One day of prayin’ and six nights of fun. Odds against going to Heaven, six to one.
Heaven is in your mind.
Whoa, death come a knockin’ on that sinners door
Said old sinner, "Are you ready to go?
"He said, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
Because I ain’t got on my travelin’ shoes…
Saint Peter don’t you call me 'cause I can’t go
I owe my soul to the company store
Oh, you can’t get to heaven in a trolley car
'Cause the gosh darn thing won’t go that far.
! So apparently 380 won’t get you to Heaven!
** Or 136, cause I guess it was filmed in Dyersville but the film noted a place outside of ‘Iowa City’.
Oh you can’t get to heaven
In a biscuit tin
'Cos God won’t let
Those crummy ones in
Well, according to John Denver, West Virginia is almost heaven.
as I have it on good authority that:
If I die before I wake
At least in heaven I can skate
Cause right now on Earth I can’t do jack
Without the man up on my back
Oh, you can’t get to heaven on a pair of skis
'Cause you’ll schuss right through St. Peter’s knees.
You can’t get to heaven in a bottle of gin, 'cause the Lord won’t let no spirits in…
You can’t get to heaven in Akela’s* bra, 'cause Akela’s bra won’t stretch that far…
You can’t get to heaven on a sheet of glass, 'cause a sheet of glass will cut your arse…
*We sang it in Cub Scouts 
I learned it as:
You’ll never get to heaven …
In a Playtex bra cus a Playtex bra won’t stretch that far
On rollerskates, cus you’ll roll right by those pearly gate
I am in disbelief that this song popped into my head yesterday … after thirtymmmrrs years … and here today there’s a thread about it! Rilchiam were you hiding in my kitchen yesterday? 
You can’t get to heaven in a red canoe
'cause the Lord’s favorite color is Carolina Blue.
I only contribute this for completeness.
No, I wasn’t in your kitchen, Ellen, but since you brought it up–
There’s bread and cheese…upon the shelf…
If you want any more…you can get it yourself!
You can’t get to Heaven
In a Heinz Beans tin
Cause a Heinz Beans tin
Got Heinz Beans in.
But if I get to heaven
Before you do
I’ll dig a hole
And spit on you.
If you get to heaven, before I do -
Just tell the Lord, I’m coming too.
My mother, gone six years now, taught me this verse:
Oh, you can’t get to heaven in an old Ford car…
'Cuz the darned old thing won’t run that far!
Well, look’a here, Huck, if you wanna get to heaven I’ll tell you right now, you better learn to read and you better read your Bible 'cause you’ll never get to Heaven if you don’t know how!
I’ve also been told that if you want to get to heaven you have to raise a little hell, but I don’t know about that one.
Oh, you can’t get to heaven with powder and paint
'Cause the Lord don’t want you as you ain’t.