I have a family member; a very close one with the following info: I’m not looking for a diagnosis, just some opinions. This man is very close to me, and I would like some help. He doesn’t want to go to a doctor, but would appreciate feedback…Here is his bio:
He’s 57 years old. Family history of alcoholism and depression. If you would like either of these diagnoses, then please, just tell me that I am looking too far in depth.
He hasn’t worked at a regular job for almost 20 years…
When he quit his last regular job he was full of piss and vinegar, ran for the state legislature, was a great father and husband, was upset about things from time to time and had a little or a lot to drink from time to time. 1987
Now it is 2007, and I have a video of the same man sneaking empty beer cans out of his house in the back of his truck. A three month old beard, no bathing for a month, shaking hands in a public place throwing the same cans in the garbage. If I told you that it was a homeless person doing this, there would be no problem believing me.
Xmas morning opening gifts; shaking hands so loud that the wrapping paper made me grab it out of his hands and throw it away. Looking out the window he drinks 5 beers to get the shaking down.
Basically is he an alcoholic that needs that kind of treatment, or does his 20 years of withdraw from the world and into his own mind lend to a different kind of message?
This is a Christmas wish for a miracle…for my Dad…
Alcoholism and depression are separate but reinforcing, not mutually exclusive, conditions.
I would seek professional assistance–initially a physician rather than a help group.
(Yes, I am aware of the “no one can help him until he chooses to help himself” theme, but a physical that turned up professional diagnoses of liver ort neural damage could possibly be the trigger to get him to choose to help himself.)
I have no idea how to get him to see a doctor. If you can get him to agree to see one, make the appointment (rather than telling/asking him to do it), take him to the appointment (so that neither a “sudden crisis” nor a “broken alarm” can be used to excuse his absence), then see how much info you can et him to allow the doctor to share with you. (HIPAA prevents the doctor from releasing any information without your dad’s consent, even to his children or wife.)
I guess retire is the wrong word. Why did he stop working at age 37? Did his alcoholism and depression become overwhelming? You say that he was still pretty involved with his family and community at the time, so that seems less likely. If he ran for state legislature, than he must have had some substantial money saved up. So depression seems less likely and financial security seems more likely.
Meanwhile, you might want to go to an AlAnon meeting or two to get support for yourself and insights about your relationship with your father. It might not be a good fit for you, but it might be useful to try it out.
The shaking may also be non-alcohol related neurological problems, but the alcohol takes the edge off that issue. Its my personal belief that a lot of alcoholics become alcoholic because they are “self-medicating” with alcohol - either depression (which is why those are linked) or pain or something else.
If he’s in deep, it is imperative that he get medical help. Withdrawal from alcohol can kill you. Should he decide that it’s time to quit, he may need medical supervision, including medications. Just before one of my SIL’s trips to rehab, they told her to continue to drink on the way to the facility. Best of luck to you.
No psychologist or neurologist would be able to make an accurate diagnosis until he’s detoxed, and if he’s been drinking alcoholically for decades, he needs medical supervision for that.
Alcoholism and drug abuse are very common for “masking” other mental health issues. My sister’s ex-girlfriend was bipolar (though you’d never know it), and her dad was too. But he was never diagnosed properly because he drank so much and never got the right kind of medical care. Doctors thought he was depressed because he drank, they never clued in that he drank because he was depressed/crazy.
And he was reportedly the kind of guy who, when in the upswing phase, would decide to write a novel or passionately get invovled in politics. He spnet his later years of life thinking he had the potential to be a great philosopher.
Thanks for all of the replies. He didn’t actually “retire” 20 years ago. He quit working for others to start his own business of one that slowly dwindled to nothing. My mother makes enough money to support the entire family, so his income was never needed.
He refuses to believe that there is anything wrong with him, and won’t go to the doctor. Comes up with crazy ideas about how doctors will find something wrong with you just to get money. My mom mentioned Adult Protective Services, but I don’t know if that does or should apply in this case.
I see him again Friday before I return home. I would at least like to get him to the doctor. Thanks again for all of your help…
It doesn’t sound like retirement to me.