you must be extra careful.) Who knows? Someday in the future you might be in a romantic mood and want to present your love with some posies. Doesn’t work in a mayonnaise jar.
PUBLICBLAST –
The point is, people assumably get you things they think you can use or – or – might enjoy. Many people think that a wedding is an occasion for a couple to get nice, heirloom-type stuff that will be “theirs,” as opposed to “his” or hers." And when you think about it, if that was your mindset, something crystal is perfect as that type of gift. And this is an especially common mind-set in older people.
The point is not that you might not in truth appreciate what you’re given – A fourth crockpot ; thanks, Aunt Clara! – but that you should appreciate the spirit of good wishes in which the gift is given. I think what people were objecting to was the lack of gratitude. Surely you have a decent class of friends and don’t truly believe your friends and family got you stuff they thought you’d think was useless and would actively dislike. Think about it: You could just as easily be posting to complain that your cheap guests didn’t get you any crystal, which you would have appreciated as valuable mementos of your marriage. People don’t know what you want, so they get you what they think you would like. Even when they’re wrong, you should at least give them credit for trying.
Re the crystal thing:
How 'bout a twist on it?
The ex and I both had established household and, as the wedding was in one state and we were in another, and as we were about to transfer 5,000 miles away, we specifically requested no glass or crystal.
Neither did we register anyplace…because we didn’t want anything.
Yet some of my distant relatives gave crystal, over which I oohed and aahed, and grudingly wrote thank you notes, and those stupid crystal bowls are currently in a box in the attic cos I didn’t want nor need them.
So Bad News Baboon, beagledave, drpepper, Guinistasia, and crankyasanoldman can collectively bite my ass.
And I mean that in the nicest way possible
This is where “re-gifting” comes in. Keep the card with the item, so you know who originally gave it to you, then keep the gift somewhere, like the attic or a closet. Then when you need a gift for something, you pull it out, (remove the original card, of course!), re-wrap it, and off you go.
As long as you haven’t used it, and it’s something nice, and not just a piece of crap, I don’t see anything wrong with it.
Trust me, people do it; they just won’t admit it.
I have a hideous enormous ornate crystal candy dish sitting in my attic, but haven’t had the nerve to pass it off on anyone yet. It’s just too ugly. (But I wrote a wonderful Thank-You note!)
As chique also said, when my husband and I got married, we also specified “no gifts.” We both had been married before, and had been living together for about a year. We did not register anywhere.
People still gave us gifts.
We did get a nice Waterford crystal vase that I thought I’d never use, but have ended up using quite a lot, so you never know.
[Mini-Rant]
I hate when people have nice things and just let them sit in a china cabinet collecting dust. Use them!
You’ll enjoy them a lot more if you actually use them, rather then just looking at them and dusting them every week.
[/Mini-Rant]
I just want to say that as two people right out of college trying to start our lives together I was nearly weeping with joy to receive crystal. I was able to have friends over and have a beautiful dinner party right away, and I think crystal is so beautiful I ask for a piece EVERY holiday. It makes even macaroni and cheese look way classy. People always say that they feel at home at my home and it’s because even though i’m not loaded down with cash, I like to have things pretty and well presented.
iF you don’t want your crystal, send it to me. I’ll buy you thirty bucks worth of styrofoam cups to replace it
that’s how everyone responds to my gifts.
you mean they didn’t like the plastic Fred Flinstone head that opened up and had a bunch of little plastic toys and fancy pencils in it, to be used as a ‘reward/bribe’ jar for their kids?
Yep, Matt rocks!
In keeping with the spirit of the OP:
Dear Chique,
I wanted to thank you so much for the kind invitation to ‘Bite You’.
I am quite regretful to decline your offer.
It seems I have bad allergies - I find that ‘biting’ people in such situations makes me break out. I find that ungratefullness and myself do not make for a good mix.
I do hope that all my comarades take you up on your offer and have a pleasant time in doing so. Please know that although I may be far away from your little fete, I will be raising a finger in your honour.
Yours ever so,
Babs
the OP is not about getting gifts you didn’t want or what have you. Its about being gracious enough to THANK someone in a written format, of which you did: congratulations on being well mannered.
and to no one in particular:
There is no law that says you MUST keep a gift. Regifting is not a bad thing if done with discretion. Who knows? Maybe you were regifted and hence the crystal.
Hell, you don’t even have to thank people. Just don’t be surprised
when invitations to baby showers, etc are declined.
There’s a little thng called “class”. Its free, even. try it sometime. You may be surprised at its outcomes.
and yes, I also agree: if you have crystal, use it!
life is way to short to keep stuff in curio cabinets.
oh and chique, I meant to put a 
up there!
Maybe they did, and maybe they didn’t. That’s the beauty of the sideways thank-you.
My Mother-in-law states that etiquette is not something observed for wedding and the like, but ALL the time!
Sure, she’s probably parroting Miss Manners or someone of her ilk, but she’s right!
Heh. My first “big” experience with invitations and thank-yous was my high-school graduation. I sent out around 100 invitations to my graduation – spent a couple of days making the list of relatives, friends, parents’ friends, etc. My mom happened to see the list just as I was making up the invitations, and pointed to a name on the page.
Mom: “Why are you inviting them?”
