My Good Deed of the Day:
How to Fend Off Cigarette Leeches Permanently and Passive-Aggressively; i.e., Without Resorting to Weapons of Mass Destruction.
You know who I’m talking about. It’s the people at work/school/home/the store/the coffeeshop/prison who smoke – but only your cigarettes. They are skilled at the guilt trip, but apparently not skilled enough to hold down a job that will pay enough money to buy their own pack. You fall prey to their psychological chicanery, each time kicking yourself for being such a pushover and vowing never again to share cigarettes.
You’re worries are over!! Mr. Hand’s new technique will help you fend off cigarette vultures without pain, without guilt, and without risking a felony conviction!
For a limited time, Mr. Hand will share his patented/copyrighted/super-duper secret technique with you, the teeming smoking masses, free of charge!!
Step 1: Identify the cigarette vultures. You will know them by their always asking to bum a smoke but never reciprocating. Write down a list of said vultures and where you might see them. Title the list, "Vulture Alert Zones."
Step 2: Accept a higher power. Realize that you will never, without Mr. Hand’s help, be able to stave off the psychological techniques of cigarette vultures. Don’t count on your willpower preventing you from succumbing to their wiles (after all, you are a cigarette addict).
Step 3: Go to your local Head Shop. Purchase one (1) pack of Black Death Cigarettes – which you will identify by it’s black color and the grinning skull on the front of the pack – for each "Vulture Alert Zone" on your list made in Step 1.
Step 4: If possible, secret a pack of Black Death Cigarettes in each "Vulture Alert Zone" so that you don’t have to worry about carrying multiple packs of cigarettes with you everywhere you go.
Step 5: Whenever you enter a "Vulture Alert Zone," immediately retrieve the Black Death Cigarettes and have them ready for deployment.
Step 6: If approached by a cigarette vulture and asked for a smoke – pay attention now, this is the crucial part – Give Them a Black Death Cigarette.
Step 7: Watch them cough and hack on the Extra Gooey Tar Goodness of Black Death Cigarettes! Offer them another for added fun! If needed, summon the paramedics to bring the asphyxiating cigarette vulture to the hospital!
Step 8: Repeat until cigarette vultures either (1) die or (2) learn their lesson.
** Warning: Do not yourself ever attempt to smoke a Black Death Cigarette. They’re nasty.
Mr. Hand hopes you enjoyed reading about his patented/copyrighted/super-duper secret method for dealing with Cigarette Vultures Passive-Aggressively. If you found this information useful, please send a (smokeable) donation – no Black Death Cigarettes, please – to Mr. Hand For President, Chicago, Illinois.