Me: “Because I want them to come to my graduation.”
Mom: “But, son, they won’t get you anything.”
Me (flabbergasted): “So what? I just want them to be at my graduation. I don’t care if they get me anything.”
Mom: “Son, when you get an invitation to a graduation, you’re expected to give a gift.”
I was horrified. I seriously considered putting a little slip of paper in every invitation that said “Don’t give me a gift; just come to my graduation!” I didn’t want these folks to think I was gift-trolling; I’d never even considered that prospect.
Eeek . . . I’ve received many a thank-you note bearing these exact words! I hope they aren’t looking and my handmade doilies (they do indeed take hours to make!) and thinking, “Oh my god, this is ugly as sin!” :o
Am I the only one who’s amused at the notion that the crystal that Publicblast and Mrs. Publicblast got probably came from people who received it at their weddings and didn’t want it . . .
And so, the cosmic cycle continues . . .
p.s. Very classy response, Publicblast. You are an example to us all.
OK, maybe I need to clarify. The phrase I gave as examples of what to say when opening a hideous gift are not necessarily SYNONYMS for “What crap” – they’re just things you can say about ANY gift (whether you like it or not) that can be taken as complimentary and are not a lie, so it’s easier to be sincere when you say them. I myself am terrible at faking enthusiasm and saying I like something when I don’t, so I use these phrases to put the focus on the, er, uniqueness of the object and/or the efforts of the giver, rather than on whether I truly like it. If you do it well, no one can tell which gifts you liked and which you didn’t. Everyone goes home happy.
But see, part of the beauty of a chrystal gift from the giver’s point of view is the fact that you’re poor right now. Just because you don’t have a curio cabinet right now doesn’t mean you won’t have one in 20 years when, presumably, you’ll still be married. It’s a gesture of faith on their part that you two will make it, and that, on your 20th anniversary, you’ll look with joy on the classy, heirloom-quality gifts that you received so long ago on the day you wed. So you’re not in your late 20s or well-established right now. Those gifts assume that someday, you will be. Isn’t that nice of them?
Several of the guests at my shower commented that they understood we were in a small, 1-bedroom apartment right then, so they hoped we could store their gift until we had a house. Worked for me. Even the ugly gifts (and there were a few) still represented the giver’s desire to share our joy and add to it. The point isn’t that we don’t particularly like what they gave us; the point is that they gave us something at all.
Getting right back into the etiquette discussion, a wedding couple is NEVER supposed to express a wish for not getting certain kinds of gifts. Honestly, that tight-assed ol’ Emily Post would say it’s the height of rudeness to tell someone what to get you. Or not get you.
I think that much of that formal etiquette crap is way behind the times so I don’t formally subscribe to it, but I’m just a-sayin’…
Oh, chique, do you have a cheek preference? Or am I supposed to bite both?
In keeping with what jarbabyj and I have both said: USE IT! Don’t shove it away in a china or curio cabinet. You’ll just resent have to dust it all the time.
You got, what, five crystal vases? Buy a couple of cheap grocery-store bouquets and place several vases around your humble apartment. You’ll be amazed at how much they brighten up the place. You will end up being glad you have them, instead of being pissed that someone gave you such a “thoughtless” gift.
I got married at age 19 and liked getting nice dishes and crystal candleholders and stuff. Assuming that your age should be some magical clue to people that you don’t want crystal is a bit ridiculous.
Greetings again, all.
Re-gift the crystal
- We’ve already started to do this. We have to confess to being somewhat baffled–the people to whom we re-gift the crystal act like it’s some revelation, truly a gift from heaven. I guess the wife and I are part of some New World Order ™ that is on a different wavelength which does not appreciate crystal. [shrug] And hey, jarbabyj, I’m really tempted to take you up on your offer!–especially since you live in Chicagoland, right? We could get a heck of a lot more utility out of some nice cups than our damn crystal candlesticks. :rolleyes: Feh!
Heirlooms
- [lowclass]I guess me and wifey are just low-class or weird people: we don’t expect to ever have any desire for crystal. Now ceramics we could discuss… [/lowclass]
New World Order
- Speaking of the New World Order–although I have changed my impressions of the thank-you card issue, I have to confess that it’s more peer pressure than actually seeing any sense in it. I find it to be similar to Emily Post-types saying that gift registries are rude: sure, if your social network is extremely close-knit and they all know the married couple’s situation intimately, then it’s presumptuous to tell people what you want. But since even my own family is generally unaware of our situation, let alone my father’s colleagues’ friends-of-friends, I don’t grasp what Ms. Post is getting at.
To return to the topic, I still fail to see the allure of huge group-thank yous. When I give gifts to people, I expect no acknowledgement. If I get a thank-you note, it gets browsed and tossed–I think neither more of the person for sending one nor less for not sending one. I consulted with a few trusted associates in my age group, all of whom are well-bred folks, wifey included, and they seemed to agree. “If I did send out hundreds of notes,” said one friend, “it would only be due to some kind of external pressure–family or in-laws or somesuch.”
Perhaps we can start a New World Order, in which gift registries are actually good etiquette, and a lavish reception dinner and the verbal thanks of the married couple are thanks enough.
But we’re stuck in the Matrix in the meantime. [sigh] jarbabyj, contact me about that crystal, will ya? 